super saturday day

yesterday i had a shower.  yes this is big news.  i don't shower every day twice a day, like some.  but the point is, i've been hating on me.  feeling ick about my hair, my clothes, my weight, my home, my day to day.  with my hair, it was feeling so dull and heavy with build up. so yesterday i said to myself, self, why don't you give your hair an apple cider vinegar rinse? groovy idea, self, i responded. and so i did.  i diluted some apple cider vinegar with some water and put it in one of the empties that hang around my shower for no purpose but to mourn their emptiness.  and i was feeling good about the whole thing.  my hair looked good.  shiny even.  and i took some extra effort with my looks and wow, yeah and mmhmm.  yep.  hi cutie.

but then life got back to normal.  i went to costco to buy some (a lot) of stuff and when i came out it was raining so hard.  i had an awesome parking spot too.  but by the time i got there, and got all my mountain of stuff into my car, i was soaked and my hair was flat and wet against my scalp.  ironically there was a jacket with a hood in my car in case i needed it.  but i don't expect to be so prepared and so it was for naught.

it dried ok, but the sheeny shine was gone.  a slowly accumulating cloud of fuzz  had replaced it by the end of the day.  that's more real life.  that's more me.  that's the life of it's own frizz  that baby avereigh pointed to in horror on halloween night long ago.  so go ahead self, have an apple cider vinegar rinse moment, but don't expect it to last long.  your homeostasis is fuzz and the universe will not let you forget it for long.

random thought i had yesterday: why does saying 'an unicorn' or 'an unicycle' sound so so wrong?

today was our ward's relief society's super saturday.  this did not include crafts.  it was a morning of workshops and then a potluck lunch.  i signed up to bring a crock pot meal, but i didn't have the energy/will/soul/life to make anything last night.  so i thought about not going. but which is worse, not going, or not bringing food? i looked at my frizz cloud and doubted some more.  but then katie called and i told her my dilema.  she said usually when she didn't feel like going to something, it turned out to be exactly what she needed.  yeah, actually that happens to me too, i thought.  so i decided to go and leave before lunch.

so basically i chose workshops that didn't have anything to do with parenting or fhe.  that left me with estate planning first and pitchers and glasses--self care second.  so basically i don't have an estate to worry about, but i might have one day before i die, so it was useful information.  bankerbishop cook gave that workshop.

the second one on self-care was really good and it was the one i needed to come for.  socialworker jacinta did that one.  right at the beginning she told about at the early part of her career when she was working in homeless shelters and how she would come home and go straight to her room, turn off the lights and climb into bed with all her clothes on and just lay there because everything was so heavy and she just couldn't handle it.  i got a lump in my throat from that moment on.  she was talking about her but talking about me at the same time and what she was talking about was burn out.  it was a really good workshop.  i know that as a nurturing giving woman, i need to take care of myself, or else i will be on empty and have nothing left for anyone.  i know about it and i agree with it.  but i don't always practice it.  in fact, i'd say that as soon as life starts getting hectic self-care is the first thing to go for me.  i stop getting enough sleep, i am haphazard about replenishing my spiritual reserves, i eat sporadically and make bad choices, and i just keep taking on more and more and pushing myself more and more and thinking that i can handle everything.  but then i come home and you know what? in this state i don't like coming home.  sometimes i even just sit in my car for a while and listen to the radio or text or whatever, because i know that inside there are many things that need to be done and that i want to do, but i just won't do them.  i'll go to my bed and lay there and even then try to make myself accomplish more things, like edit photos even if my creativity is on life support because i am an empty shell of a woman..... :) days like today are so good because i think it will be a life long thing to remind myself to stop and take care of myself so that i can do all the other things.

so i made some self-care goals.

after that workshop was one all together with a marriage and family therapist who talked about dealing with conflict in relationships.  i liked her workshop a lot too, after i got over the fact that she says "right" every couple of seconds. :) i had to tell that part of me to shut up and pay attention to the content.  she said in conflicts you can be fight, flight, freeze, food or sex.  and honestly i identified parts of me in all of them except the sex one. like fight--aggressive, irritability, blaming.  i can definitely get irritable, and maybe sometimes aggressive, but i don't blame much.  it's not my jam.  flight--avoid, escape, withdraw.  yeah i can do all of those too, depending on the sitch.  freeze--deny, minimize, downplay.  yeah, i have a condo in d' nile and sometimes i stay there.  food--over or under eat, comfort foods.  let's not talk about it.  i'm going to deny my food issues.

if you're a fighter--take a breather.  give yourself a time-out.  say "i'm leaving the room but not the relationship" if you are a runner--be present. stay in the room.  if you're a frozen buff--give yourself internal validation, and give the situation a ranking.  if it's food--eat balanced etc.  those are just quickies about each type.

when i got home i started on my new self-care goals right away.  i may or may not have made a chart that may or may not be totally rad.

after all that is said and done--the christmas tree is now on the porch and i think that 's a good start.