another wrestle

speaking at church gives me an opportunity to wrestle before the Lord. it gives me practice at receiving revelation. i get to walk by faith--open my mouth and have it filled. although it really is a struggle, it really is a blessing.

i didn't know what to speak about. i'd been thinking about it all week but not a flicker of light graced my heart or mind in that regard. finally on friday night i prayed about it. i was sitting on the side of my bed, head bowed, in the darkness. i said to Heavenly Father, "i have nothing. no inspiration. i'm empty. please help me." and just like that a few thoughts trickled into my mind. which led to more and the trickle grew into a flood of ideas, conference talks, and scripture stories, all accompanied by that sweet peaceful feeling of the Spirit.  he opened the windows of heaven and filled me up to overflow.

that doesn't mean the talk came together easily. sunday morning at 8:30 found me with a page and a half of scribbled scripture references, a list of stories, and no clear idea of how it was all going to come together. what was i actually going to say? i decided to take a break and get ready. i wore my new (to me) spring blouse with my peach polka dot cardigan and grey pleated skirt. i felt really good about that outfit. i ate an orange and some nuts and dates.

and then time was up. i'm just going to have to trust in God, i thought to myself. when we got to church i went up to the stand and sat in the very back. predictably bro hutchinson came over and asked me to sit in the front with everyone else. "please don't ask me to sit in the front," i said, "i need my space." he gracefully retreated.

i noticed that my leg was shaking without my permission.

but as the sacrament progressed a peace fell over me. and i felt ready. i only had a loose idea of how i would start but not what else i would say or how i would end.

and when it was my turn to speak i started to speak, and a talk came out. somehow all the ideas fell into place and somehow things made sense. i think it was the promise "open thy mouth and i will fill it."

and after all that i think this talk and all this study was mostly for my own benefit. it was on faith in the Lord's promises even when they are a far off. that's a message i need to be reminded of. a message to tuck into my heart and keep there. because my prayers have been answered. i know mohammad and i will be together. i know we will succeed. i have felt a sure answer to my prayers. it is just the timing and battling the doubts and fears and weariness of being apart. i wait on the Lord. i trust in the Lord.