this goes deep

finally succumbed to the pleasures of a hot shower. when i took my hair out of it's 5+ days of pony tail, it stayed up. there were some knots to say the least. the least that can be said is knots, the most is that i lost some good clumps today. i'm clean, but i'm bald. i always wonder if my neighbours can hear me squealing in pain, as one does when working on knots in the shower. my shower wall is against their kitchen...i think. it's not in their kitchen. that would be embarrassing.

it has been a day of playing mindless games and of coughing. i gave in and ate some cookies that i was avoiding. later i ate ice cream. i had also been avoiding that.  but here we are. it's been that kind of day. my tummy has been off, so i'm not sure what will happen but i know i don't feel good. after eating the ice cream i asked myself, what is the point? i don't even feel good. and it's good to have these kinds of realizations on occasion.

you are an over-sharer. we all have to be something.

it feels like a wasted day but at the same time a sick day is not meant to be productive. but at the same time i wasted it. but at the same time, rest was needful--that's not a waste. but at the same time it could have been better. but at the same time--get over yourself. 

i've been alone a long time and it's starting to get weird.

some time in the middle of the night i turned myself around piled up pillows in the middle of the bed and started sleeping with my feet at the head of the bed. i think the foundation is my sleeping splint. 

i saw some footage of gaza today. as usual it was devastating. i burst into tears. i couldn't bear it. the children, babies, mothers, little boys, all experiencing such horror. mothers screaming wildly for their children. it's unbearable to watch. i prayed. as i have so many times, for motaz, and bissan, and all of them. and i felt like i should read moroni chapter 9. it's the letter mormon writes to moroni describing the horrific inhumanities and atrocities the people were doing to each other. "and they are alike brutal, sparing none, neither old nor young; and they delight in everything save that which is good; and the suffering of our women and our children upon all the face of this land doth exceed everything; yea, tongue cannot tell, neither can it be written." (verse 19) that seems to describe the genocide in gaza too well. 

tben he says "My son, be faithful in Christ; and may not the things which I have written grieve thee down unto death; "(how can it not? how can it not grieve you to the core? i don't want to be past feeling, to be numb, or to ignore it. how is this to be handled?) "but may Christ lift thee up, and may his sufferings and death, and the showing his body unto our fathers, and his mercy and long-suffering, and the hope of his glory and of eternal life, rest in your mind forever." (verse 25)  i can see that Christ's love, his mercy, his plan of happiness, is a juxtaposition with the hate, cruelty and brutality described before. i can also see that when faced with the sheer magnitude of that kind of suffering and inhumanity it can be easy to forget faith. to forget Christ, to forget that mercy exists. that love exists. to trust in Christ. because it's so dark and horrible. it blots out the sun. but there is no darkness that cannot be reached by Christ. i don't know how, in this case, but i do know he's with those people. he loves them with a powerful love they are precious to him. he created every beautiful delicate magical part of their bodies and he is intimate with their precious souls. he hears their cries. i can't stop crying when i think of them like that. the heartbreak of it all. how does God bear it? "it reminds me of Enoch in the book of Moses seeing the Lord weep over the suffering of his creation. "...and the whole heavens shall weep over them, even all the workmanship of mine hands wherefore should not the heavens weep, seeing these shall suffer:? (moses 7:37) "wherefore Enoch knew, and looked upon their wickedness, and their misery, and wept and stretched forth his arms and his heart swelled wide as eternity and his bowels yearned; and all eternity shook." (moses 7:41) i think it's a challenge to faith. it's a moment like peter's when he was walking on water and looked down and the mountainous waves an the winds. it's fearful. of course it is. because what i don't always think about is that it's fearful because the fear is real. he really was standing on the sea in the midst of a storm with waves that could toss him about or drown him in the depths of the sea. and this evil thing that is playing out in palestine--it's real. people are being killed and starved and tiny toddlers with big brown eyes are trembling uncontrollably with terror because their world is not safe. bombs are dropping on them. whole families are being wiped out. it's real. but Peter called on Christ and Christ pulled him close. that's what i need. every pivotal moment that requires faith requires it because the evidence from of our 5 senses is telling us something very different. our senses tell us that what we fear, or the difficulty in front of us is insurmountable. impossible. a goliath. faith is trust in what we don't see. we don't see what God can do. what he is doing, what he will do. 

 i'm not even experiencing this suffering. i'm just witnessing it from afar. but it's so painful to witness. to feel powerless. i felt like looking up the latest messages on social media from the prophet and the apostles. i didn't find anything new with President Nelson, but on President Oak's instagram i read this "Why is love of God the first great commandment? it is first because it is fundamental to understanding and following God's plan and His commandments for His children. Our love of God and his love for us is the central gospel principle--vital to what influences us and vital to what we must remember. Love has power: power to understand the Atonement of Jesus Christ, power to understand the plan of salvation, and power to explain God's commandments." that's what i read. but what i received was just a reminder that love is real and love is power. God's power. and it's greater than any hate or evil. God's love can reach past and deeper than any pain that's inflicted. 

and i really needed that reminder. at the same time knowing that does not stop the genocide in Gaza. but it's a hint for me, to focus my efforts on love and not to be discouraged by the raging seas around me. trust in Christ, act faithfully. do all in my power (power of love). also, obviously it's ok to weep. why wouldn't i weep seeing these that suffer?