black wings and little things

i drove with mom and dad to the ferry.  they were going to visit katie and fam--go to the next generation of sharon's piano recitals.  i was to drive their van home.  they had a box of frozen blueberries for katie.  dad had a black tongue, achieved from sampling their virtues.  mine was merely purple because i only had one handful.  that doesn't make me better--just purple rather then black.  so anyway, mom expressed her wish to me that i help them in with their bags.  i was happy to oblige.  but then after a long and stultifying trip down steveston highway and a smoother trip down highways 99 and 17 we approached the terminal.  we came to the spot where you go left for drop offs or go right for buses and taxis.  dad seemed to hover there.  "go left." i said knowing what he was thinking.  "go left." said mom.  he turned the wheel to the right.  "dad! go left!" not a word, but a steady stubborn veering to the right.  and that's when i became an angry teenager again.  "arg!  WHY didn't you go left! this is for buses and taxis! i'm NOT  going to help you then!" even as i was sputtering it out i felt like a child.  dad pulled around to the proper area going the wrong direction and then turned around.  he said he always went the other way.  he said "is this one of the times when you don't love me?"  "i always love you." i said, the sudden wild storm in my heart, gone. "i just don't love what you do."  i didn't say that part.  ha ha.  i took their luggage in and put it in the luggage area and hugged and kissed them good bye.  how does that happen?  how can i one minute be a 38 year old and the next a 15 year old? i don't know.

i went to the temple last night with my friends heather and shauna.  i really needed it.  i had some special communication with Heavenly Father in the celestial room.  he always talks to me so gently and so lovingly.  his communications are overflowing with love, peace, joy and a confidence in me.  i want to be more like that.

may was a month of european starlings in my back park.  this month is a month of crows.  they visit my porch roof.  archie and i watch their black feet and shadow walk across, picking up things in their beaks and occassionaly peering at us over the edge.  this morning i woke up early to take heather to the airport.  there were three sitting on the fence watching me.  their caw caw caw is the most prevailing sound.

today is the day sarah ran her race.  i hope she is having a wonderful time.

today i feel compelled to do two things.  wash the floor and and go for an exploration walk.  i think i must wash the floor first because i might not feel like it after the walk.  here i am with time to edit to my heart's content and my computer won't let me. part of me thinks this is the help i need to wean myself and to do other things.  if my computer wasn't broken i wouldn't have read who has seen the wind by w.o. mitchell and that was a wonderful book.  but still--i need to get kimme's pictures done.  i want to!  and i know what i'm hiding from when i bury myself in nothingness--at least one of the things--it's loneliness.  loneliness, boredom, unworthiness, fear, overwhelmed-ness--these are the things i hide from.  but really they just need to be looked at, faced, felt and let go.  they don't have to have power over me.  i can shrink them back down to what they are and let all the good feelings flood them out--faith, love, joy, wonder, possibility, creativity, patience, and understanding.  and i only need to be myself not anyone else, however wonderful they may be.  i'm wonderful too.  that's what makes the world so great.  it's full of all different sorts of wonderful.  full to the brim and overflowing.

well that's a bit of my saturday pondering.   i think i'll go warsh the floors.