for the shame of wobblies

today i felt that old feeling--work stress.  oh yeah, i remember you.  i'm taking on a lot and my self imposed deadlines are looming.  living on the edge--social services style.  

i don't remember if i said before, but i just recently hired j9 for a position that reaches out to youth in the community.  she just started a tiktok account for us.  to be hip with kids if you know what i mean.  i mean j9 was a teen like 3 or 4 years ago but  plump middle aged ladies like me have to do their research.  so i got a tiktok account and i spent some hours today looking around and familiarizing myself with it.  i happened upon these videos of this guy laughing his head off to the dumb things and funny spelling mistakes people make online.  i started watching all his posts.  really the hook is his laugh.  he laughs so hard and it's a wheezy kind of laugh and you can't help but laugh too.  i watched this one on loop because i was trying to read what it said because he was laughing too hard to be understood but i couldn't read it because my eyes are elderly and also his laughing was causing an automatic laughing response in me and my eyes were curled up and and i was laughing and crying at the same time.  you know when laughing makes you cry.  his laugh on loop made me cry.

then i watched a documentary on anne frank that told parallel stories of women who survived.  then i watched crazy rich asians.  nice juxtaposition.  when the guy's mom says "you will never be enough." that is such a gut punch.  because sometimes i believe that.  not always.  their is just that voice that tells me and maybe you, that neither of us are enough.  shame is feeling that you are not enough.   and i just happened to be trying to edit 2 photos of me and heather.  they were taken in saguaro national park in arizona, amid the giant saguaro cacti.  they are fun pics and i'm acting silly.  but i'm emphasizing my double chins and i can't say i look pretty in those photos.  i love those photos.  but sometimes it's hard to love the way i look at just accept myself as more than good enough in them.  part of me wants to just be happy because it's a happy memory with one of my best friends in a special place.  another less secure part of me is uncomfortable--you look too fat.  you look to old.  you don't look pretty.  you are not good enough. 

what is the point in yucking my own yum when it's something i can't control?  being good enough has nothing to do with body size or double chins and everything to do with being a precious creation of the most high God, and his treasured daughter.  a daughter he floods with gifts too many to receive them all.  not good enough?  i'm worth everything  and so are you.  to him, i matter too too much.  

it's still hard though.  but i choose to give that gut punch a big squeezing hug.  lovies.