the way and the life
just back from a walk-run. i've been feeling the urge to do it. i want to take advantage of the light this year, meaning the time of year when there's opportunity to exercise outside. because let's face it the outdoors invigorates me, motivates me and connects me to THE BIG GUY in the sky (no disrespect meant). i think deep thoughts when i'm out too. just saying. well as i was also saying i'd been feeling the urge but i was denying it. putting it off. giving it the cold shoulder. i fell asleep at 9 last night and i was wide awake at 2:45 in the morning. wide awake and it seemed like my mind was more open and clear then it had been in a long, long time. i saw things as they were and as they could be. i saw i needed to change my course and saw too that i could change, that it was just as possible to change as it was to continue the way i was going. i got up and took out my morning pages notebook and wrote. there was a build up of stuff i needed to say to myself that's for sure. i wrote about how i had this hunger and emptiness inside sometimes and i realized that there is so much i want to do that i just don't do. why i stuff my real self with her hopes and dreams under a bushel i'm not totally sure. why i only allow her to exist on less than 100% , i don't know but she finds ways to tell me that she doesn't like it. so i made a list of all the things i want to do and how i want to change. from little to big. from general to specific. there were more than 48 items on my list i believe and i'm sure there is more. all good things. not one thing that my soul is longing to do is bad, destructive or hurtful in any way. funny. so my thing is going to be to do what i want to do. simple and a little weird maybe. but i really need to stop throwing myself under the bus. just like susan powter, i need to stop the insanity. it may be simple but i don't think it's going to be easy. i'm sure i'll have to fight some self sabotaging and hiding. just like those dreams i had when i was hiding in a bathtub in the midst of the most beautiful lush room.
psycho-babble.
i was talking to katie today. she called me. she found a journal that she kept when she was michealah's age and she read to me what she wrote about each person in the family. some of the things were so funny because what she wrote about that person is so true about them now. even though they were so little at the time she wrote it. my favourites were about sarah and evan. and our conversation turned to ourselves. i said i wonder why as such little kids we were so into romance. in my memory, almost every play thing we did and every story we told were all about romances and about some girl that all the boys liked. katie surprised me by saying that i introduced that kind of play. kind of ironic. and we started talking about the things we thought about ourselves. i always firmly believed that i was fat and she always thought she was ugly. it hurts me to think of it. especially her thinking she was ugly. what an ugly lie! to me she's always been so special and unique and beautiful. i always wished i was more like her. she seemed to have all the things i lacked. i really hate that any girl believes first of all that her worth is based on her physical appearance. it is so easy in this world to have false beliefs about your body. bad feelings and insecurities are so easy to focus on our bodies and the way we look. part of what i want to do as a counsellor is to fight those kinds of lies. there is so much power for good in womanhood. so much beauty and light.
so back to my walk-run. i wore my yoga capris and a v-neck t-shirt. i brought my ipod shuffle. as soon as i stepped outside of the house i was like woah, it's cold. the skies were heavy and dull angry grey. there was an icy wind. what is with this february weather in the awesome month of april (happy birthday amy and bethany!!!) anways? i started to regret my clothing choices. oh you'll warm up i told myself. and i did. but it took a while. i passed a lady standing in front of the old folks home on blundell and one. i had my ipod blaring but i smiled at her. she had kind eyes. something about them reminded me of gram. it wasn't really what they looked like but more what was in them. i read her lips "aren't you cold?" she asked me. "yes i am!" i said and i laughed. my hands were especially were icy and i pumped them as i walked like i was at the blood donor clinic. when it was time to run it felt so good. it felt good to pump my legs and arms and give it my all. i gave it my all for 30 secs and then walked for 4.5 minutes and then repeated 7 times. and soon i stopped noticing the weather. soon my mind was deep in thoughts and musings. my ipod is full of music and talks from old computer. i can't add anything new to it without erasing the whole thing and i'm not ready to lose what i have on it. my favourite general conference talks on there--i've heard so many times. they don't always sink in because i almost have them memorized. but sometimes, when i need it--i hear what i need. exactly what i need. that happened to me today. talk after talk i found the wisdom i need for right now. i sure love that. i especially appreciated the talk by elder corbridge called the way. this is a part that i particularly liked:
psycho-babble.
i was talking to katie today. she called me. she found a journal that she kept when she was michealah's age and she read to me what she wrote about each person in the family. some of the things were so funny because what she wrote about that person is so true about them now. even though they were so little at the time she wrote it. my favourites were about sarah and evan. and our conversation turned to ourselves. i said i wonder why as such little kids we were so into romance. in my memory, almost every play thing we did and every story we told were all about romances and about some girl that all the boys liked. katie surprised me by saying that i introduced that kind of play. kind of ironic. and we started talking about the things we thought about ourselves. i always firmly believed that i was fat and she always thought she was ugly. it hurts me to think of it. especially her thinking she was ugly. what an ugly lie! to me she's always been so special and unique and beautiful. i always wished i was more like her. she seemed to have all the things i lacked. i really hate that any girl believes first of all that her worth is based on her physical appearance. it is so easy in this world to have false beliefs about your body. bad feelings and insecurities are so easy to focus on our bodies and the way we look. part of what i want to do as a counsellor is to fight those kinds of lies. there is so much power for good in womanhood. so much beauty and light.
so back to my walk-run. i wore my yoga capris and a v-neck t-shirt. i brought my ipod shuffle. as soon as i stepped outside of the house i was like woah, it's cold. the skies were heavy and dull angry grey. there was an icy wind. what is with this february weather in the awesome month of april (happy birthday amy and bethany!!!) anways? i started to regret my clothing choices. oh you'll warm up i told myself. and i did. but it took a while. i passed a lady standing in front of the old folks home on blundell and one. i had my ipod blaring but i smiled at her. she had kind eyes. something about them reminded me of gram. it wasn't really what they looked like but more what was in them. i read her lips "aren't you cold?" she asked me. "yes i am!" i said and i laughed. my hands were especially were icy and i pumped them as i walked like i was at the blood donor clinic. when it was time to run it felt so good. it felt good to pump my legs and arms and give it my all. i gave it my all for 30 secs and then walked for 4.5 minutes and then repeated 7 times. and soon i stopped noticing the weather. soon my mind was deep in thoughts and musings. my ipod is full of music and talks from old computer. i can't add anything new to it without erasing the whole thing and i'm not ready to lose what i have on it. my favourite general conference talks on there--i've heard so many times. they don't always sink in because i almost have them memorized. but sometimes, when i need it--i hear what i need. exactly what i need. that happened to me today. talk after talk i found the wisdom i need for right now. i sure love that. i especially appreciated the talk by elder corbridge called the way. this is a part that i particularly liked:
He said, “Whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life.” 3He said, “I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst.” 4He said, “I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.” 5He said, “I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live:
“And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die.”
just when i was thinking about my hungers and thirsts, darkness and dearth in my life right now. guess i know
what i need to do. i guess that's why i entitled my morning pages this morning 'repentence'. time to turn back
to god and to change for the better.
Comments
Kyle's right, this is an inspiring post. There are a lot of things I can relate to. I love re-listening to conference talks. They never cease to uplift me. I need to do what you do and listen to them more often. I don't have a lot of alone time to sit and ponder, or go somewhere by myself, but when I do, I should make it more of a priority.
also... i am kind of at the same place with needing to do the things i want. there are so many things that i let go of and resigned to thinking they would never happen for me... and now i am trying to get out of that rut and just go out and GET the things i want for myself.
i'm also rooting for you!