feeling you

dark rainy day.  i feel you.  i woke up in the middle of the night last night with the incredible urgency to sneeze.  up my left nostril was a living, vibrating twinging ready to explode.  i pulled the nasal pillows of my cpap out and....kablooey!  a sneeze rocketed through my dark and still room.  many more of these detonations have blasted the stillness of my isolation day today.  my left nostril is still a powder keg ready to blow at any minute, my left eye perpetually watery and my head heavy and dully aching.  allergies.  how wonderfully my body protects itself from innocuous things.  how fiercely my nose expels harmless interlopers that cross it's boundary.

and so i've had a low-key day. lounging around in my nothings, listening to podcasts and editing photos.  i had a nap.  in a burst of energy i did the dishes.  i'm learning to do the dishes almost every day. change is slow sometimes.

i've fallen off the regular morning scripture study routine several times.  but right now i'm back on and i hope i can continue to get back on until i don't fall off, but let's admit and accept that it's a very human thing to do.  both the falling off and the getting back on.  anyways, right now my study place is out on the porch.  when i was out there this morning i was looking at my green onions in glass jars against the green of the trees. "hmm green on green..." i said to myself.  then i proceeded to take these pics.  i call them "a short meditation of green on green"

judy has trusted me with some lemon mint and some parsley.  the plants were an offering in return for 5 cups of kitty litter. "you have to water them" she warned as she plunked them down near my top step. i promised i would.  "i home now so i have more time for plants" i offered as some kind of reassurance.  she told me the lemon mint would keep mosquitoes away and i am all for that.  i can also imagine up much culinary creativity in regards to lemon and mint.  

i was supposed to go grocery shopping today but i didn't feel up to it.  the sneezing would be a definite crowd displeaser and also i have a cold sore and not keen to don a mask right now.  so i ordered pizza (i got a free one with points) and pasta (for tomorrow) and 2 lava cakes (hello. hi. wanna be bf gf? yes!)

on friday it was my social activity.  we did karaoke on zoom.  that was kind of fun and kind of awful sounding at the same time.  in the end it just became a giant free for all sing along.  

i've been thinking a lot about george floyd and the awful image of one man kneeling on another man's neck. and not moving.  the callous disregard for his precious life.  so blatantly openly inhumane.  i really can't understand it.  closer to home violent acts and hate crimes against asian canadians seem to be reported every week.  in a time when some people are finding unity and standing together in beautiful ways other people are experiencing an added fear in an already anxious time.  i don't know what it's like to feel afraid of the police because of how i look or afraid of an attack as i'm out and about minding my own business because of how i look.  i feel like i don't have the right to say anything about that.  at the same time i want people who face discrimination and hate and violence to know i care what happens to them.  i want to speak out about what's not right.  i want to stand up for them and with them.  because it's all of us--humans. children of God.  creatures of divinity.  i don't know the right words to say or exactly the right thing to do.  one thing i do is pray for us all.  for justice for those who are oppressed.  for safety and peace. for the love of God to dwell in every human's heart and that we will lose the disposition to hurt one another and learn to love one another better. i also pray for wisdom and inspiration and faith for myself, to know what good things to do.  good people need to do good things. by chance of birth i don't carry the  burdens that people of colour do by chance of their birth.  but i believe in bearing one another's burdens that they may be light.  i believe that love is the thing that does not fail.  cannot fail.  hate divides.  love is the thing that unites.  let there be healing and let there be light.  let me be guided to the good i can do.  even if it's small--it might not be insignificant.

ps. here's some of the photos i took of katie's beautiful children.