Saturday, November 08, 2014

i'm on the ferry heading back to the mainland after a night and a day in nanaimo.  i feel that soul satisfaction that comes from spending time outside.  i also feel that weariness that comes from sleeping/not sleeping without 'the machine'.  i didn't want the strapped down with five bags, pachyderm ferry experience.  my raw throat, enlarged uvula and burning eyes this morning did not thank me.

anyways i don't know if you can tell but i'm starting to feel better.  it's not a clear kind of thing.  i mean i still cry so easily.  like so easily, just thinking about how sad i've been makes me tear up.  or one day last week i remembered something.  one of the sweet, innocent, trusting caring moments when i was taken care of and the grief came gurgling up and i cried all night.  i still have moments when i am so so so lonely.  i still spend most of my time at home in my bed.  but my happier moments are more real.  i have more to give other people.  my creativity is seeping back.  my imagination cottons on to new projects that i want to tackle.  i deep cleaned my house.  i pray more and i seek out spiritual edification.

i haven't been what i should have been spiritually.  i've been a bit lost.  not in what i know, or in what i believe.  just i couldn't reach out to God like i always have before.  all i seemed able to do was hide and hibernate, lay still and wait... i'm not sure what i was waiting for. maybe just the will to try, the strength to face, a sliver of sun to fall across my eyes.

i think my new position is good for me.  it forces me into action.  i have plans and ideas and projects.  i have people who look to me and who need me.  i've been a horrible flake at my calling.  but it remains and i have had to act.  this last week i was talking to a friend who was despairing and i found myself saying things that were true and that i needed to hear said to me, and i gulped down my tears and continued talking thanking God in my head as i continued.  and i have been hearing as if from far away the same messages over and over and over.  and i just want to say thank you God for reaching out to me when i couldn't reach out to you.  and thanks for trying again and again and again and again and again.  and thanks for being so gentle and so patient.

 i'm coming back.


Katie said...

I'm so glad you are coming back. And so sad that you've had so much to grieve over. I love you.

Anonymous said...

Love you! I'm happy you're starting to feel better.

amyleigh said...

I relate to so many things. I've been hibernating for years! Happy you're feeling better! I love you!

Beth-a-knee said...

so happy you're starting to feel better. sad you've had so much to grieve over. I love the way you describe God reaching out.