i'm on the ferry heading back to the mainland after a night and a day in nanaimo. i feel that soul satisfaction that comes from spending time outside. i also feel that weariness that comes from sleeping/not sleeping without 'the machine'. i didn't want the strapped down with five bags, pachyderm ferry experience. my raw throat, enlarged uvula and burning eyes this morning did not thank me.
anyways i don't know if you can tell but i'm starting to feel better. it's not a clear kind of thing. i mean i still cry so easily. like so easily, just thinking about how sad i've been makes me tear up. or one day last week i remembered something. one of the sweet, innocent, trusting caring moments when i was taken care of and the grief came gurgling up and i cried all night. i still have moments when i am so so so lonely. i still spend most of my time at home in my bed. but my happier moments are more real. i have more to give other people. my creativity is seeping back. my imagination cottons on to new projects that i want to tackle. i deep cleaned my house. i pray more and i seek out spiritual edification.
i haven't been what i should have been spiritually. i've been a bit lost. not in what i know, or in what i believe. just i couldn't reach out to God like i always have before. all i seemed able to do was hide and hibernate, lay still and wait... i'm not sure what i was waiting for. maybe just the will to try, the strength to face, a sliver of sun to fall across my eyes.
i think my new position is good for me. it forces me into action. i have plans and ideas and projects. i have people who look to me and who need me. i've been a horrible flake at my calling. but it remains and i have had to act. this last week i was talking to a friend who was despairing and i found myself saying things that were true and that i needed to hear said to me, and i gulped down my tears and continued talking thanking God in my head as i continued. and i have been hearing as if from far away the same messages over and over and over. and i just want to say thank you God for reaching out to me when i couldn't reach out to you. and thanks for trying again and again and again and again and again. and thanks for being so gentle and so patient.
i'm coming back.