maintain yourself and everything maintains itself around you--paul kantner

maintenance.  it has occurred to me that maintenance is easier than starting over.  this little piece of wisdom may be self evident to most people but it's a hard lesson for me to learn.  maintenance is the thing i lack much of the time.  i fall more readily into the starting and stopping and maybe starting again categories.  the steadiness of maintenance is not my forte.   but i'm working on that.  right now there are a few things that i am attempting to maintain.  before i left for christmas i put the house in order by doing all my dishes, washing down the cuppboards, sweeping the floor and scrubbing spots.  i put all my clothes away and i made my bed.  i tidied up the kitchen table and cleaned the toilet and sink in the bathroom.  this is the kind of thing i do every once in a while but--but i usually wait too long.  i wait until my clothes have been heaped in a pile in my suitcase for 3 months.  i wait until every last spoon is dirty (i have 14 large spoons and 12 small spoons.  the spoon is my favourite utensil) and dishes have been piled in and around the sink for a month or more.  i just ignore it and work around it.  but at the same time it bothers me.  it is there on the side niggling at me, weighing me down and when i finally take care of that issue i feel so light and free.  so i'm trying something different.  i'm trying to tame the unruly me into maintenance.  washing one bowl and one spoon and a single pot and maybe a cutting board is so quick and easy.  i know all of this already but the drive in me to neglect these kinds of things is strong.  i need a steady reminder of how much i like it when my counters are clean.  last night before i went to bed i washed my dishes.  i didn't want to.  "i don't want to do this." i said to myself. "i'm tired, i want to go to bed."  "shhh..." i said a little condescendingly to myself "this will be so fast.  it's no big deal.  you'll be glad you did it."  "i'm tired!" i whined.  "it's ok." i comforted as i grabbed another thing and began scrubbing it.  i wonder if anyone else has this kind of inner dialogue.  i wonder if anyone else is still ruled by their inner child on such matters.  i'm grown up except where i'm not. 

so i've been home about a week and i'm still doing my dishes and putting my clothes away.  i'm fully aware that there will come a day where i fail on maintenance.  the thing is the sooner i come back to it the easier it will be and the point is just to be more maintaining oriented than neglect/ignore oriented.  and i guess it's that way with a lot of self-improvements.  my gift is not necessarily steadiness but i do have the gift of optimism and hope and that keeps me returning and trying again each time i fail or mess up.  we were joking with dad when he needed to get up from his chair.  i'd say "get up and win the race!", quoting his favourite poem to quote and martha would quote bambi's dad "get up.  you must get up.  get up!"  but i actually really say get up and win the race to myself all the time.  sometimes i think most of the battle is won with just getting back on your feet.  if you fail to try you will just fail.  once you are on your feet the momentum will carry you to your next steps.

i don't make any grand big goals for jan 1st.  i am making goals throughout the year all the time.  right now my goals are maintenance based.  maintain the dishes.  maintain putting my clothes away. maintain going to bed early and getting up early.  maintain daily prayer and scripture reading.  maintain writing in this blog.  do the things i know make me feel good and make me healthy.  then when i feel ready i can add a healthy behavior.  one thing i'm thinking about is financial and health related.  i'm thinking on saving money by eating fast food less and being healthier by cooking at home more.  exactly how i want to do this i haven't quite decided but i'm thinking about it.  i want to choose a way that isn't too structured because i buck structure and a way that is kind of fun because...well fun is fun and i like it so i'll be more responsive to it.  stay tuned. 

barb and i in the silver ball of drammen norway.