a wrestle and a revelation

 i was so tired.  so weary.  and my heart felt hard.  i worked late on thursday and even later on friday.  saturday morning i was going to the temple.  i didn't feel like going.  but i was taking mom.  we had an appointment and i wanted the spiritual blessings so i went.  and it was good.  

on the way home my upcoming talk was on my mind.  i was annoyed by it.  'the covenant path'.  i didn't want to work on it.  i just wanted to curl up in bed and be cozy.  i told mom i wouldn't be down for dinner.  i knew the wrestle was about to begin.  i knew i needed to be closeted away.  first i lay on my bed listening to talks on the topic with my eyes half closed. half snoozing.

mom called. "do you need a break yet?"  "no." i said.  "i haven't done anything."  "well i was wondering if you want to come down for a quick joint."  'joint' is our come follow me study.  i knew we had one more chapter to read.  i came down for joint.  then i helped mom figure out her sound problems on zoom.  when i was leaving mom said "i know you'll pray about it and..."  

i still had a stone in my heart.  a resistance and an irritation.  i continued with my wrestle.  i did have a prayer.  i read the talk.  i knew i wanted to share about the beautiful way the ward served me in my time of need.  i started going through my daytimer where i recorded everything. that really brought me back. i read through my scripture journals during that time.  

at 9 i went to bed and as i said my prayers the stone dropped out of my heart.  i thanked Heavenly Father for all he has done for me.  i could see how far i've come since those days.  it was so hard back then and it's so much easier now. i could see how blessed i was by so many people.  i sat on the edge of my bed praying and crying.

i set my alarm for 4:30.  when i woke up i searched for some blog posts that i wrote during that time.  i prayed some more.  scriptures started flooding my mind. i feel like my eyes were opened.  i saw and understood in a different way.  i saw all these people and their acts of service to me woven together.  i spent so much time seeing this and crying and laughing.  i had all these jumbles of ideas.  finally at around 8am i put the jumble in order.  i hoped it made sense.  it was basically a list of scriptures and on the side an arrow that said 'examples'.  and somehow it did make sense.  basically my talk was about how being on the convenant path really just means being a diciple of Jesus Christ.  doing what he would do.  i talked about putting on Jesus, and his image in our countenances and i shared examples of people in our ward--how when they served me it was Jesus serving me.  i tied it together with charity and how when Christ comes again we will see him as he is because we will be like him and about zion being the pure in heart ...  i barely scratched the surface of the vision i had of all the loving hands that served me in this ward before i knew it my time was up.  and i stood the whole time with no difficulty.  i wasn't sure if i would need to ask for a chair part way through because foot does not abide standing in one spot for long.  but foot did just fine.  not a twinge or a peep.  

and that's the story of how exceedingly blessed i was today and every day.