like a fire in my bones

do we ever really know what is going on inside of someone's heart or mind? i feel like so much of what goes on inside of me goes unknown to anyone but myself and God.  i feel like there are such profound moments in my life that are largely unseen.  i mean, someone may notice that i seem dull and grumpy or that my light seems to have gone out.  but who can tell that i have had such moments of darkness and despair, of hopelessness, confusion, loneliness and self-recrimination?  or i may come across peaceful, and content, cheerful, confident and bright.  but who can know those private moments when i feel like i am burning with the spirit, filled up with gratitude and joy and light? no one knows, and words are so inadequate to plumb the depth of feelings and experiences that i have had.  so much of what is me, is private.  i think that the things that move us, are the things that allow us glimpses into the vaulted skies and deep valleys of the heart and mind of others.  the dance that makes me cry is so vulnerable and raw.  the words that reach my heart are the ones that the speaker has laid bare from their soul.  the athletes that inspire me are those that give so much of themselves that i see their heart on their faces as they strive to achieve.  the stories that i watch again and again are the ones that have exposed some truth--some honest human striving and grace. art is the same.  everything is the same.  maybe when we can see the inner richness of someone's soul we can see ourselves and feel known and maybe we see them through a filter of our own experience but seeing them changes who we are and what we see and how we feel.

i just wish i could always remember to be more compassionate.  to look at someone and understand that just like me, deep waters are under the words they say, the things they do, the way they 'seem' to me.  i wish i could always remember to love first and let love colour the way i see someone and drive how i respond to them.  i want so much to lend a healing hand of understanding to this world.  to be able to soothe and repair and build up.  i know i'm not much, i am muddled with mortality but i want so much to be able to give what i can.  i want to be able to open eyes to truths.  there are so many voices telling lies, and i want to be one that tells the truth.  truths like, you are not nothing--you are a child of God.  you have seeds of divinity inside of you and there is no end to the amazing good you can do.   and that real beauty has very little to do with the shape of your nose, your size, whether your thighs touch, that mole, or any other supposed flaw you have found.  real beauty is you.  you, the real you, is the most beautiful thing you or anyone else can fathom.  and that we are not alone. there is not a single moment, a single heart wrenching minute of despair, or joy, or confusion, or numbed out mindlessness, or quiet searching, or hopeful industry, or any single moment of our lives that is unknown or unseen.  we are known in every moment--your name, your fears, your questions, your hopes, your celebrations, every single bit.  we are seen.  and more than that we are loved.

i feel like sometimes i shut the door on knowing these things.  sometimes i close myself up in a shroud of aloness and i can stay there as long as i like. but as soon as i let in a crack of light, it grows and grows until the knowing and the seeing is a flood that i can't contain.  it spills out all over the place and returns to me again and again.

i feel like i have said most of what was burning inside of me.  i've shed a lot of tears typing this--maybe it's one of the moments i've been able to pluck out a firey coal from my heart fires and share it.  i hope so.  i know God lives.  i know he loves me. every good thing comes from him, including me and you.  i thank him for the abundance of love and grace that he has shed on this world--the depth of which i feel like i'm only beginning to see and understand.