heart ache
i want to talk about heart ache. about heart break, really. i don't want to be all dramatic and share my waterworks with you, although i don't know if i have ever cried so much in my life. great give me a medal. i get gold in the weeping olympics. i am so sad. it's not just sadness. it's deep deep down to the tips of your toes hurt and pain. i may as well admit it. i used to be able to hide things like this, but this is too all encompassing. i can't hide it well. it is always there and it is in everything. and also i want to talk about it. i want to know if i am kind of crazy or unhealthy or if other people think and feel like me.
i lost my love. he's gone forever and right now i hurt so much i don't even know where it all comes from. the intensity and the deep well of it surprises me. how do i have so much capacity for this much feeling. at what point will my feeling machine overload and break down. when can i go into robot mode. will it ever happen? uhh...so much for non-dramatics.
i was talking to katie about sense and sensibility. i said i never pictured myself as a maryann, but more of an elenor. but to my surprise, i am a maryann. i loved recklessly and with abandon and so much feeling. i threw my vulnerabilities at the feet of love. i put my all into it. and i am totally the kind who would stand in the rain swept hill, frozen and mumbling "willoughby...willoughby...willoughby", staring down at the place he was. it's embarrassing really. i have no pride. i don't care. i'm not above pleading.
you know what goes through my head as soon as i am left behind? i want to rebel. go do all the things i know he doesn't like, and that will worry him. not to hurt him. but to make him come back. it's messed up and passive aggressive, i guess. i haven't done any of the things. but i think about doing it. i feel like bella from twilight, when she does all the dangerous things to feel near to edward who has left her. oh my gosh. i feel like bella. i actually said that.
i've never felt like this before. i didn't realize how powerful love is and how you can't just let it go. i didn't know about it. and so what do you do? he's gone. am i supposed to let go? how do i do that? it doesn't seem possible. i see my life stretched out before me...a long lonely life of loving someone i can't be with. will i be like nora in pete's dragon, singing 'a candle on the water' each night? if so, will a friendly dragon go wake up my egjyptian and bring him home to me? ...
some people need to shut everything out. they need to try and erase all the painful things from their minds and hearts. i can understand that, but i don't want to do that at all. i want to hold on to it. i want to remember it. i want to record it. i want to keep it alive in my heart. because it was so special. it was so beautiful to me. it was so real and it happened. and i can't say it didn't happen. i can't pretend it away. i don't want to. it's mine. i loved so much. and i was loved so much. it happened. maybe the other way is more healthy. i don't know. but it is the one thing i am sure about. i cannot bury it.
so what does everyone think? am i messed up? do you think it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?
mom and dad came over for dinner today. they didn't know what had happened. but dad asked me before he was even inside the door how i was doing. i said not so good. and he hugged me and said he didn't know what i was going through but that he knew i was having struggling and having heart ache. and i started to cry on his shoulder and i told him that bashir was gone. mom and dad were so kind to me. so loving and gentle. they could have said anything. like it wouldn't have worked anyway or something like that, but they were both just sorry i was hurting and they both hugged me and dad said that they loved me and i would always have them. after a while i showed them my treasures that i brought home and they were suitably impressed. and we had dinner. mom really liked the egyptian salad. i don't know if it's egyptian per se, but we had it there every day for breakfast and dinner because bashir really likes it and i liked it too. one bite of it and the taste and smell of it brings me back to egypt. then we recorded dad telling some stories. i wanted to record the one about the time he hopped the train. it's one of my favourite stories. then i made us banana peanut butter smoothies. then mom helped me repot my peony that rob gave me, and plant the other ones that he gave me another time, and clean up my porch etc. we were out there for quite a while, and dad watched tv. before they left i asked dad for a blessing and he gave me the most beautiful tender one and i cried again and hugged them both and cried some more. then mom couldn't find the keys to the car and we searched the house high and low before finally finding them in her bag. mom told me a story about how God helped her with some small thing recently and i said that he helps us with even the small things and she said he does that so we know he is there for the big things.
i feel really blessed for all the people i have in my life who love me. darshan, my young dr. friend said i can come stay with him in detroit for however long i want. andrea said i can come visit her if i need to, maybe i'll move to morrocco and open a restaurant. it could happen.
i lost my love. he's gone forever and right now i hurt so much i don't even know where it all comes from. the intensity and the deep well of it surprises me. how do i have so much capacity for this much feeling. at what point will my feeling machine overload and break down. when can i go into robot mode. will it ever happen? uhh...so much for non-dramatics.
i was talking to katie about sense and sensibility. i said i never pictured myself as a maryann, but more of an elenor. but to my surprise, i am a maryann. i loved recklessly and with abandon and so much feeling. i threw my vulnerabilities at the feet of love. i put my all into it. and i am totally the kind who would stand in the rain swept hill, frozen and mumbling "willoughby...willoughby...willoughby", staring down at the place he was. it's embarrassing really. i have no pride. i don't care. i'm not above pleading.
you know what goes through my head as soon as i am left behind? i want to rebel. go do all the things i know he doesn't like, and that will worry him. not to hurt him. but to make him come back. it's messed up and passive aggressive, i guess. i haven't done any of the things. but i think about doing it. i feel like bella from twilight, when she does all the dangerous things to feel near to edward who has left her. oh my gosh. i feel like bella. i actually said that.
i've never felt like this before. i didn't realize how powerful love is and how you can't just let it go. i didn't know about it. and so what do you do? he's gone. am i supposed to let go? how do i do that? it doesn't seem possible. i see my life stretched out before me...a long lonely life of loving someone i can't be with. will i be like nora in pete's dragon, singing 'a candle on the water' each night? if so, will a friendly dragon go wake up my egjyptian and bring him home to me? ...
some people need to shut everything out. they need to try and erase all the painful things from their minds and hearts. i can understand that, but i don't want to do that at all. i want to hold on to it. i want to remember it. i want to record it. i want to keep it alive in my heart. because it was so special. it was so beautiful to me. it was so real and it happened. and i can't say it didn't happen. i can't pretend it away. i don't want to. it's mine. i loved so much. and i was loved so much. it happened. maybe the other way is more healthy. i don't know. but it is the one thing i am sure about. i cannot bury it.
so what does everyone think? am i messed up? do you think it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?
mom and dad came over for dinner today. they didn't know what had happened. but dad asked me before he was even inside the door how i was doing. i said not so good. and he hugged me and said he didn't know what i was going through but that he knew i was having struggling and having heart ache. and i started to cry on his shoulder and i told him that bashir was gone. mom and dad were so kind to me. so loving and gentle. they could have said anything. like it wouldn't have worked anyway or something like that, but they were both just sorry i was hurting and they both hugged me and dad said that they loved me and i would always have them. after a while i showed them my treasures that i brought home and they were suitably impressed. and we had dinner. mom really liked the egyptian salad. i don't know if it's egyptian per se, but we had it there every day for breakfast and dinner because bashir really likes it and i liked it too. one bite of it and the taste and smell of it brings me back to egypt. then we recorded dad telling some stories. i wanted to record the one about the time he hopped the train. it's one of my favourite stories. then i made us banana peanut butter smoothies. then mom helped me repot my peony that rob gave me, and plant the other ones that he gave me another time, and clean up my porch etc. we were out there for quite a while, and dad watched tv. before they left i asked dad for a blessing and he gave me the most beautiful tender one and i cried again and hugged them both and cried some more. then mom couldn't find the keys to the car and we searched the house high and low before finally finding them in her bag. mom told me a story about how God helped her with some small thing recently and i said that he helps us with even the small things and she said he does that so we know he is there for the big things.
i feel really blessed for all the people i have in my life who love me. darshan, my young dr. friend said i can come stay with him in detroit for however long i want. andrea said i can come visit her if i need to, maybe i'll move to morrocco and open a restaurant. it could happen.
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