hard time

the other night i broke into my own home.  it was unsettlingly easy.  one of my many problems is that i'm an automatic locker.  it's gotten me into trouble many a time.  i lock on auto pilot.  so i was taking some garbage out and i did what i've been careful not to do up to this point.  i locked myself out of my own house.  luckily i had left one of the windows partially opened and in no time i had the screen off.  i climbed up on my decrepit old camping chair, stuck my hand through the window and raised the blinds.  the kitties both stared at me with startled wild eyes.  something was wrong with this picture.  they both ran out of the room when i knocked over the laundry rack which has been living under that window.  somehow i found myself sitting in the window, straddling it.  i kicked off my yellow croc and immediately regretted it because to get down i had to stand on the heater. luckily i'm thick skinned.  luckily i did not crush the heater.  luckily i was back in before you could say bob's your uncle.  what i learned: lock your window.  and i do.

i've been having a hard time.  i feel like i have a choice--curl up and die in nothingness or spread my wings and learn how to fly.  i wonder if i'll ever not struggle with the nothing.  maybe it's my thorn in the flesh.  the nothing bugs.