Wednesday, October 08, 2014

red moon, red moon it could have been you.

my alarm went off at 2:30am and for a moment i felt rebellion and victimization at the same time.  then i remembered that i wanted to be awake at that time.  i tipped my top half off the bed and reached hard for the alarm that sits in the middle of the floor since that day in the summer that i turned my room topsy turvy in search for cool night air.  i couldn't get to it.  i slid my mask off and stumbled out of bed and hit the snooze button and then flicked the alarm off.  why did i leave the alarm so far away, i wondered.  negligent.  i climbed back into my comfort zone--my bed.  my bed has been my haven, my cave for most of the year, my soft and welcoming nothingness.  i almost forgot why i was awake at the ungodly hour but like a flash it came back to me--the eclipse!  i saw a silvery glow out my window towards the right and i scrambled up on my knees and peeked out.  sure enough, just like the astronomer enthusiast described on the radio--a bite was taken out of the moon.  the first curve of our earth's shadow.  i settled back into my bed and flipped my laptop open.  i was waiting for the blood red moon.  the coppery, hunter's moon--the full eclipse.  the next time i looked there was only one bite left--just a tiny sliver, and the fog had rolled in.  richmond loves a moody fall fog.  not now richmond!  it's lunar eclipse day!  so i jumped out of bed, pulled on some clothes, grabbed my camera and went out to the car.  the weather lady on the radio said vancouver would be fog-free.  vancouver, you're so real.  the fog was thick until i got onto the oak street bridge, and i may or may not have driven a teensy bit erratically as i was searching the sky for the red moon, but i mean it was 3:30 in the morning and i was the only car on the bridge, so don't worry.

i'd like to say that i found the red moon, but i didn't. i  drove around for a while to different places to try to get a good view. but the clouds had rolled in on top of the fog and they hogged the red moon viewing to themselves.  i stopped at this neighbourhood park in kerrisdale and at first was alarmed to see the dark shapes of some other people by the park...but they were just other lunar seekers like me and they were packing up.  i glanced up and saw another dark form leaning out of his balcony peering towards the west where the red moon was supposed to be.  red moon you eluded me.

i stopped and mcdonald's for an early morning breakfast treat.

i was back in bed by 4:40 looking at worldwideweb accounts of the eclipse.  i began to feel heavy and warm and i drifted off to sleep.  i didn't come back to the world until 11am.  and i didn't get out of bed until 12:30.

i wandered through my dirty, messy, cluttered, neglected home, thinking about a david grey song and how i wanted to live again but i didn't know where to start.  i gave the crunchies and came back here to write.  i'm getting stronger but my bed is fighting hard to keep me.

Monday, September 29, 2014

sometimes we get free canucks tickets at work.  friday was my first time going.  i got decked out in appropriate fandom wear and put a crazy gleam in my eye because everyone knows that sports fans are nuts and i like to fit in.  i picked up mireya on the corner of granville and *** and we made our way to rogers arena. we had a parking pass because we're totes cool like that.  but first we totally parked in a player's spot by accident which wasn't as cool, but we didn't let that deter us.

pathways had 14 tickets and our own suite.  it was pretty fun.  we also beat the pans off of the flames so that was cool too.  i don't know why it is always everyone's mission to get on the big screen.  it was mireya's fondest wish and by the end of the night we finally got the attention of a camera guy so we had our brief moment of fame, most of the time mireya was fluttering her canucks scarf in my face though, haha.  meanwhile connie was dancing disco like john travolta on speed in the background.  
saturday i helped with the stake primary activity before the women's broadcast.  i diced a lot of tomatoes and shredded a lot of lettuce, skipped with the girlies, and taught poor pinochio and before i knew it, it was time for  taco salad, crumble and then the broadcast.  i sat in a row that a lady was saving the whole row, but to be fair she was saving it with hymnbooks--something that is always in every row.  i kind of laughed at her and kind of didn't move.... i'm socially awkward like that.

there were a lot of good talks.  of course president U. gave a really good one.  

today i wore my wrap around bird dress to church with my gold leaf earrings (thanks mom and dad!) to church and i looked good.  i was getting sleepy by the end of sunday school and i thought about going home and skipping relief society.  but then i thought about how i needed to go to choir and also if i left maybe i would miss something really great that i needed.  so i stayed.  and rs was about elder bednar's talk about carrying heavy loads.  it was a good lesson and i'm glad i stayed.  had some insights and inspirations.  this last week was a doozy.  oh.  i got the job by the way.  i'm the new manager.  and anyways, it was a doozy and every day my exhaustion built to new levels until on thursday night i just started crying for no reason.  well there was a reason.  sheer exhaustion.  

anyways in august i went to seattle to hang downtown for a couple of days with my bestestbud.  here's a few phone pics of our fun times.

me as a jar head.  fun right? i enjoy my eyes at the very top. 
 i was very excited to eat at a place that had shrubs on the drink menu.  shrubs are yummy tart drinks made from fruit and vinegar.  i wanted to have a shrub since last christmas when i was making everyone fruit vinegars.  well this day my dream came true.

i ate a duck here.  and i was not disappointed.

selfies at the umbrella store...

ok...there was this ice cream/cup cake place that fats told me about.  i made her take me there.  and i was not disappointed.  gourmet flavours.  i think i pretty much got salted caramel cupcake ice cream... and there was also a really good one called hazelnut brittle with salted ganache... it was a lovely place.

ice cream makes me i look a little dopey.

 but it wears off...

Monday, September 22, 2014

busy day.  i barely sat down the whole day.  probably my longest sit down was for my interview.  the interview went alright, thanks for asking.  i'll probably find out the result tomorrow.  i know they only interviewed kaz and i, so i can't imagine they will wait long to tell us.

i have developed what i believe to be a dy-no-mite vegetarian lasagna.  this is where mom pops in and says brightly "it would be even better if you added some caesar dressing".  the woman is a caesar dressing fanatic, but it's served her well, i can't deny it.

after work i drove my squeaky car to pier 1 and looked at papasan chairs (aka dish chairs. ie. moon chairs).  basically it will cost 235 for the base, the bowl and a cushion.  gotta save for my retro comforts.

then i did something i haven't done in a long time.  i went grocery shopping.  i went to superstore because i have so many points on my card that i only had to spend 7.50 for my groceries.  feeling pleased about this.

i came home and made roasted tomato soup and ate it with some parmesan sour dough toast.  yumbly.

i'm tired all over.  i'm going to sleep until the cows come home.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

there's a weird bug that keeps visiting my room. it's big.  it flies.  it's slow.  i don't know what it is.  i caught it once and brought it outside, down the stairs and over to the fence that borders the park.  it flew out of my empty humus container and straight back towards my window.  last night i saw it on the inside again.  it haunts me.

i know the .5 of you who read this blog are really really super duper itching for an update about my hair.  well if i know one thing, it's to take the needs of my .5 readership to heart.  so the truth is my hair is in a terrible state.  it's dry and ratty and frizzy and rarely looks good.  i wouldn't care except i'm vain.  sarah and i always talking about turning my hair into a lion's mane.  well right now i'm scar and i want to be mufasa.  (at first i wrote mustafa... and i was like that sounds too middle eastern for the lion king...wait it is.)

i just had a typical sunday meal.  it's a meal i call 'mushy rice'.  and what i do is make rice in the rice cooker, and then i add stuff.  whatever stuff i have.  today, for example, i threw in a can of tuna, some goat cheese (why do they put it in a tube? it's so annoying and user unfriendly), some pesto mayo left over from the reunion, a diced tomato, some hot sauce and some rice vinegar.  then i eat it straight from the rice cooker bowl because i'm creative but uncivilized.

i told mom that i wanted a small desk to set up a little office nook for myself.  i told her to keep an eye out for one in all her garage sale-ing and thrift store rummaging.  and so i inherited renee's desk.  it's wood and cute and little and exactly right.  i might paint it turquoise or i might do something else to it.  and i want to get rid of my couch.  yes you heard me.  get it outta here.  instead i want 2 chairs, one of which will be a dish chair.  it's time to get this room together.  i wish i had someone to collaborate with.  it's the kind of thing my creativity is craving.  creative collaboration.   also organization.  but i struggle a lot to tackle any of it by myself.  i've succeeded so far to do my laundry and do the dishes and sweep the floor. s.os. mayday.

tomorrow i have an interview for the position of manager in the food services unit at my job.  i have mixed emotions about it.  i feel nervous, because even though i have been kind of doing the job for a couple of months, maybe i'll interview badly.  but i feel like it's just already my job, but i don't take it for granted that i'll get it, i just feel an ownership to it, if that makes any sense. and i miss lisa and feel guilty about applying for her job.  lisa= a lot of work joy and fun and craziness.  a couple of weeks ago i did a small photo shoot of her and her son matt.
i made them stand in the middle of the road because that's my m.o. i enjoy putting my subjects in danger.

today i saw mei lin for the first time since around the time i got back from egggjjjypt.  we hugged like long lost sisters.  i missed her.  i love her.  she gave me a cool book mark with chinese writing on it.  i asked what it said and she said she will need time to think about how to explain it to me.  so i gave her the packaging to study.  she also gave me a pretty magnet that is of a famous painting of mountains that was burned around the edges (the painting was burnt not the magnet)

anyways archie is camoflauging with this desk.  he's chameleoning. he sleeps in invis-a-mode.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

this morning i had to get up early and go to work by 6am.  all day i was running around.  just me and a weekend staff fill in today and trying to get enough people to do everything and trying to get the deposit done and trying to get ready for the new the end of the day my hair was 3 times it's normal bulk.  at one point i went upstairs and lay on the board room table and told barb why my life is so crazy and busy.  then i went down stairs and served lunch.  and then i worked an hour later than i should have and tomorrow will be worse, so just forget about it.  forget about everything.  just do it.  then lay on your bed and play candy crush.

i quit my respite job.  it was too much for me right now.

meanwhile i just ate a pineapple.  a whole one.  but it was small, ok.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

summer fun day

today was our annual summer fun day at stanley park. so i wore my funday funpants as is only right.  last year i drove there with lisa.  she told theresa that she didn't want to take the loser cruiser, aka the bus, a term that i taught her.  she brought two blankets and some magazines for me and her and kaz and we went down to the beach and took it easy, laughed talked and flipped through the magazines. on the way home we found this song on the radio that we totally dug and then spent all of the next day until closing time trying to figure out what the song was.  this year lisa is at home and less of a lisa and i took the loser cruiser with everyone else.  i brought a blanket and kaz brought a tatami mat and lindsay, the new girl brought magazines.  but it wasn't the same.  i stayed with them for a little while, but then got up and joined the activities.  in the relay race i was in charge of bringing back the spoon after somone had balanced a water balloon on it.  it was a biiig responsibility.  colin tried to throw his water balloon at me so i told pheobe to throw hers at him.  tit for tat man.  later we served lunch and i was in charge of the ambrosia.  we had subway sandwiches, ambrosia, potato salad and chips.  there was cookies and rice krispie squares and candy bags for dessert.  ugh.  i had too much sugar.  we took a group photo of everyone there and then i made everyone stay there and take a jumping pic because jumping pics are important as everyone knows.  i played phase ten with a dwindling group of people.  in the end it was me against dave d. and i lost.  before it was time to go, i had to walk down to the pool and pay for our people who swam.  when i got there i found one of our members surrounded by life guards.  apparently she had had a seizure.  so i had to pay, talk her into going to the first aid room with the life guards, and she was talking erratically and not making much sense.  meanwhile i knew the bus was getting loaded up but the life guards had called the ambulance because that is their procedure.  so i called lisa m. who had the clubhouse van and she came back and i left to get on the bus.  everyone was on the bus waiting for me and i got a lot of ribbing and teasing until i told why i was late.  on the bus ride home i became part of a texting triangle in which theresa was told to smell my hair and she did...weirwd.  she reported that it smelled like coconut...correct.

today when i woke up with a bright blue tongue.  i won't tell you why.

also i've been obsessed with a spanish show called gran hotel, which translated is grand hotel--surprise.  i have finished the first two seasons of it on netflix and of course it ended with a huge cliff hanger and is the 3rd season to be found anywhere on the world wide web?  no it isn't.  lo siento laura.  what am i to do???

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

i'm sitting on my lazyboy love seat with one foot dangling over the edge.  archie took this as an invitation to saunter by and swipe his nose and cheek across the tip of my big toe, causing extreme itchiness to said digit.

my laptop overheats without provocation.  it's annoying.

i've been depressed.  when mom was staying with me she could tell.  she asked me about it one day after we got back from the hospital.  we were walking with naked feet in hopes the cool grass of the park would give some relief to the burning.  "have you ever been this depressed before?" i couldn't answer her easily because just talking about it made me have a lump in my throat.  so i shook my head, swallowed the lump and said simply "no.", blinking back the tears.  mom didn't dwell on it but shared what helps her.  spiritual stuff.  prayer.  scriptures.  the atonement. the basics.  i knew she was right.  

i am starting to feel better.  you know what is the best?  going to church is the best.  i appreciate it so much.  there is so much opportunity to be blessed when i go to church.  it could be a hymn like the lord is my light, for example that reminds me and teaches me and inspires me with just the right thing that i was needing and thinking about, it could be bits and pieces of people's talks that inspire me in personal ways that really have not much to do with their topic.  it could be the strength of and unity of the good people in my ward--they don't know they are strengthening me just by being earnest and sharing, and loving and whatever.  they may say something in a class that isn't even the perfect thing to say but it was so clear to me that they are so good in their hearts even if imperfect, and the goodness bolsters me. it is the spirit God that does all this and  it really is a gift to go to church on sunday. 

good friends are the best.  i got to see heather for the first time since egypt this weekend and heather is the best.  and i am so lucky to have such good kind special people who love me in my life.  i know i'm rich in good friends.

prayer is the best.  you know every time i ask him for peace or strength or love or inspiration, he gives it to me.  he doesn't ever fail me.  and i don't always know it at the time but i see it after.  and i think i'm starting to feel better because i started to talk to him and ask him again.  like today i had to do a photo shoot and i really didn't feel up to it because i feel like that part of me, that creative, inspired, joyful part has withered inside of me.  i asked him to make me more than i am and to help me, and just simply and quietly he did.  he always does.

this beautiful world is the best.  Heavenly Father gave me eyes that see the wonders of his creations and a heart that glories in them.  and even in the darkest day i can't ignore the perfect, complete majesty and wonders that surround me.  all i need to do is spend a little time outside and he speaks peace and love to me this way.  and it is soothing to a ragged heart.  and it is joyful. and it is unspeakable.

so i'm still in the middle of hard things, and i might have more dark days ahead but i'm thankful for today.  and i'm sorry if i've been a wooden hearted dreary zombie when you may have needed or expected something else.  i'll try not to eat your brains.

Saturday, July 19, 2014


i lost weight when i was falling in love.  i didn't even really try.  it just happened.  maybe because i was all filled up inside and i didn't hunger for anything else.  i don't know.  

now after it's over (not the love just the relationship), i look back on my week and realize i've hungered for everything.  that i've spent my time looking for ways to fill up the big gaping hole in my life.  this is not even anything i think about.  it's an autopilot behavior.  like eating 5 mini freezies and going straight back and getting 5 more.  but it's not just food.  it's everything.  i have been grasping for fillers.  but nothing works.  all is emptiness. it's all counterfeit. still it kept me mostly numb for a week.  

"Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled." --Matthew 5:6

"Come, my brethren, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters; and he that hath no money, come buy wine and milk without money and without price
  Wherefore, do not spend moeny for that which is of no worth, nor your labor for that which cannot satisfy.  Hearken diligently unto me, and remember the words which I have spoken; and come unto the Holy One of Israel, and feast upon that which perisheth not, neither can be corrupted, and let your soul delight in fatness."--2Nephi 9:50-51
i haven't done this very well this week.  i want to do better.  i think one thing i have learned is that peace comes only from God.

i've let everything go.  i just don't care anymore.  i have nothing to give towards caring.  my kitchen is hideous.  clothes are piling up, my car's a mess.  i take minimal effort to do my hair and i care very little about my clothes.  all these things i cared a lot about before because i wanted to be better.  i had someone to care about and so i cared about other things.  it's weird that it works like that.  i think one day i'll be able to care again, it's just that now i don't.

work keeps me going, because they need me.  and lisa is sick and today somebody said the words to me that i have feared hearing.  they don't think she will be coming back.  i miss her.  i love her and i hurt about it all.

and a new thing--i'm angry. not at anyone or anything.  i'm just angry. today on the power of that anger i moved my bed from one side of the room to the other and lugged my dresser away and shoved my hope chest around.  all the time crying angry tears and thinking angry thoughts.  i don't get angry very often.  almost never.  but i'm finding it a refreshing change from the usual weak helpless feelings of suffering.  anger makes me feel strong again.  i remember i used to think i was strong...

and that's a little bit of where i am at.