and if i threw a party...invited everyone we knew,

i got a call today when i was at work. it was to make an appointment for a bone scan.  last week the girl helping me fill out the forms said something about how i'll need a scan.  but i was kind of in shock at that point and didn't ask about it.  so i found out more about it.  i'll be going on thursday and i go in in the morning and get an injection of trace radioactive materials.  then i leave and come back at 3 and the scan is for 1 hour.  the lady on the phone said it isn't enclosed and that some people fall asleep.

so that's happening.  i have to get more xrays too.  from hip to toe.  dr andi said it seems like i have this weird thing happening in my alignment and they have to make sure that whatever they do to my leg and foot won't throw off my knees and hips etc.

after i got off the call and was talking about this scan with people at work. my nervous energy was already rising because it is getting more and more real.  but then karim.  he is pretty worried about the surgery.  and he was telling me that i should do everything in my power before taking such a step and you don't know--there are bad surgery outcomes and it never happens like you hope and this could have repercussions for the rest of my life.  he was very serious about it. usually we can joke around a lot but it was pretty upsetting to him and he had to leave.  which honestly made me feel more anxious.  because it is true, you don't know what will happen or what the outcome will be.  

i started feeling it physically--the butterflies rising up from the pit of my stomach to my chest and an iron grip around my chest making it harder to breathe.  you know.  this uncertainty, trying to figure out all the plans and preparations, all the appointments, rescheduling my staff, the news & views, the fear of what recovery is going to be like... all that stuff was squeezing me.  it was an unpleasant embrace.

so i prayed about it.  and i was comforted.  as soon as i remembered that no matter what happens, i'll be ok. because not only is God with me, but he can turn all things to my good. that anxious feeling faded away and i felt so grateful. also i remembered that i had been praying since january for help.  and that i had a blessing that promised me that i would "recover quickly".  and all this happening so fast--isn't that a part of that promise?  first of all dr. howie referred me to footbridge and i saw dr. cardoso who first said he would see me again in 3 months but then right after that referred me to dr. andi who he is under and she saw me 3 weeks later, and somehow there is a surgery cancelation and i can have surgery 2 weeks from that day whereas i would be more likely to wait a year or 2 for such surgery.  i mean, it's all kind of miraculous, if i look at it that way.  and i have been praying asking Heavenly Father, pleading that i won't be disabled and that i can be free to move again and isn't he answering my prayers in wondrous ways?  and isn't there so much to be thankful for?  ack.  i'm in my feels still and this makes me cry.  He is so good to me and i hope that i have eyes to see it.  so this is faith stretching growth opportunity.  this is a mountain to move.  here we go.

i was texting with fatima about all this and more.  i was telling her that one thing i'm worried about is the 6 weeks of being on my own before i can return to work at the building.  that much time alone--it wasn't good for my mental health in the fall/winter when i had 1 week vacation time but couldn't see anyone.  fatima was giving me suggestions but it was funny because all of hers were introvert suggestions (cuz she's an introvert). like a list of books to read, which i will do, taking a course, podcasts, pen pals, all things i will do, but i was like i'm an extrovert, i need some social interaction.  then i got some ideas. parties!  i can plan some zoom parties!  or get togethers, what have yous.  i can do a work one, some family ones, friend ones...  and other one on ones... i will have to make sure to be intentional about that.  make time for social interactions.

well it's 2am.  i had a 3 hour nap today.  gotta pee. bye.