new heart

i feel like i should share about the little war i've been engaged in.  except to me it's really not that little.  i guess i say 'little' because the battles have been waged mostly in the walls of my own heart, which doesn't take up much space.  but then again when i say the word heart, i don't mean that muscle pumping on the left side of my chest.  i mean that other thing that is harder to define which encompasses my wishes, desires, hopes, feelings, attitudes, faith, work,...that inner life that can be as wide and as deep as forever so in that case the field of battles is also immense.  anyways what i want to say is that it became clear to me that my heart wasn't quite right.  i keep writing sentences and then erasing them.  i'm resisting writing this like a fairy tale.  this is a true story and it happened to me.  it is happening to me now.  i'll just say that although i felt like a mostly good person, sometimes i had dark desires.  i don't know how it happened to me exactly.  i think events of 2014 that cumulatively were disastrous to my emotional state had some long lasting effects on me.  but i'm not really sure.  i just know that i actually really wanted things that the rational part of me knew were wrong and not good for me.  like really really bad for me.  it felt like sometimes i hunger and thirsted after ungodly things rather than righteousness.   and sometimes it would send me spinning into days of depression and withdrawal from all the good things in my life.  and i came to a point that i really really really wanted to change that.  but how do you change what you want?  how do you change your heart?  i couldn't even understand why i wanted those dark things.  but you know, first of all i want to say that it's not wrong to be tempted. that's part of being human. and temptations wouldn't be temptations if they were easy to reject. and the battle we wage against evil is often just a battle within ourselves.  well it is that way for me anyways.  well anyways sometimes the answers are a gradual thing, like when you wake up slow.  for me i decided that i would test the promises of the power of the scriptures.  i decided to make a serious commitment to early morning daily scripture study.  no matter what.  because i found with myself, that when i was feeling less than righteous sometimes i shunned spiritual practices.  but my new rule was to treat the stony parts of my heart with the Holy Ghost.  i began to put consistent daily effort into study.  and i began to ask God to change my heart.  make it clean and new.  sanctify it.  he promises that he can do that.  i decided to practice faith in that.  because sometimes it feels like it's not possible.   there are a lot of lies out there that are very believable that change is not possible. 

to be honest i still had days that i struggled.  that i found myself  wanting those old dark things.  but i didn't let that fact stop me from my commitment of study and prayer.  and really-repenting.  because every time i strayed, i said i'm sorry and i want to get right back on track and i did, to the best of my ability.  i didn't wallow in those dark times like i have before.  repentance in swedish is omvändlese and it means turning around.  turning back to God.  and that was the thing i focused on.  and i found that it became easier and easier to turn back to God.  and i think i'm still in the process of getting my new heart.  and maybe it's a life project to have that heart that only desires to do good continually.  a heart pure and sanctified.  and as time goes on i find more light and understanding to add to the light i was already given.  and i feel the light on those shadows that my heart once harboured.  and i feel like healing is taking place.  salvation is his song.  he's here to save and he doesn't think we're disgusting or repulsive because of our wounds. he keeps his promises and he can make all things new.

 " Then will I sprinkle clean water upon you, and ye shall be clean: from all your filthiness, and from all your idols, will I cleanse you.
  A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.
  And I will put my spirit within you, and c ause you to walk in my statutes, and ye shall keep my judgments, and do them."--ezekiel 36:25-27

anyways i don't know if this will make sense to anyone but me, but if it only makes sense to me then it still has value because i want to remember this feeling and these ideas and this whole experience.  what i just wanted to say was i have learned for myself that hearts can change.  change is possible and the master changer of hearts is Jesus Christ.  but only if we give him ours.  we hand in the broken hearts and we get back these beautiful tender new shining hearts.  and he is the light that shines in them.  and it's like we give him our entire hearts and he gives them back to us built with new materials. and the new material is him.  and we are a part of him and he is a part of us and he perfects us by becoming one with us.    and sometimes i have felt so far from that unity with Christ.  but he showed me the way to get back there and he continues to be a light in the mists of confusion and darkness.    he is the way.  and we are never too far from him to return.  i know that.  i love you.  i love him.  and i'm so grateful that he doesn't ever give up on me and that he can look at my leprosy of the heart and be like, yeah we can fix this.  this doesn't change your worth in my eyes.  you are worth everything to me lauraannclarke.  you are my daughter and i have done everything for you.