the roller coaster continues

hi.  i don't think many people read this anymore. i miss them but that's ok.  so the last time i wrote, it was john's wedding, which was a happy time, and also i was in the middle of so much sorrow and heart break.  just thinking of those days fills my eyes up with tears.  i didn't think it was possible to have so much anguish of spirit.  the day after the wedding i flew back to seattle and then drove home.  then i fell asleep for a while.  when i woke up, i don't remember much except that another tsunami of grief and pain washed over me and i lay on my bed and cried and cried and cried.  i remember hearing myself crying, and thinking i sounded like a wounded and broken bird.  i couldn't bear how i was feeling.  it was overwhelming and all encompassing.  i was not even able to get on my knees to pray, but i pleaded in my heart for God to help me.  the only thought i had was that i should write things down.  so i grabbed a notebook and i began to write.  writing is an amazing thing.  by the end of writing i had remembered that charity, the pure love of Christ, never fails.  and is greater than all things.  and i knew what to do.  i had been crying all night, but now, with a growing peace and with a heart full of love i sent an email and finally was able to sleep.

and then...stuff happened.  bashir and i talked.  and we worked some things out.  and we talked some more...and we decided to get married.  and since then we have been working on how to do this thing.  where will we do it, where will we live and how.  it is very difficult and every option has some barriers.  we had hoped for him to come to canada at least just for the wedding so everyone could meet him and so he could meet my beloved home and native true north strong and free... :)  but this seems like it is the hardest almost impossible option.  if anyone has any ideas or tips, i am soooo open to receiving them.

today is the first day of ramadan.  ramadan is a month where muslims fast from food and drink during daylight hours. it's a time of sacrifice and purifying, of renewing and strengthening faith.  during this month bashir and his bestie achmed, aka machmad are fasting from their fiances as well.  our only contact will be by email because of all we are working on might require some communication.  i have been thinking about it today and decided that i will do my own version of ramadan. a spiritual fast.  so i am fasting from those addicting time wasting games like candy crush etc.  i will try to be in bed by 10pm.  i will increase my scripture study and prayer.  i will work on beautifying/organizing/maintaining my home every day.  these are my ramadan goals.

today i was reading in alma 34 which is one of those chapters so fat with goodness.  i read this:
"...that ye humble yourselves even to the dust, and worship God, in whatsoever place ye may be in, in spirit and in truth; and that ye live in thanksgiving daily, for the many mercies and blessings which doth bestow upon you."  i think this will be my theme for the month.  to worship God in all i do...how much better a person i would be if i did this.  and the long month of separation from my love--this is a good time to practice thanksgiving for the many mercies and blessings from God.

i do feel so thankful.  i am thankful for so many people in my life who love me more than i deserve.  i'm thankful for second and third and fouth and fifth chances.  i'm thankful for health.  i'm thankful for prayer and for the word of God.  i'm thankful for people who do their best to do and be good and who become tools in the hands of God to bless other people, people like me.  ...i'm already late for my ramadan bed time!  good night!