Sunday, December 02, 2012

musings of a shmuck

sometimes being me is hard.  don't call the waaah-mbulance yet.  sometimes i just get discouraged by the weaknesses in me. to be so, so human is disheartening at times.  i want so much to be better than i am.

on the other hand last week i had 3 days in row that were overwhelming in lack of sleep and amount of work.  on this particular day i had less than 4 hours of sleep, i had been woken at 5:45 to go clean some offices at one of our sites.  we were short staffed and it was also my turn to do the dishes.  because of the days previous my resources to deal with my day and the people in it were low.  like a dry skin of milk residue at the bottom of a jug kind of low. i was in the midst of the heat and the steam and the steady work of the dishes, the stacking, rinsing, loading emptying, stacking, over and over, the rhythm of the work.  i could cry if slightly provoked.  not because i was sad but because i was just so tired.  at this point an older member who works in our snack bar handed me some mugs or something to wash. i took them without words, continuing in my work.  unexpectedly he said "you have a lot of strength.  that's a compliment.  you work hard."

strengths and weaknesses.  it's a kind of balance.  maybe weaknesses are a strength because they can make you a kinder, humbler, person. if i think on my weaknesses it makes it very hard to judge the weaknesses of others.  i'm a schmuck just like everyone else and i can have compassion for their schmuckiness because i know what being a schmuck feels like.  the hardest part is having compassion for myself but that is needed too because without compassion towards my own failings i won't have the strength to try again and fail again and try again and fail again however many times it takes.

also sometimes i look at myself through the weakness magnifying glass and see barely anything else and it's important to know that i am both strong and weak, both beautiful in parts and ugly in parts and that all of it, every pleasant and unpleasant part is worthy of love.  if i look to long and deep at the weakness, it's all i see and i start to lose hope.  it's like peter when he was walking on water.  when he looked at the water and the giant waves he began to fear and then began to sink.  but there is always hope.  and God is always there to hear my call and reach out and give me strength when i lack it.


amyleigh said...

when I look at you, all I see is loveable-ness and a bundle of the best traits ever. I definitely know what you mean about the magnifying glass/weakness effect. I'm glad that member complimented you when you were so tired. you ARE strong and I look up to you.

The Painted Lady said...

thanks for such an uplifting post. I am grateful for your measly schmuckiness because of the great insights it gives you, that you in turn share with us.
NOTHING depletes my reserves like not getting enough sleep.

Sarah-Lynn said...

I feel like sleep easily uncovers my uglies. Loved this post, it's what I've really been thinking about lately!!