to tell you the truth i didn't have totally the kind of day i wanted.  in my mind's eye i saw myself getting so much done--a lot of editing, some organizing and purging at home, and some christmas creative work.  all creative endeavours, and yet the creative juices were not flowing with me today.  i got off to a slower start, lounging in bed surfing the worldwide, but i did get my scripture study in and i did have some convos on the phone.  vacations are supposed to be relaxing too, right?  i got up, had a shower made some delish grill cheeses--asiago bread, bold n spicy dijon, jalapeno cheese and lavendar jelly, fried up in the cast iron fry pan.  that was a bright spot in my day.  i decided to go to the library to work on photos.  frankly i need to get a lot of editing done this week and i thought getting out of the house was the way to do it.

right away nothing felt right.  i wasn't comfy.  the library atmosphere--i didn't dig it.  i had my ipod shuffle to listen to--the music grated and the talks distracted.  the mormon channel fell flat for me.  even classical music, my go to when all else fails, was not working.  i couldn't settle.  listening to nothing wasn't working either.  listening usually enhances my creative work, takes me to a place away.  today i was flat on my face on the ground.  i managed to edit about 4 pics in 4 hours and i was plagued with doubts and an ill feeling most of the time.  my plan was to work 5 hours but i could not make myself any longer and i came home.

home was c-c-c-c-old.  i donned my multiple fleece layers and retreated to the bed, watched a show, had an icy nose, fell asleep. and woke up stuffy and over heated.

i found the blog of a famous photoshop educator, and photographer and began to watch this video he had on his site.  he had a guest photographer on and together they critiqued some submitted photos from other photographers.  the guest was the expert on lighting and the other guy on editing or 'post processing'.  looking at this work and listening to their critiques, which were all very respectful and helpful, made me feel like an infant.  a flea in the world of giants.  there is so much to learn about engaging your subject, drawing out emotion, telling a story, composition, faces, lighting, so much that i am not even conscious of most of the time.  in one way, yes it makes me feel so small, so nothing, so fledgling.  but i also know that i am not any kind of expert and i don't need to hold myself to expert standards.  everyone begins somewhere and there is no shame in standing where you are and working from there. that is how you get somewhere. you reach.  you try new things.  you explore. you get lost in it. you find joy in doing what you are doing.  you need to find ways to be humble about where you are in your skills and at the same time not to hold yourself back because you are so aware of your inadequacies.  i think that is two sides to the same coin--ability to learn and improve.

sometimes seeing how much i have to learn smites me in the heart and kicks me in the shins.  other times it's an exciting journey of new delights.  it depends on the day i guess.  today i definitely had some creative blocks.  tomorrow i'll have to do something differently.  perhaps exercise and journaling can be the one two punch i need.  journaling to dispel the negative self talk and creative ickies, and exercise to punch up the positive--ramp up confidence and a sense of well-being.  actually just the act of exercising is the beginning of creativity sometimes.  your body is engaged and your mind can soar.  early to bed and early to rise "that your bodies and your minds may be invigorated", perhaps.

anyway...in other news i have a little bit of a new crush.  giddy, giddy, middle aged lady! i hope you can appreciate my use of internal alliteration.  yo--preshiate!  as you may or may not know, i seem to only ever crush on people with some distance and mystery.  sometimes it's like that.  g'bye