this body

i'm in trouble. the kind of trouble that comes when i stay up too late one night being prodigiously productive but with early morning commitments the next day which are followed by a well-meant 30 min nap that inevitably turns into a 2+ hour nap which leaves me wide awake at 9:18 pm instead of sleepily brushing my teeth and strapping on the night splint (foot wears a night splint these last 2 years), and pulling a ratty sheet over my already deep breathing primed to slumber body.  i fall into this trap less and less but i fell today.

last night i was deep into salad concoctions while watching the new season of sanditon, a double whammy of tunnel focus that is hard to resist. i made a big juicy batch of greek salad with multi-coloured cherry toms, luscious hunks of feta, and a whole bunch of italian parsley (sorry heather. heather hates parsley.) and a bunch of dill. 

then i set about making smitten kitchen's kale salad. generally i don't adore kale. but deb at smitten kitchen also doesn't and she made this salad so good. i wanted a new salad this week, so i decided to go for it. this kale salad is made with tuscan kale, which isn't frilly. somehow that is a plus for me. i also don't like frilly parsley as much as flat leafed italian. i don't know what i have against the frill--i'll have to dig deep into my psyche sometime for that answer. not today. today i'm telling you about my kale salad. so first, i bought a lot of kale, so i needed to 3x the recipe. i had to de-rib each leaf. that took a long time. then thinly slice. something about the smell of the kale at this point was repulsing me, but i held off judgement. i roasted and chopped walnuts, plumped up some golden raisins in some white wine vinegar and water, toasted some bread crumbs with olive oil and minced garlic and grated some parm. then i put it all together, except the bread crumbs, with some olive oil and lemon juice. (i love squeezing lemons and limes. then i lick their pulp and juices off my fingers so not to loose any tiny particle of the sublime thing that is a lemon or a lime.)

by this time it was after 1am.  i packed up and went to bed secure in the knowledge that 2 beautiful salads were in my fridge ready to support me all week long.

morning came too soon. today was ward conference and we had extended ward council at 8am. i knew i wanted to wear one of my new tops. a peach one with lace eyelet sleeves and a gathered bust. (yah! i went shopping and bought a bra with NO WIRE. (after over a year of perpetual bruises on the side of each breastlet i was ready to embrace the NO WIRE revolution) and some summer tops and bottoms. i thought i was spending a horrendous amount only to discover that because of whatever deals that were happening and points earned, i spent only half as much as i thought, which is still a lot, but not as much as i feared. you dig it.) and i thought i wanted to wear it with my navy maxi skirt but said skirt did not materialize from one of the skirt racks as it ought despite checking each rack 2 or 3 times. so i opted for the brown fringed suede-ish skirt instead. it worked. i worked it. *wink*

hair was merely fluffed. make up applied with a layers of peach theme on the eye and pinky lips. i shaved only the top 4 inches of my calves. heh heh.

breakfast was the last of the chai spiced chia seed pudding and an orange. times have changed. i have breakfast before church now. 

ward council and ward conference were soul nourishing. i shed many tears. you know, i don't mind shedding tears in public but i do try not to have a face crumpling cry. that's the line at which i struggle. some romantic droplets coursing down my cheeks and pooling in my clavicle, that's alright, but don't let the nose scrunch, lips tremble or eye brows do that thing they do. that's too far. i was hovering around that line today. because as is often the way, the things i so needed to hear, feel, remember, learn were the exact things that were given to me. a feast for my spirit. God is so good, so tender, and so kind. 

i have diabetes and i am passing through a soul stretching time right now. it's hard. i wonder sometimes why some things that seem so challenging are not actually that emotionally hard but then other things that don't seem that challenging, maybe, on the outside are so emotionally hard. you only know about it from the inside of it.

i used to think sometimes, that i was given a challenge to get me back on track. because in facing a challenge i remember all the basic gospel living things that bring me strength, bring me closer to God, more able to rely on him, hear his messages to me, in order to bear that challenge with patience and learn from it. and i think that's true maybe to a degree. but today in the 2nd hour meeting there was a quote shared that said something about God taking away the boughs that bore no fruit and to the bows that bore good fruit, he purged so that they would bring forth more fruit. and it was like, oh yeah, it could be that you are getting better laura, so you need more purging. more opportunity to bear more fruit. there was the usual quote too, about how God is making more from us than we could imagine. when we wanted to be a little cottage but he's building a palace. i think it's by c.s. lewis. 

sometimes the struggle is to love myself as much as i need to. i find my prayers are different now. at first i was really depressed and overwhelmed. but i had some good drive-and-pray crying sessions. and i learned from Heavenly Father some ways i was not loving my body. some ways i needed to repent. and so i've been trying. i've been trying really hard. and i try to look at it all from that perspective of learning to love myself and this body God has created for me in a higher and holier way. any type of self-loathing, or inwardly directed hate or revulsion, or neglect, or put downs--comes from the enemy of our souls not the champion of our souls. my daily, hourly, minute by minute challenge, is to love this body. nourish it. be grateful for it. accept it's weaknesses and love it. tenderly, faithfully, diligently. i feel different when i pray over my meals. i ask with a different feeling for the health and healing of this body. and i don't know, but maybe this hard thing that i have to pass through is an opportunity for me to come to the Saviour and be healed. to come to Him and receive healing for very old and long held wounds when it comes to my body. this body that i've been given. i'm not sure, but i think maybe that is one of the blessings of this challenge. some days i think even if i know God loves me and this body he's given me, and even if i manage to love this body i  can still face things from less enlightened people. some days i'm told "laura you are very fat." or asked "laura are you size 7x or 8x?" and in those moments it's hard to remember that fat can be a neutral word and that a certain size doesn't make me worthy or unworthy. or i might see a picture that reminds me about something on my body that is hard for me to accept. in those moments it can feel very hard to have this body. it can feel unfair. and it can feel hard to bear. i mean i try to bear it. i've tried for a long time to do my best on this issue. but i'm learning more about it and i'm seeing places where i can do better. 

one day last week i was studying in 1nephi and nephi's impassioned speech  to his brothers to encourage them to try again to get the plates. he talks about how the Lord can do anything to deliver us, so why should we doubt. let us go up. this is what i wrote after that, "faith like a burning fire. so true and brave. when i was writing this my mind went to this body that i've been given--how it was never the right kind--not accepted, belittled, made fun of, reviled, (by me too) and i felt this answer-- Matthew 5:11-12 "Blessed are ye when men shall revile you, and persecute you and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you."

I know I'm not a prophet. or whatever--i know it's different. But i am God's creation. I am his marvelous work. And reviling against my body is reviling his work. I will not do it more. I will repent of it. And won't heed that any longer. I hope I can learn to love as He loves."

aaaaanyway. now i'm feeling that i've been talking about it too much. so it's time to stop. but just to sum it up--these are some ways i've been struggling and these are some ways i've felt blessed in the midst of it. take it as you will. 

it's past midnight now. maybe this body can be coaxed into sleeping.

ps this is me in one of my new tops. sky blue--my fave colour.