alto and inner dialogues.

sometimes i catch myself  giving negative feedback to myself.  i don't even realize that i'm doing it.  this time i was editing tofino pics.  "you don't even remember to..."  "you can't even..."  "this just shows how amateur you are"  "this is just a snap shot--not a photo"  "artistry?  ha!" "you haven't done anything remotely good since..."  "you're losing whatever you had..."  oh that sneaky critic.  i'm tempted to say, shut it critic.  but instead i'm going to smile and give her a hug.  it's a journey critic.  it's ok to be whatever you are.  you think if you criticize yourself you'll be able to handle outside criticism better.  you're just trying to protect yourself.  it's ok critic i know it takes some courage to put yourself out there without putting yourself down.  and i hear you, i understand you and i'm telling you we're strong enough to put ourselves out there and we don't have to apologize for anything.  we are what we are.  just saying.

i slept in this morning.  i knew it was daylight savings.  it's just that i went to bed at 4am.  and didn't wake up until the time that i actually leave for church.  "ok.  how are you going to handle this?" i asked myself.  "you could just stay home.  you won't make it for the sacrament anyways."  "but then i will feel so yucky.." i objected. "besides i'm conducting in primary and i can't just leave them hanging without any warning." "ok well you can have a shower and just show up for primary." i bargained.  "ok or i won't shower or shave my legs (penance) and i'll get there as fast as i can."  "fine."  and so it was that with a halo of fuzz and stubbly legs i was sitting in the lobby of shame with the large contingent of people who forgot about daylight savings.  i caught the end of a  talk about keeping the sabbath holy but the next talk the woman was speaking so quietly  that i couldn't make out what she was saying.  besides by that time the crowd was growing in the lobby and so was the noise level.  i picked up a children's illustrated scripture story book and began to flip through it.  it was about nephi.  then tammy came in with her whole family thinking she as ten minutes early.  david had just told her that he had a talk in primary.  isabella or annabella, (i have to learn which is which!) came up to me and i told them the rest of the story in the book i was looking at.

i forgot all about my stubbly legs in primary.  we're learning one of the songs from the temple youth  celebration called i am walking.  it's really beautiful and the kids love singing it.  the theme in primary this year is "i know the scriptures are true".  we have a new scripture every month and encourage the kids to memorize it.  when they do they get to add something to  the bare tree in the back of the room.  each month it's something different.  this month it's shamrocks and last month it was hearts if you get me.  also we have a reading worm on the wall.  if you've read x number of times during the week, we add a segment to the worm with your name on it.  we're cool like that.  today tammy and i were standing in the back whispering about the senior primary who seem to have lost some steam with their reading.  so we're going to give out gummy worms when we reach the side wall.  nothing like gummy worms to get your mojo going.

we're singing on this day of joy and gladness in choir which is a great hymn.  i just can't sing it.  well i can't sing the soprano.  i think i did some sort of damage to my cords--singing when i was sick and forcing it and so on. i've lost some of my high notes which were not plentiful to begin with.  during a particular frustrating practice when i was doing more straining than singing, i got up and moved to the alto side.  when i told sarah she felt it was a victory for andrea and her non-soprano campaign.  not that i've ever been as good as a soprano as sarah.  she has such a pretty high sweet pure voice.  but i've always wanted to conquer alto so while i'm giving my voice a healing break, it's a chance to do it.  and it is a challenge for me for sure.  reading the notes and learning the part isn't hard.  it's finding my place amidst the booming of the men and the pied piperness of the soprano.  it's hearing our subtle spot and willing my voice to go there.  sometimes i get lost in all the sound especially if the alto beside me is super quiet.  right now it takes almost all my concentration.  i don't spend much time on diction or shaping my notes or even breathing.  all those things were luxuries of a soprano singer.  to tell you the truth i think they are more noticeable, or the lack of them are in the soprano section.  last week i was desperately lost even though i had practiced over and over at home.  this week evelyn helped me go over my part before everyone got there.  and this week tammy was there.  she made it so easy to find my part.  i didn't realize it was her until after she left and me and melissa kept getting lost at the same spot (the jump up in the chorus).  anyways today was better and it felt good that i was actually getting it.  

hey evan--i'm not tone deaf!

after church sarah and i chatted on skype.  sunday is boring for both of us.  i took the laptop with me into the kitchen and made pancakes from my treasured 'big book of breakfast' that bethany gave me one year for christmas.  i haven't even nicked the surface with that book.  anyways today i tried sour cream pancakes.  hello!!  so soft and light and tender.  tender like my heart for these pancakes.  at times sarah viewed me from the stove top and at times she got a good view of my gams and butt from the floor.  at times i had to give sloan a bite of my pancake via webcam.  sloan has the cutest gravely voice.  sarah saw my pile of dishes that have been growing for two weeks.  this can happen because a. i have a lot of dishes and pots and pans and b. i don't cook much at home.

brother roeder came to home teach me next and i snapped sarah shut and abandoned her like the turn coat i am.  brother roeder loves cats.  he lets archie get him all hairy and doesn't mind.  'oh i have a thing at home to get rid of cat hair.' he says.  they had to give their cats to one of their kids because of his wife's asthma or something like that.  he's the one who comes to feed them lately when i've been away.  tack o lov, as they say in sweden-land.

well it's 2am hahahaha.  i'm not even tired.  napped for 4 hours.  tried really hard not to but i was just so tired!  i've got a real napping problem and i know it.  i'm leaving you with a mindy gledhill song i discovered today.  (thanks sarah for tellling me about 'group' shark!)