blasted boot

 it turned out that it wasn't just a sore foot from a longer walk (a walk which was very chill and not strenuous btw).  after 3 days of mostly being off of it i had 2 days in a row at work.  i don't have to walk a lot at work.  just the occasional down the hallway and back, up to get the door, up to use the washroom etc. but at the end of the second day of work my foot was hurting quite a bit.  and during the night it got worse.  i woke up to a 'hi you can't ignore this pain' foot and as the day wore on it felt worse and worse.  i was working from home and i couldn't find a position for my foot felt good.  every positon hurt.  by the afternoon i went to warm up in my bed and i was near tears because it hurt so much.  then my friend called and i was telling him about it and i started to cry.  i was feeling sorry for myself.  pity party moment.  it's ok to have those sometimes--it's normal.  i actually had the thought what if i have cancer in my foot and i die and i didn't finish all the things i want to do in life, and no one will even remember me or know the things i accomplished because i don't have children and then i totally started crying.  ha ha ahhhh.  the self knows just what to say to the self to make her cry.  i can laugh about it now.  

my friend cheered me up a bit and when i got off the phone i decided two things.  put the air cast on and take some advil.  putting the air cast on was like admitting defeat. also i didn't want it to seem like i was doing it for attention or to be a hypochondriac.  of course that's messed up because didn't want it to seem like that to who?? i live alone!  i've had this fear of seeming like a hypochondriac all my life.  this nagging voice, is it real or are you being dramatic?  it's an annoying little jerk voice making me doubt myself because if i look back on all my injuries i knew.  i knew when i was 7 and i broke my leg that i couldn't walk on it.  i just knew it.  i knew when i broke my elbow that i had really injured it.  there's only one time i can think of when i kind of freaked out and it wasn't that big of a deal.  that's when i fell on the rocks at lynn canyon and had that instant bulge on my wrist.  so what i'm saying is i should just trust myself and not worry about judgements.  i know something isn't right with my foot again.  that injury is over 2 years old.  i'm mad that it's back. i was watching the videos of this fat girl on tik tok.  she is super into hiking and she inspired me.  i thought maybe i could work my way up to being able to actually hike.  nothing major.  but you know, a real hike and i started thinking about how i could do it.  and now i'm bum of foot.  i'm going to the dr on wed.

anyways enough about that.  i've been going to bed early and getting up early to work on the news & views and working late.  this january issue is late.  usually i get it out on the first week of the month but it just wasn't humanly possible and and i gave myself a break.  so it'll be done when it's done.  but i hope that is tomorrow or the next day.

today i had a meeting with j9 and andi about the youth and young adult program (yap).  i thought it was really good and we came up with some solid ideas and plans.  it's fun working with the girls.  they are the ages of some of my nieces and nephews.  i think andi's mom is a year older or younger than me.

we had a younger member in our unit today and we ended up talking with him about his home situation which is not great.  he has a family member who is not well psychologically and it doesn't seem like he has any support.  i really feel for him.  we talked about the fear you have calling the police or emergency line.  it feels like you are almost betraying your loved one, or they might be mad at you or shut you out of their life etc.  i've had a number of situations like that personally and at work.  and i've come to the conclusion that my care for the person i'm trying to help trumps the fact that they might be mad at me for it.  but it is a hard position to be in.  you really feel it.

dave, tanya, barb, lisa and i had zoom date with una today.  it was really nice to chat and catch up with her.  i miss her. i miss lisa too. i never get to see her anymore.

i'm making plans.  i want to write more and read more.  yesterday i was compiling a list of books to read.  last year i started reading again.  it doesn't sound like much but i read 3 books.  heather reads 3 books at the same time.  this year i want to expand what i did last year.  because i want to write more.  maybe write something special.  and if you want to be good at writing you need to read.  and i need breaks from the online world.  reading is good for that.  finding quotes for heather's gift inspired me too.  so let's see what happens.  i was going to download some of the books on to the kobo that heather gave me.  but it's dead and can i find the charger? noicannot.

i cannot wait to take this blasted boot off.  "don't say blast".