hind sight

i just watched soul surfer again and cried my head off the whole time.  like hard. loud and hard.  then i went outside and the sun felt so good on my skin and the world seemed so good and kind.  things seemed possible.  the way God works in our lives sometimes just seems so impossibly hard and impossibly wonderful at the same time.  i wondered if i was in the middle of some of that impossiblility myself. 

i still don't have a computer but it doesn't bug me much.  the only thing that bugs is that i did a photo shoot of bethany and ben and blonde headed chubbubs when i was in william's like and i really want to work on it.  i especially want to investigate some pics i took of biffy at the very end.  we were on the side of a road and everyone else was waiting for us in the van.  we were done and i said ok, come on let's go, and then i stopped when i saw her scarf and i said, wait. stop and i wrapped it around her head and took a bilion clicks while the wind gently billowed the scarf in and out like breathing.  i'm pretty sure those ones are going to be stunning and i want to see them and work on them!  i could fill up my time and get lost in it.  but it looks like i have to wait.  or find a different way.  maybe it's like the brother of jared and the barges.  the car was my freebie, just like the air for the jaredites.  maybe now i need to find a solution just like the brother of jared brought the Lord the stones to touch. 

or maybe i just need to work and save and work and save until i can get a computer and be patient in the mean time.  who knows.

on tuesday mom and dad, katie, malachi, elizabeth, jane and maria and i had an evening picnic at centenial beach.  it was a gorgeous evening.  malachi peed on my sundress/bathing suit cover-up but i washed it off.  the water was pretty much bath water warm but that didn't stop some complaints from katie and mom.  i guess i'll just never know what that's like.

i still feel like i could cry for a long long time.  i guess i had a lot of pent up emotion.

last night was spa night at work.  we did it like karey and i used to do when we'd have spa night at our house.  different stations and home made spa treatments.  it rocked.  we had a foot bath station with a lemon salt scrub and a member giving awesome foot massages and bath bombs for the water, we had the face massage station, done by moi.  i think i massaged like 11 faces!  it was nice for me actually to give that.  and there was the mask station. we made masks, one was yogurt, honey, cocoa, and coffee grounds, another was milk and lemons.  i did a half and half.  we also had cucumbers for the eyes.  then people could make bath salts and lemon scrubs to bring home with them.    it was a success and fun to do.  i served a honey lime cilantro quesadilla with a 'spa salad' (spinach, grapes, strawberries, roasted almonds, sugar peas and raspberry vinegrette., home made chocolate mousse for dessert.

this morning i turned off my alarm and didn't wake up until lisa called.  then i was in the grumps for a while.  lisa was ticked off with me, which i could tell without her saying.  you just feel that when it happens.  i snapped at kaz when he kept taking my potato wedges out of the oven before they were done and he got snippity back.  but i went for a walk after lunch and that is probably what brought some cheerfullness back into my heart.  then i found a moment to tell lisa that i was sorry for sleeping in and she could say it was ok and it happens sometimes and i could find a friendly moment to explain to kaz why the wedges were not in fact done like he believed and things could get back to the way they should be between friends and colleagues. 

sometimes my first reaction is to do the wrong thing.  or something that does not help or makes things worse.  i hope one day i can do the best thing first, but until that time, i'm glad i have the chance to think about what i've done and try to do things right the second or 100th time. 

on monday i had another moment like that.  i was doing the dishes at lunch.  a person on dishes hates it when a lunch eater drops their dishes off in the bin without scraping their food and sundry in the garbage.  a person on dishes is vigilent in watching that such is done.  so it happened that while i was at the bin collecting dishes to bring to the sink, a woman, we'll call pearl (not her real name) was standing there with her dishes.  she had the look of someone who would leave their garbage on the plate so i said "you're going to put your garbage in the garbage right?"  pearl said she only had one good hand.  i said "you can figure out a way to do it."  and i was going to tell her to just tip it into the garbage with her good hand.  but pearl started sliding the food into the garbage with her bad hand.  i went to the dishpit and then a big comotion ensued in which pearl had a loud melt down.  being the instigator of the melt down, i went over to pearl's table and crouched down in front of her.  i talked with her in a quiet and calm voice.  told her she didn't need to cry and i didn't expect her to have to use her bad hand etc but pearl was wired and ready to blow.  her face was inches from mine and she screamed in my face.  called me names and swore at me.  a lot.  i wasn't helping the situation so i left it to other people and went back to the dishes.  as i worked i thought about how that whole scene had played out.  if i had just taken the time to be kind, things would have been different.  i could have said "pearl, i'll hold the plate for you and you scrape if off with your good hand", for example.  i could have helped her keep her responsibility and been kind and understanding.  instead there was a huge melt down which took several people and some time to contain.  in the end i was summoned to sit with pearl so she could appologize to me for screaming and swearing at me.  she sobbed out her sorry to me and i told her i cared about her and wasn't mad and it all ended amicably.  sometimes i only see what i should have done after i've done something else.  i'm grateful for the chance to make amends.

anyways, i'm going home.  i had vertigo for 4 days but i'm fine now.