holes

i lost weight when i was falling in love.  i didn't even really try.  it just happened.  maybe because i was all filled up inside and i didn't hunger for anything else.  i don't know.  

now after it's over (not the love just the relationship), i look back on my week and realize i've hungered for everything.  that i've spent my time looking for ways to fill up the big gaping hole in my life.  this is not even anything i think about.  it's an autopilot behavior.  like eating 5 mini freezies and going straight back and getting 5 more.  but it's not just food.  it's everything.  i have been grasping for fillers.  but nothing works.  all is emptiness. it's all counterfeit. still it kept me mostly numb for a week.  

"Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled." --Matthew 5:6

"Come, my brethren, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters; and he that hath no money, come buy wine and milk without money and without price

  Wherefore, do not spend moeny for that which is of no worth, nor your labor for that which cannot satisfy.  Hearken diligently unto me, and remember the words which I have spoken; and come unto the Holy One of Israel, and feast upon that which perisheth not, neither can be corrupted, and let your soul delight in fatness."--2Nephi 9:50-51

i haven't done this very well this week.  i want to do better.  i think one thing i have learned is that peace comes only from God.

i've let everything go.  i just don't care anymore.  i have nothing to give towards caring.  my kitchen is hideous.  clothes are piling up, my car's a mess.  i take minimal effort to do my hair and i care very little about my clothes.  all these things i cared a lot about before because i wanted to be better.  i had someone to care about and so i cared about other things.  it's weird that it works like that.  i think one day i'll be able to care again, it's just that now i don't.

work keeps me going, because they need me.  and lisa is sick and today somebody said the words to me that i have feared hearing.  they don't think she will be coming back.  i miss her.  i love her and i hurt about it all.

and a new thing--i'm angry. not at anyone or anything.  i'm just angry. today on the power of that anger i moved my bed from one side of the room to the other and lugged my dresser away and shoved my hope chest around.  all the time crying angry tears and thinking angry thoughts.  i don't get angry very often.  almost never.  but i'm finding it a refreshing change from the usual weak helpless feelings of suffering.  anger makes me feel strong again.  i remember i used to think i was strong...

and that's a little bit of where i am at.