Sunday, April 20, 2014


 i know a man who is so so so good.  so devout and faithful, so true and kind.  and i love him.  and he loves me.  and his love is so beautiful.  the kind that shelters and protects, the kind that is tender and sweet.  the kind that sacrifices self.  the kind that gives everything.  the kind that makes me feel beautiful and loved and cherished.  the kind that makes me blossom. the kind that works tirelessly to secure my happiness.  the best kind. the very best kind.

i love him so much.  i feel like i belong wherever he is.  i feel like i want to be with him always.  but i can't.  and this is grief.  this is sorrow.  and i hurt someone i love who loves me like this.  and this is worse grief.  this is worse sorrow.  

and i'm writing about it because i need to express it, but i don't want to talk about it.  i don't want you to phone me or visit me. and i don't want to hear one bad word about my love. ever. and i might want to be by myself for a while.  and i might write depressing posts.  please forgive me.  

Wednesday, April 09, 2014


today i painted a bird.  i painted it azure blue, turquoise, purple and apple green.  it has orange eyes and a yellow beak.  i chose paint with bumpy things in it so when it's glazed it will have speckles.  i like texture.

today i made glazed hhhham (read candied ham) and mashed potatoes whipped with cream cheese and garlic and buttah....and peas but who cares about them.

today i thought about hard things and felt stuck and hopeless.

today i gave love and received love back.

today i wore faded capri jeans, a white top and a red cardi.

today i edited photos, sang a song, and did research.

today i watched an idiot abroad--the episode where he goes to egypt.

today i left my windows open all day because i'm optimistic about the weather, and when i got home i climbed right under the covers because it was ch-ch-chilly.

today i wished things were different or that i could solve them or at the very least i could be blind to them.

today i prayed.

Sunday, March 23, 2014


the fact is that it is not many days until my 40th birthday.  and the crazy true life story is that 3 days after this momentous day, i will be going to egypt.  the land of pharaohs, pyramids, sphinxes, deserts, antiquity and much more.  aaaarrrrgh!!! i'm so excited!!!!!! 39 more restless and yearning sleeps until i'm in the arms of egypt for 2 glorious and adventure filled weeks.  did you know there is such a thing called the egyptian riviera?? well there is, and i will be there--snorkeling the red sea corals to my heart's content.  also...climbing mount sinai in the dark for the sunrise!  wu-wuuut, yeahhh.  those are just 2 things that makes my heart go thumpa thumpa for this trip.  cannot believe it is happening.  cannot wait until it does.

i want a maxi skirt for the trip.  do you think i can find one?  no i cannot.  it seems like this year it's all about short dresses. not cool, fashion gods, not cool.

in other news i lost my mouse for a week again.  i had a sneaking suspicion that it was in the bowels of the couch and sure enough when i tipped the couch over today for a detailed inspection, i found it.  first i thought i saw a hulking form of  a spider, but it wasn't.  then i saw a bulge in the lining of the couch at the back, against the wood border.  sure enough it was my little mouse.  welcome back to the land of the living mousy.

today was my 2nd time in sunday school and relief society.  last week i was there with heather, and this week i was solo.  it's kind of nice to have a class or two, and at the same time i miss the constant activity and singing of primary.  plus i just miss those precious and pure little souls.  but it was nice to sit next to my brother in sunday school and actually have lessons that make me think and want to contribute.  that's nice too.

today bishop cook was released.  it was an emotional sunday.  he was such a great bishop.  i think he's pretty special in a totally normal everyday human doing a good work to the best of their ability kind of way. he hugged me in the hall and said he liked serving with me.  that was so nice.  brother roeder is the new bishop, which seems totally right and special too.  i already have a soft spot for him.  will i get to keep him as a home teacher?  i don't know.  will we have to give him up as a choir director?  probably.  but the choir is in denial.  understandable.

yesterday i did some shopping at old navy.  they were having a spring break sale and so i got some good deals.  also i discovered that not only does richmond center have a pink berry frozen yogurt place in the dining terrace, but a qoola downstairs.  and it is not just any qoola--nonono, it is the best one i've ever had the privilege of frequenting.  yes.  there are so many flavours (i chose pomegranite/raspberry and peanutbutter swirl), so many toppings (such as rainbow mochi and 4 different choices of pearl), aaand they have yummy healthy sandwiches, and salads and brown rice quinoa bowl.  hello.  i'm going back!  i sat by the fire place and ate my yolo froyo, texting to my heart's content, and also noticed another place across the way that needs to be discovered.  fun.

Sunday, March 16, 2014


it's time to end the silence and let me be the first to speak.  i just got back from dropping heather off at the bus station.  we had a nice weekend together.  i picked her up on a sunny friday evening at the bus depot on main and terminal.  she popped into the car and filled it with her heather energy--giddy and chatty and i haven't seen you in a while--heather energy.

of course we stopped for a donair.  it was a worker i didn't know, but i appreciated the fact that he was generous with the sauces without my promptings.

we talked a lot.  and then we decided to watch sword in the stone.  but we were both so sleepy and a little sleep deprived and could not stay awake.  so we went to bed.  ...because we are middle aged now.

saturday morning we got up and attempted to spruce ourselves up, and left home early for the temple.  "do you have any breakfast foods?" heather had asked me.  "i have coupons for mcdonald's" i replied with a twinkle in my eye.  "that will do, pig, that'll do." said heather like the farmer in Babe.

so we binged on mcgriddles. you don't need to know how many.  but you do need to know that i conduct drivethru business through my back window.

the temple was so nice.  soosoosoosoo nice.  i got to see the new-new film and i loved it.  i also got to see dad, who clomped in last minute.  i was thinking afterwards about how i felt.  and how i always have that same feeling after the temple.  i feel peaceful and spiritually uplifted, but there is something more--i feel satisfied. sated.  all empty spots filled.  hungers and thirsting of the soul are satisfied.  it's a promise Jesus makes and i am still learning how he keeps it.

then heather and i bought some new undies and the distribution centre.  i cannot say how exciting this is.  then we went shopping in the real world and i bought nothing although i was sorely tempted to buy some dkny skinny jean capris in dark wash and a flowy blue top.  but just those two things would have been 140.00 dollars without tax and that is just wrong.

next we visited nikki and james and spencer and kaylee.  we did some nice catching up, had some laughs, ate sushi, and marble deep dish mccain's cake, and played with the kids before coming home and not watching grease.

today was my first time in richmond ward since the first week of february.  it was so nice to see everyone and it was a bit weird to go to sunday school and relief society but it was nice to be there with heather. i think i've written the word nice a lot.  don't count how many times.  it wouldn't be nice.

Sunday, February 09, 2014


i lost my mouse.  it's gone.  this is how i did it: i fumbled amongst the billowy waves of my duvet, clutching for it.  i knew it was there, i had just felt it's telltale lump at my hip minutes before.  i clutched, i grasped, and i shoved and yet it eluded me. "tiresome mouse, you irritate me.", i grimaced, groaned and rolled out of bed.  "fine! if that's the game you are playing..." i muttered as i picked up the corners of my duvet, "if you aren't in there--prove it." and heaved the duvet up into the air sending what was once crumpled heaps, sailing.  i didn't see it, but i heard it.  a bounce and a thump.  "aha!" i thought, "outsmarted little mouse, outsmarted."  but alas, it is i who was outsmarted.  because i can't find it.  it shouldn't be that hard, there aren't that many places to go... but as of yet the tricky little mouse has remained hidden.  our game continues.

i woke up at 3:30 am this morning, with a sore throat and a general lousy feeling.  i cannot be awake now, i thought.  this cannot be.  i curled into the fetal position and concentrated on heavy slow breathing.  that's when my nose started bleeding.  and that was it.  i was awake.  i had allotted at least 7 hours of sleep for myself too.  after dealing with the bleeding nose, which i blame on the dry cold weather, i did some mindless computer things, while listening to talks on the mormon channel, then a feeling of sleepiness washed over me and put the computer aside and snuggled down.  but sleep never came.  just weariness.  at the last possible moment i dragged myself out of bed and got ready for church.

there are several methods to choosing a church outfit.  one is build up from knee-high sock of choice.  i tried this first.  it didn't work so i changed to build from skirt, the more conventional method.  after i was done, i was presentable, but not to be congratulated if you know what i mean.  i dind't put my heart into it.  my heart was in my bed, snuggled under the duvet and snoozin'. (raaachel....thomas!! you're supposed to be snoozin'!!) anyways, today was my first ward conference visit and it was in mom and dad's ward in surrey.  we had ward council at 7:30am.  before i left i stood in the bathroom and looked at the closed cabinet.  should i take a cold and flu pill?  naaa, i thought, it's just a sore throat.  half way through ward council, on the back row, penned in on both sides with a watery nose, i realized my mistake.  note to self, wash your pink sweater with the super absorbent cuffs.

i gave myself several savage pinches in a desperate attempt to stay awake during sacrament meeting.  but it was a losing battle.  the best part was an 11 year old girl who sang I Know that my Redeemer Lives, in the sweetest, purest voice.  she was very solemn. it was very powerful.

then we went to primary. and then we met with the primary presidency and then we went home.  i had barely a word with any family.  a nod and salute with jordan, a quick hallway hug from tracy, a candy from maria, a wave to jane, a smile at isaiah and a look exchanged with mom on her way up to sing in choir.  next week we do surrey 2nd, and i think emilce's the president.

i've been to wreck beach two days in a row and my quads are letting me know their displeasure. don't enlist us in a forced march up 500 odd stairs two days in a row and expect us not to give you pain, they smugly seem to say.  i have made several february visits to wreck beach.  february because it's light enough after work, and because it's too cold for any nakeds to nudie the beach.  i don't know how many times i've told people "there's no nakeds in the winter!".  this is typically after a raised eyebrow or a credulous "you go to wreck beach??"  so i was there yesterday at sunset and it was gorgeous but there was a price to pay.  and the price was the biting wind. which i felt more after getting up from the wet sand, where i had been laying prone on my belly and side.  what.  as if you don't.

we were heading back towards the stairs in the purplish twilight after sunset and that's when we spotted them, bare bodies on the stairs.  "are those people naked??" we asked one another.  evan said "no, they've got underwear on."  just then i saw a girl fling off her bra and let it fall on the stairs.  "but they're taking them off!" sure enough the group of nudies discarded their underthings all over the stairs and ran, streaking down the beach in the buff, holding their privates, which i thank them for, and into the shallow water.  "see, i told you." said evan who was at wreck for the first time.  all my nonudesinwinter protestations were now null and void.  i passed their things on my way up the stairs and considered hiding them.  but i didn't.  i have a personal rule about touching stranger's ginch that held me back.

wreck beach really is vancouver's most beautiful beach.  it's a jewel of loveliness.  i'm glad i get to at least enjoy it in the winter.

i told evan my bridge story which strangely he had never heard.  he said i should write a book called memoirs of a clutz.  "i'm not a clutz! i'm accident prone!" i was quick to object.  he laughed just like katie does when i say that.  there's a difference ok?  besides the bridge story has nothing to do with any accidents...

i got my cable hooked up for the olympics yesterday.  for some reason the tech took 3 hours to do it.  no joke.  i got a lot done during that time though, so i can't complain.  i watched the sisters win gold and silver and i watched some team figure skating, and that's all so far.  tomorrow i can plant myself in front of the olympics and edit photos and sniffle and have a family day to remember.

this has been my first weekend with no extra work in quite a while.  it's nice. it's nice except for my cold, but i guess it's best to be sick on your days off.

i felt my cold coming on last night.  i didn't dare believe it.  i tried to deny it.  i drank some lemon ginger tea with some honey and extra ginger.  i have got to do something to boost this sad and sorry immune system of mine.

good neighbour judy just clomped up the stairs with a plate of food for me.  roast beef, potatoes and carrots, and two yorkshire puddings all sitting in a pleasant flood of dark gravy.  yesterday she clomped up the stairs with two chocolate chip muffins just when i was wishing for something sweet.  as i ate my gift meal, i thought about all the people i have in my life who are so good to me.  and i was thinking about life in general.  life is like that--it's teeming with crappy stuff and it's teeming with blessings and they're all together all wrapped up with a bow.  and i can choose which thing i'll focus on.  when i think about how blessed i am, i am much happier.  and sometimes when crappy stuff is right in my face, it blinds me to all the good things i've been blessed with that i just take for granted.  and the crappy stuff really does exist and i can't deny it.  but if i think that God has put me here in a pile of poop with no roses, i'm not only wrong i'm so ungrateful.  his gifts to me are everywhere.  one thing i'm grateful for today is the generosity of kind and clomping neighbours.  and i'm grateful for gorgeous evenings like the one i found joy in last night as i lay in the wet sand and marveled at God's creation.

uh...i've lost my phone now too.  mutiny.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

up for 3 hours

Psalms 22

  My God, my God, why has thou forsaken me? why art thou so far from helping me, and from the words of my roaring?
  O my God, I cry in the daytime, but thou hearest not; and in the night season, and am not silent.
  But thou art holy, O thou that inhabitest the praises of Israel.
  Our fathers trusted in thee: they trusted, and thou didst deliver them.
  They cried unto thee, and were delivered: they trusted in thee, and were not confounded.
  But I am a worm, and no man; a reproach of men, and despised of the people.
  All they that see me laugh me to scorn: they shoot out the lip, they shake the head saying,
  He trusted on the LORD that he would deliver him: let him deliver him, seeing he delighted in him.
  But thou art he that took me out of the womb; thou didst make me hope when I was upon my mother's breasts.
  I was cast upon thee from the womb: thou art my God from my mother's belly.
  Be not far from me; for trouble is near; for there is none to help.
  Many bulls have compassed me: strong bulls of Bashan have beset me round.
  They gaped upon me with their mouths, as a ravening and a roaring lion.
  I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint: my heart is like wax; it is melted in the midst of my bowels.
  My strength is dried up like a potsherd; and my tongue cleaveth to my jaws; and thou has brought me into the dust of death.
  For dogs have compassed me: the assembly of the wicked have inclosed me: they pierced my hands and my feet.
  I may tell all my bones: they look and stare upon me.
  They part my garments among them, and cast lots upon my vesture.
  But be not thou far from me, O LORD: O my strength, haste thee to help me.
  Deliver my soul from the sword; my darling from the power of the dog.
  Save me from the lion's mouth: for thou hast heard me from the horns of the unicorns.
  I will declare thy name unto my brethren: in the midst of the congregation will  I praise thee.
  Ye that fear the LORD, praise him; all ye the seed of Jacob, glorify him; and fear him, all ye the seed of Israel.
  For he hath not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; neither hath he hid his face from him; but when he cried unto him, he heard.
  My praise shall be of thee in the great congregation: I will pay my vows before them that fear him.
  The meek shall eat and be satisfied: they shall praise the LORD that seek him: your heart shall live forever.
  All the ends of the world shall remember and turn unto the LORD: and all the kindreds of the nations shall worship before thee.
  For the kingdom is the LORD's: and he is the governor among the nations.
  All they that be fat upon earth shall eat and worship: all they that go down to the dust shall bow before him: and none can keep alive his own soul.
  A seed shall serve him; it shall be accounted to the Lord for a generation.
They shall come, and shall declare his righteousness unto a people that shall be born, the he hat done this.

i read that psalm, among others this morning and listened to this talk by elder holland. my thoughts about it all are not complete.  just the cry to be heard and not left alone, the feeling like a worm and like being poured out like water.  i felt those words.  and these words "For he hath not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; neither hath he hid his face from him; but when he cried unto him, he heard.", they comfort me.


i fell asleep so early last night and woke up 8 hours later.  it's been nice to have a long morning to study, do my hair, wax my lip (yeah, i wax my lip), work on photos, make my bed and pet my cats.

i'm going to do yoga today.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014


i just finished watching north and south. again.  the ending is almost unbearable to me right now.  how he had been so severe, but then so achingly tender.  the way he took her hand, the way he kissed her.  aiyiyi.

i feel so sad and i can't shake it right now.  it is easy to act normal while feeling sad the whole time.  how did i manage to be so good at hiding my feelings?  i do whatever i can to distract myself, but it's there waiting for me.  i guess i will just have to feel it before it will leave me.

there's a huge glass vase full of beads in our thrift store at work.  ten cents for a scoop.  this afternoon, when there was nothing to do and i needed distracting, i went in the thrift store and chatted with dave as i dug through the jar, picking out an eclectic collection of beads.  when i was satisfied i took them back to my desk and threaded them onto some fishing wire i have in my desk drawer. then i got mireya to tie it on my wrist.  now i have a bracelet that i can't take off unless i cut it off.  i like it's randomness.

i can't seem to catch up on my sleep but i am trying.  today i could have slept a full 8 hours but inexplicably woke up at 6am.  i lay still for half an hour trying to trick my body back into sleep by breathing slow and deep, but it didn't work.  finally i just got up.  i studied proverbs 3:5-6.  and followed where that led me.  i think i needed reminding of what trusting the Lord means.

by 3pm i felt sooo tired.  the thick heavy kind of exhaustion that overtakes you and pulls you down into nothingness.  i almost napped after work but i couldn't.  instead i went to shoppers drug mart and bought garbage bags, a toothbrush, light bulbs and a matte lip balm.  the lights in my room and the kitchen have been out for weeks. when i got home i changed the lights, emptied garbages and the litter box and put away clothes while watching north and south.  but i strangely had little strength and just doing that made my legs and hands shake.  i'm not sure what is happening.  maybe i'm fighting off another disease.  i've been eating omar's immunity buster--honey and tahini.  of course i took my blood pressure at shopper's and it was 107 over 77.  maybe it's just my tiredness.

when i was putting away my extra new toothbrush (it came in a 2 pack, on sale) i found i already had an extra one.  oh well, now i have some toothbrush preparedness for guests and the like.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

i'm laying on my back in bed with a warm, purring lump of izzy on my stomach.  her purring vibrations and ball of soft heat are comforting.  how come cats seem to know when to cuddle with you?

sometimes when i don't get enough sleep i cry a lot.  that's the thing.  without sleep problems seem insurmountable--hopeless.  i feel lost and so incapable.  today at church my chin actually quivered as tears rolled down my face.  i just wish someone wise would talk to me and help me see.  i wish someone faithful and fearless would inspire and bolster me.  at home i was praying...and truth be told crying, when i stopped for a phone call.  karey asked me if i had a cold.  "no," i said, "i was just crying."  everything is so much more dramatic when one has not slept much.

the roeder dream team came over too.  home and visiting teachers in one.  then karey and i talked more and it was nice.  having friends is nice.

you know what else is nice?  my collection of 'tenders' written to me from people who love me.  i'm going to go read them right now.  then i'm going to sleep.  and i'm going to sleep hard.