it's been a good day but i feel sad.  i think i just don't know how to do things.

anyways, i spent the morning in the happy business of creating christmas presents.  i really hope they turn out.  i really hope people like them.

in the words of cinderella's step-sister "there was a bee." in short, a very large wasp buzzed into my house from seemingly no where on saturday night, terrorized me and then disappeared somewhere in the vicinity of my completely dead christmas tree.  i didn't see him all sunday.  i imagined him building a nest in juenne fille.  i imagined her laying her eggs there.  i imagined death by wasp.  today i saw him again, by the living room window and i knew i had to act.  i got a hard flat shoe to slap it with, but every time i raised my hand it moved, or flew out or fell down to the window sill.  a cup and paper solution might be better, i thought.  so i got my faithful green cup and i got some paper and i did it.  i cupped the wasp.  i painstakingly and very nervously slid the paper under.  the wasp was not fool enough to go towards the bottom of the cup.  no it was right there at the top. the wasp knew what was what.  then i was stuck--standing there with the cup against the window, thin paper covering it.  this paper is too thin! i realized.  what am i going to do?  how am i going to keep it tight without the wasp getting out?  i folded it down around the cup and tried to hold it tight and made a mad dash for the door, only steps away.  just as i was about to undo the lock with my elbow (yes elbows CAN do that) i felt something on my thumb or finger and looked down to see the wasp on it!  well that is when i lost all reason. i screamed a blood curdling scream, that sadly did not bring the neighbours running, (guess i'm on my own in an emergency) threw the cup up in the air and ran screaming to the bathroom and slammed the door.  i sat on the toilet my heart thudding in my chest and couldn't help but laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation.  when my heart slowed down a bit i snuck out the door peering every which way.  i admitted to sarah later that i did imagine the wasp somehow waiting form me outside the bathroom door.  but it wasn't.  it was actually walking around the door matt where i had dropped it.  maybe i damaged a wing or something.  i don't know.  but i knew i had to do it right then or i would have to get used to rooming with a wasp.  so i walked quickly forward, grabbed a shoe and slammed it down on the poor beast.  i left the shoe on top and sat down on kitchen chair my hands and legs were shaking and wouldn't stop.  oh adrenaline, how you betray me at times.

in the afternoon i had to leave to got more supplies--cat food and 'other things'.  i was in a silly mood.  probably no thanks to sarah who i'd been talking to on the phone previous to leaving the house.  as i drove through the parking lot at ironwood, i repeated a word, i can't remember what it was, in an indian accent and made myself giggle.  then i laughed because i was making myself laugh in the car all by myself.  i felt like smiling at everyone i saw, and i did.  i grinned at no one, even.

weiwd, i know.  i just watched a show where almost every single character acts in a disappointing way.  that makes me sad too.

winter scenes can be so beautiful.  lately i have been noticing them.  the pale cool fields with naked trees and mists lingering over the grasses.  and last night there was the most beautiful full moon, large and luminous hanging in the sky as we drove to the hospital to sing.