date with myself

my computer screen is dizGUSTingly dirty.  makes me a little ashamed but just a little.   i don't notice it until i take it out into the world of natural light.  then where once i was blind, now i see and HOW.

i'm on a date with myself and i'm riding a euphoric wave.  it all started late last night when i had an epiphany.  it was an epiphany that was a long time coming.  talk about being blind.  i've been unhappy with the way i live my every day.  my heart's been longing for change, to be set free.  this may sound familiar but i'm a woman and women are cyclical and although i'm not in synch with THE cycle of life, i'm still cyclical in some ways i guess.  i guess i have to keep living this out until i get it and get it real good.  honestly there is so much more to learn in this life and so much room for improvement.

anyways one of the things i was doing is filling the void of my life with tv shows.  sometimes i'd get kind of a desperate feeling  when one of my that day shows wasn't on.  it bugged me too because i went something like 3 years without the tv bondage.  but i didn't want to DO anything else.  but i wouldn't want to go to bed because i felt so unfulfilled and to fill this feeling i watched more stuff on tv and i started throwing away some of my tv standards just to watch something (sounds like an addict doesn't it?) and i started staying up really late at night which is just the start of the thread that unravels my next day.  so i sleep in, rush in the morning, say a quick prayer on the way to work, no scripture study, get home after work, exhausted , fall asleep, wake up and watch shows until late in the night.  but i wanted to do blog posts, or sew something or work on photos or go on a walk, but bonded myself down to inertness.  tres terrible nes pas?  well my self was getting more and more unhappy about the whole situation and i did try to fight it in different ways but none of the ways totally stuck.

last night i spent the evening unhappy on my bed watching shows and playing popit with a vacant soul.  then before i went to bed my self said enough is enough.  give me something uplifting.  so i looked up talks on byu broadcasting.  they were featuring a talk--a devotional by elder Bednar.  i had a little tremor of fear.  i'll tell you a secret.  sometimes i'm a little afraid of elder bednar's talks.  it's silly.  i think he can see down to the impurities of my soul.  he doesn't know me personally but maybe he does see my heart but not in the cold way that i fear.  no in a far better way.  in a way that heals and sends help.  for the millionth time in my life i am so so so thankful for prophets on the earth today and the wisdom and light and warning i glean from them exactly when i need it.  i can't fathom the perfectness of that gift for me.  anyway it was a good talk.  such a good talk and so profound and filled me up with understanding something that i hadn't seen before in a way that i hadn't seen it.  showed me exactly what kind of war i was fighting in such an amazing way.  well this won't make much sense but suffice it to say a window opened and let in the light and suddenly i saw.  and in understanding i was filled with power to change.  the power my heart had been longing for as i stewed in emptiness these past months.

so i'm extending this fast.  i'm having an idleness fast.  it doesn't mean i have to be the road runner in all i do.  i can have restful times but no time that is full of waste and wasting away.  i'm fasting that.  i hope to purge it.  it's one of my stumbling blocks and i need to see it and face it.

so i decided to go to yoga today.  i think it's been a couple of years since i've been.  i forgot how goooood it feels.  i mean it feels darn good.  delicious to my body.  it's given me the euphoric wave.  i should do yoga every day.  it's something about the looseness.  love it.  one of my favourite things to do in yoga besides, obviously shavasana, is the combo moves.  i like those.  and our teacher, a sub named doug, said "i'm feeling happy today so i want to do the breaths of joy" or some such thing.  those do make you feel happy.  i liked how doug was such a happy instructor.  still totally into it but not so serious as some teachers have been.

after yoga i drove home with a song in my heart and my window down.  before i even had turned into the driveway i saw izzy's with her schizo gaze, head pushing the blinds to one side, eyes intensely jittering from side to side, mouth uttering silent short command meows.  she keeps the look out every day and archie is first at the door. i cooed my hellos to them, fed them and walked straight back out the door.  i had my laptop in my backpack in the car.  i drove to steveston, to blendz, where i am now, for my date with myself.  i hope to have a lot more self dates.

now i'm sitting here at a round stone mosiac table with my cup and saucer and little pale yellow-green tea pot, with the last of my lemon ginger tea and a chicken cheddar chipotle panini traveling through my digestive system.  it's been a great date so far.