i'm on the ferry heading back to the mainland after a night and a day in nanaimo.  i feel that soul satisfaction that comes from spending time outside.  i also feel that weariness that comes from sleeping/not sleeping without 'the machine'.  i didn't want the strapped down with five bags, pachyderm ferry experience.  my raw throat, enlarged uvula and burning eyes this morning did not thank me.

anyways i don't know if you can tell but i'm starting to feel better.  it's not a clear kind of thing.  i mean i still cry so easily.  like so easily, just thinking about how sad i've been makes me tear up.  or one day last week i remembered something.  one of the sweet, innocent, trusting caring moments when i was taken care of and the grief came gurgling up and i cried all night.  i still have moments when i am so so so lonely.  i still spend most of my time at home in my bed.  but my happier moments are more real.  i have more to give other people.  my creativity is seeping back.  my imagination cottons on to new projects that i want to tackle.  i deep cleaned my house.  i pray more and i seek out spiritual edification.

i haven't been what i should have been spiritually.  i've been a bit lost.  not in what i know, or in what i believe.  just i couldn't reach out to God like i always have before.  all i seemed able to do was hide and hibernate, lay still and wait... i'm not sure what i was waiting for. maybe just the will to try, the strength to face, a sliver of sun to fall across my eyes.

i think my new position is good for me.  it forces me into action.  i have plans and ideas and projects.  i have people who look to me and who need me.  i've been a horrible flake at my calling.  but it remains and i have had to act.  this last week i was talking to a friend who was despairing and i found myself saying things that were true and that i needed to hear said to me, and i gulped down my tears and continued talking thanking God in my head as i continued.  and i have been hearing as if from far away the same messages over and over and over.  and i just want to say thank you God for reaching out to me when i couldn't reach out to you.  and thanks for trying again and again and again and again and again.  and thanks for being so gentle and so patient.

 i'm coming back.