thoughts
the end of august beginning of september was a flurry of adventures for me. now i have a couple of weeks before the next adventure begins. thank goodness for the slower pace of the weekends.
lately i've been thinking about how sometimes the things i feel a little stressed about or dread a little bit, or complain about in my heart, those are the very things that i need, or that are giving me blessings. like for example, when i finally finished douglas and tatiana's wedding photos and said "i'm never doing another wedding again." because the sheer work of it was a weight on me. the magnitude of the job hanging over me until i was done, i didn't want more of that. but literally the moment after those words left my mouth madelaine texted me and asked me to do her wedding. and i groaned and felt reluctant and tried to talk her out of it but in the end we negotiated a deal. and it was while doing that wedding that i realized what a blessing it was to do it. that being the photographer brought me, a single woman with no family of her own, into the inner circle of that wedding to witness the love and joy and beauty of it all and not only to witness it but to be connected to it and a participant in a way that i would not have been otherwise. and not only that, but by being needed, and by being in demand it gives me an opportunity and an urgency even to hone my skills, to develop creatively and improve. if i didn't have people asking me to do it i wouldn't improve or develop in the same way. and at the end of that wedding i was grateful i was asked to do it and i felt blessed to do those images. and since then i've thought about that in many aspects of my life. when i find myself feeling ugh about something i can stop and try and look at it in a new way. like how is this a blessing? heavenly father did promise that he will turn all things to our good. i have faith in that. and sometimes i don't exactly see what the blessings are and i just rely on that promise. like being in bankruptcy is hard. there are little annoyances like i don't have credit. that limits me in paying for parking or ordering things online etc but not too much. but otherwise it is hard living from pay cheque to pay cheque again. i worry about little purchases like a bra and i put it off until absolutely necessary. in the back of my mind i'm always thinking can i afford driving out that far, having this meal out, or going on this trip. and i worry about emergencies because my emergency funds were almost all eaten up by the combination of archie's illness/death and going into bankruptcy and car repairs. one thing that is positive is i know i can survive with 500 dollars less a month and so when this is over it will be easier to save. also i feel like this is a thing i am meant to endure patiently and so i'm trying to do that. and i hope that the 'work' of endurance will strengthen me in ways that i don't know. and i feel like this trip to norway through work is a gift to me from heavenly father because he knows how i long to travel and have adventures and see the world and this way the flight is paid for and it just so happens that my good friend barb lives not far from there and i can stay with her after and it just so happens that i can go to stockholm by train and stay at the temple guesthouse for 15 dollars a night and or stay with kaetlyn. and it just so happened that i got a retroactive raise the month before i leave that gives me a little chunk of money and also it just so happened that i got one of my only paying photography jobs the month before as well, that gives me another little chunk. so maybe hardships are good for showing you the hand of God in your life. i know he watches over me. i know he blesses me abundantly and he always takes care of me. whatever happens i don't need to worry so why worry? i think i'm going to attempt trust in God instead.
lately i've been thinking about how sometimes the things i feel a little stressed about or dread a little bit, or complain about in my heart, those are the very things that i need, or that are giving me blessings. like for example, when i finally finished douglas and tatiana's wedding photos and said "i'm never doing another wedding again." because the sheer work of it was a weight on me. the magnitude of the job hanging over me until i was done, i didn't want more of that. but literally the moment after those words left my mouth madelaine texted me and asked me to do her wedding. and i groaned and felt reluctant and tried to talk her out of it but in the end we negotiated a deal. and it was while doing that wedding that i realized what a blessing it was to do it. that being the photographer brought me, a single woman with no family of her own, into the inner circle of that wedding to witness the love and joy and beauty of it all and not only to witness it but to be connected to it and a participant in a way that i would not have been otherwise. and not only that, but by being needed, and by being in demand it gives me an opportunity and an urgency even to hone my skills, to develop creatively and improve. if i didn't have people asking me to do it i wouldn't improve or develop in the same way. and at the end of that wedding i was grateful i was asked to do it and i felt blessed to do those images. and since then i've thought about that in many aspects of my life. when i find myself feeling ugh about something i can stop and try and look at it in a new way. like how is this a blessing? heavenly father did promise that he will turn all things to our good. i have faith in that. and sometimes i don't exactly see what the blessings are and i just rely on that promise. like being in bankruptcy is hard. there are little annoyances like i don't have credit. that limits me in paying for parking or ordering things online etc but not too much. but otherwise it is hard living from pay cheque to pay cheque again. i worry about little purchases like a bra and i put it off until absolutely necessary. in the back of my mind i'm always thinking can i afford driving out that far, having this meal out, or going on this trip. and i worry about emergencies because my emergency funds were almost all eaten up by the combination of archie's illness/death and going into bankruptcy and car repairs. one thing that is positive is i know i can survive with 500 dollars less a month and so when this is over it will be easier to save. also i feel like this is a thing i am meant to endure patiently and so i'm trying to do that. and i hope that the 'work' of endurance will strengthen me in ways that i don't know. and i feel like this trip to norway through work is a gift to me from heavenly father because he knows how i long to travel and have adventures and see the world and this way the flight is paid for and it just so happens that my good friend barb lives not far from there and i can stay with her after and it just so happens that i can go to stockholm by train and stay at the temple guesthouse for 15 dollars a night and or stay with kaetlyn. and it just so happened that i got a retroactive raise the month before i leave that gives me a little chunk of money and also it just so happened that i got one of my only paying photography jobs the month before as well, that gives me another little chunk. so maybe hardships are good for showing you the hand of God in your life. i know he watches over me. i know he blesses me abundantly and he always takes care of me. whatever happens i don't need to worry so why worry? i think i'm going to attempt trust in God instead.
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