do it
when i finally got home from work today i was exHAUSTed. the kind of tired when you sink into oblivion on the couch and lose all ability to even twitch a muscle as you close your burning eyes and float in the effervescence of weakness. that's how i felt. and my toe felt weird. like it needed to be cracked. but i had not the will nor the strength to even reach my hand towards my toe, nor to bend said toe. that was my state as the time for young women's edged nearer and nearer.
there is nothing like responsibility to rouse one from one's process of becoming one with the furniture.
our activity was handing out flyers in the church neighbourhood. it's the 60th anniversary of our building and we're having an open house shin dig. so it was that leilani and i and 2 energetic 12/13 year olds were on the road going house to house door to door with our little invites. it wasn't so bad once we got going. i forgot that i was tired. but i didn't forget about my toe. toe continued to be weird. it was nice to be outside and see lots of cute houses amongst the monster houses and say cheery hellos to the people walking by.
today we had a workshop on suicide at work. i've been trained in the assist program so it was beginners stuff for me and i doodled a lot. but it was good to talk about it. and it reminded me of some people i needed to check in on. the workshop facilitator said people don't talk about suicide enough, which makes it harder for people to approach one another if they need to talk to someone about suicide. some people have a hard time saying the word suicide. what have been your experiences around suicide? i've had thoughts that i wanted to die before. but never that i wanted to do suicide. but just having those thoughts of not wanting to live, that scared me. i've also talked to a few different people who were thinking of suicide. one of the things that is hard, is to listen without trying to change how they feel. to sit with them and hear them where they are, not try to make it better or point out good things in their life etc etc. but to say i see you in this dark place and i'm here with you. it can be intense.
because of the workshop we were behind in our afternoon work. namely we had to cater the board meeting. nuria and janine were off so it was just jimmy and i. we finished about 10 min after 4 and then i realized the morning meeting wasn't done, so i did that, and then i checked in on my guy who i thought of during the suicide workshop. he's not doing so well lately so i asked him to meet me for a little talk and we got screamers and went for a drive and talked about things. i didn't get home until 5:30 and you know what happened then.
i found this quote that goes with my current theme of living life:
"do it. do the thing that sits on your ribs and whispers of lava centers and passions ignited. do it, the thing that writes happiness in your bones. do it, the thing you don't do but should do. do it, the thing that makes your heart beat. do it, the thing that makes your skies melt. do it, the thing that makes you alive."-- by brooke solis
good right. manifesto.
i'm going to bed because early rising is my new jam. here's a few pics from my bonfire night last night.
my charred marshmellow s'more.
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