gawsh.

i may have passed the point in the day where i have any ability left to say something worth reading.  but nevertheless, read on.

i spent most of the day inside but not, for once, slothfully.  i started a poem. i made a dijon, parm omelette with a side dollop of masala hummus (ooh! heather told me to try the masala hummus--it does not disappoint!  a sweet light delicious taste of curry in your humhum.  try it!) i did the dishes.  i swept the floors.  i put away my laundry--hallelujahpraiseshiphiphooray.  i made baked garlic curry fries and ate them with sour cream and lemon vinegar.  i read some huck finn.  i took instagram selfies. and then it was evening and i was watching  stuff and trying to edit photos and suddenly i could live no longer without ice cream.  i needed batteries and i also needed ice cream.  so i stepped out into the cold windy dark and drove to my neighbourhood mac's and spent my last bucks on ice cream and batteries.  i hope the ice cream i had last night comforts me when i run out of toilet paper.  just sayin, is all.  ran into a guy from work at mac's.  he said i should go there more often so we could have coffee.  if only he knew about the last monies i wasted on ice cream.  he might judge until he discovered it was chocolate peanut butter haagen daas ice cream--then he'd understand.

i was getting nowhere with the photos so i gave up and watched the mary tyler moore show full-time.

i've been thinking a lot about my life and what to do with it.  how to live it.  how cure myself of the rutskis.  how to live more fully.  one thing i thought of when listening to a talk on my paper route, was gratitude.  i need to practice it more and think less about what i don't have and more about what i do have.  when i wear the gratitude glasses the world is so much brighter, more beautiful and full of possibilities and gifts.  sometimes it happens to me that i find myself in a kind of hyper-aware state where every little thing seems so beautiful that i want to cry.  yesterday morning it was sounds.  just the sounds as i moved about the kitchen. the scuffing of my heels on the tile, soft, solid thuds of the cutting board...it can't really be explained.  it's a meditation, i guess.

on friday afternoon i lost my temper at work.  i mean i was mad.  i don't know if i've ever lost my temper like that at work.   i don't  even want to talk about it because it sounds so stupid.  but some people made a mistake and cut down all these wires that rob and i had painstakingly put up a few weeks before.  i had said many times that i needed the wires to be kept up and then i come into the dining room and they were down.  well i kind of lost it.  something similar had happened already so i was primed to be frustrated.  i was off shortly after and as i drove off the anger was ebbing away.  suddenly i felt uncomfortable and foolish.  i mean was it really that big of a deal?  enough to get mad at people for? wasn't it better to just let it go and work on fixing it?  by the time i was parking in front of my house i was repentant and sent off an apology text, which thankfully was received well.  i felt like john mcenroe smashing my racket--silly.

october 2011 i was taking that online photography course and one week it was all about portraits.  i went to evan and esther's house and took some pics of everyone but i only ever edited one or two of them. i always wanted to go back and do some of the ones of evan.  i think you can see why.  i love these pics of my super handsome little brother.  i love his evan expressions.  i love the freckles, the lighting, the texture.

 this one is the one i had already edited back in 2011.

hubba hubba, right?