Tuesday, August 26, 2014

i'm sitting on my lazyboy love seat with one foot dangling over the edge.  archie took this as an invitation to saunter by and swipe his nose and cheek across the tip of my big toe, causing extreme itchiness to said digit.

my laptop overheats without provocation.  it's annoying.

i've been depressed.  when mom was staying with me she could tell.  she asked me about it one day after we got back from the hospital.  we were walking with naked feet in hopes the cool grass of the park would give some relief to the burning.  "have you ever been this depressed before?" i couldn't answer her easily because just talking about it made me have a lump in my throat.  so i shook my head, swallowed the lump and said simply "no.", blinking back the tears.  mom didn't dwell on it but shared what helps her.  spiritual stuff.  prayer.  scriptures.  the atonement. the basics.  i knew she was right.  

i am starting to feel better.  you know what is the best?  going to church is the best.  i appreciate it so much.  there is so much opportunity to be blessed when i go to church.  it could be a hymn like the lord is my light, for example that reminds me and teaches me and inspires me with just the right thing that i was needing and thinking about, it could be bits and pieces of people's talks that inspire me in personal ways that really have not much to do with their topic.  it could be the strength of and unity of the good people in my ward--they don't know they are strengthening me just by being earnest and sharing, and loving and whatever.  they may say something in a class that isn't even the perfect thing to say but it was so clear to me that they are so good in their hearts even if imperfect, and the goodness bolsters me. it is the spirit God that does all this and  it really is a gift to go to church on sunday. 

good friends are the best.  i got to see heather for the first time since egypt this weekend and heather is the best.  and i am so lucky to have such good kind special people who love me in my life.  i know i'm rich in good friends.

prayer is the best.  you know every time i ask him for peace or strength or love or inspiration, he gives it to me.  he doesn't ever fail me.  and i don't always know it at the time but i see it after.  and i think i'm starting to feel better because i started to talk to him and ask him again.  like today i had to do a photo shoot and i really didn't feel up to it because i feel like that part of me, that creative, inspired, joyful part has withered inside of me.  i asked him to make me more than i am and to help me, and just simply and quietly he did.  he always does.

this beautiful world is the best.  Heavenly Father gave me eyes that see the wonders of his creations and a heart that glories in them.  and even in the darkest day i can't ignore the perfect, complete majesty and wonders that surround me.  all i need to do is spend a little time outside and he speaks peace and love to me this way.  and it is soothing to a ragged heart.  and it is joyful. and it is unspeakable.

so i'm still in the middle of hard things, and i might have more dark days ahead but i'm thankful for today.  and i'm sorry if i've been a wooden hearted dreary zombie when you may have needed or expected something else.  i'll try not to eat your brains.


Fatima Beatty said...

Hi Budomyheart. You are perfect in all ways and this this the ultimate truth. I'll share some words that were given to me once: You rock it how you do and let me know if you need me to punch some faces.
See you when I am back in hometown..

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you're writing again. I've missed hearing your voice through your posts. It was good to be with you this weekend. I've missed you a lot!

Beth-a-knee said...

Hi labee. Mom is wonderful isn't she. even a depressed labee is the best most wonderful person and you can't help but increase others' joy n light around you. You can't help it.
two cents from a fub. Also, I understand what you mean about HF always answering prayers. There is always a soft landing when you ask him for help.