vertigo

last night i suddenly felt weird and unbalanced when getting up from the couch.  then as i was going to bed the room spun.  i had a pain just above my left ear.  today i've had intermittent sharp pains in said left ear.  after lunch i was sitting on a wooden stool, yellow-handled henckel chef knife in hand, cubing inside round steaks for tomorrow's beef stew. kaz was across from me busily engaged in the task at hand.  we were chatting as we trimmed the fat off of the maroon flesh, slicing each steak into strips and then methodically cutting across each bundle of strips.  it's a task we'd done countless times.  in the middle of saying something to kaz i suddenly felt like i was toppling sideways off of the stool.  i gasped mid sentence and grabbed hold of the counter.  i don't know if my knife clattered--but it could have.  kaz looked at me like i was a crazy person. just between me and you, it's not the first time he's given me such a look.  i'm sure it won't be the last.

so vertigo--i have it.  or rather, i've had 3 instances of it.  intriguing, as brother murley was wont to say, in which case i was wont to keep a tally of such utterances on the top of my institute notebook along with different phonetic transcriptions and silly notes to leif.  edith once said i talked about leif at least one time every day.  well edith is known to exaggerate.  i can go months without talking about him.  but i still do miss him sometimes.  and that time.  those golden yoob years.  at least they seem golden to me from the perspective of now.   anyway there was a time i used to talk non-stop about him because i loved him--ask fatima.  she was always urging me to tell him, a notion i flat out rejected as ridiculous.  i knew he wouldn't or couldn't love me somehow.  but it didn't matter--he broke my heart anyways.  now that i've lost my youth to my job, had a drawn out 'now i love you--now i don't' relationship (i'm a sucker  for intermittent reinforcement) i know one thing for sure.  i'm looking for a real true kind of love.  a kind of love that says wholly, unashamedly, no holding back and consistently--i love you, i'm into you, you rock my world, you make my skirt fly up (not that he'd have a skirt...i hope. well a kilt would be ok i guess.).  that's a sign to me.  reciprocal all out digging of one another.  i say dig and be dug.

how did i even start talking about this?  vertigo is all about the heart not a dysfunction of the vestibular system.  phhhh.  whatever trevor.

i haven't vacuumed in forever but i hope you can still think of me fondly.

i made ponderosa cake (read the best banana bread with chocolate chips known to man) for brother roeder as a thanks for so willingly, selflessly feeding my kit-cats for me but he wasn't at church on sunday so i ate it.  i ate it all.  i'd really appreciate it if you didn't judge me in this instance.

it's time to do a new 3 month calendar and i'd like to unveil the photos i've chosen to feature in this marchaprilmay calendar.