faux summer--faux poke fr fr

i'm not sure what i want to write today.  i just know that i want to and so here we are.  i'm sitting out on my porch in the late evening with the lowering sun shining in on me from the west and a light breeze dancing.  this temperature change has been so sudden.  may has really out done herself in her faux summer show.  but we both (may and i) know that junuary is around the corner.  what my feet know is this: they hot.  my birthday tulips have opened up as wide as they can go and the blossoms are starting to crisp and shrivel.  they were a joy to have.  maybe i'll get some more.

maybe.

the covid emotional roller coaster continues.  i started crying on wednesday afternoon listening to drbonniehenry and the premier lay out our provinces plan to loosen restrictions.  i was sitting on the porch trying to warm my feet (why are they so ornery?!) in the sun spots and listening to them on my phone, tuned in to cbc radio and i got a huge lump in my throat for all we've been through and all we will yet experience together.  then i got my period 2 days later and that kind of explains that.  so anyways back to the roller coaster sometimes i'm super productive and creative.  other times i move slow and i work all day from my bed.  sometimes i stay super connected, talking and chatting and messaging and video calling all of those special people in my life that make me feel like i'm known and i belong.  other days i have a yearning that cannot be quenched and i do super stupid things that i'd rather not share and would rather erase from my personal hard drive, aka brain/mind.  it's a lot and it's not so bad.  it's the worst and such great things are born of it.  sounds like a microcosm of life.  

mmm the breeze has become delicious unto me.

on friday i was scheduled to do my first social since the shut down.  we were doing karaoke on zoom.  but last minute it got switched with colouring.  i assumed i would be doing the karaoke at the time it was rescheduled to--end of month.  but at about an hour before the start tajana mentioned to me via whatsapp "i'm so glad you are doing this with me...blah blah blah"  and i was all "am i doing it with you??" and then i was all, "ok cool." i got out my colouring book that i got myself the year they were trending and i went outside to the sunny porch and coloured with some people on zoom.  it was super chill and super nice. we just chatted and coloured.  that's it.  simple.  it was so nice for me.  also i discovered the unknown unused, untapped beauty and fun of water colour pencil crayons. i  got them with the book and i thought they were kind of duds.  they didn't have intensity of colour.  i tried colouring with them and then brushing over it with a paint brush and water but no big impact.  but fri night i licked the tip and WOAH.  magical, flowy bright, colourful, blendable!  a whole new world!  so after the zoom session was over i kept colouring and i coloured yesterday too.  it's very zen.  

i haven't eaten much in the last few days.  i was in a weird funk where i didn't feel like eating even though i was super hungry.  and i needed to grocery shop and i have these exciting food projects to shop for and yet could not bring myself to write a list despite bringing the cookbook with me different places in order to start and then never starting.  weird funk.  that's over.  i smashed it today by creating my own faux poke bowl with all the random food scraps  that i have left.  i thawed some mango and avocado chunks in some lime juice and a shake of salt and chipotle chili powder (i eat bowls of frozen mango chunks or pineapple chunks this way by the way. it's delish) while the rice was cooking.  i made tamago (japanese omelette with a little sugar and soy sauce, folded and sliced real thin), caramelized some onions, chopped up some green onion, roasted some sesame and pumpkin seeds, and made a sauce with grated ginger, lemon juice, dijon and spoon of hummus--so lemony and YUM .  when the rice was done i put it all together with some canned cocktail shrimps.  and i gotta say--nailed it.  it was the bomb dot com and it got me out of my food funk.   

it's mother's day.  mudsy day.  i'm so grateful for my mom.  my most faithful reader, my champion who sees me through love coloured glasses and shares the view with me.  that whimsical lady who folds stuffed bunny arms into the cutest kind of hilarious pose, who finds a way to make things work with panty hose, duct tape and caesar salad dressing.  the wise woman--the spiritual giant full of faith and faithfulness mothering me and us all every day for many days on end with no end in sight and no turning back.  love you mom.  you are the reason i always wanted to be a mom since i was a little girl.  you showed me the greatness that lies in that calling.