i have hope

i've been expecting a miracle. my little cutey, rascal, cuddle-bug, adventure-boy didn't come home on dec 5th and i've been both grieving and hoping since that day. 

someone called me when i was driving to get martha from ubc. i had been working on the slideshows and programs for 11 hours. hyper-focus fog. some time in the afternoon beirut went outside. i expected him home around 4. that's dinner time. 4 is when i was leaving to go get martha. i called him but i didn't see him anywhere. i figured he'd be home by the time i got home. then when i was driving down no 4 road i got a call. he had waltzed into the school like he owned the joint. the lady asked me if he was an outside cat, if he'd be ok if she just put him outside or if he needed to be picked up. i said "he's fine. we live right beside the school. he'll just come home." and i kept driving. but i felt a tug. beirut. and he didn't come home. i've regretted that decision every day. i've wailed to the heavens for my boy. i didn't know i was losing my boy in that minute. 

i got a tip 5 days later that he had been seen crossing garden city road at westminster at 4:35am. that's so far from home. how did he get there?? i don't think he would go that far on his own he's never once tried to leave his territory. i rushed there and searched the big park/wetlands. i drove around. i felt for sure i would find him. 

i didn't.

christmas approached. i went on long walks and plead with God--cried so hard i couldn't breathe. i didn't go back for him. i'm sorry.  i'm sorry.  

i kept his dish out. and his litter box. all his toys. his chistmas green plaid collar he never got to wear. i looked for him  everywhere i went. i searched for him online. i reported him the the spca and the microchip company. i continued to pray. to believe in miracles. to hope.

mohammad always asks me "any news of bb?" no news. no news. maybe i was wrong. maybe there would be no miracle for me and my kitty. sometimes when i drive around i sing "where's my little boy?" to the tune of michael mclean's "you're not alone". i feel kind of crazy. i mostly keep my craziness to myself.

then today i was driving to work later in the day. around 11. and a black and white kitty crossed the road right in front of me. beirut. i pulled over and jumped out of the car and crossed the road after him. calling him. i saw him going through town house yards on the other side of some shrubberies. then i didn't see him. i called and called. i asked a girl if she saw a cat and she pointed behind her. i kept going. calling. i came to an elementary school. i lost him. crying. calling. searching. i walked up and down that road and around the block. i didn't see him again. if God put him right in my path, there must be a way to find him. it must be a step towards finding him.

or it wasn't beirut. but i think  it was. and i have hope.