not good enough

my reject letter came today. i wasn't prepared for it. i was thinking the end of march, so i wasn't totally steeled for it. i'm feeling a little sad. have a teensy lump in my throat. i mean i was almost sure i wouldn't get in, but still it would have been fantastic if i did. they had more than five spots too. they had 16 but none of them were for me. sad face.

i'm doing my best not to be discouraged although i want to wallow just a tiny bit. to say i'm disappointed, feel the feeling and let it go. to say i'm struggling not to have discouraging thoughts like "maybe i won't ever get in anywhere" and "what will i do if i can't do this?". i know being discouraged doesn't help anything. but no matter how positive you try to be, rejection raises doubts.

i choose to have faith about it though. if it's meant to be, i'll keep trying. i'll take different routes. i'll apply different places and i won't be afraid of the hard work. if someone showed me a lot of sympathy right now, i might squeeze out a tear or two. it's easier to be tough when alone.

ok i'm done talking about that. lisa's away all week so i'm in charge. not really a big deal because we all work as a good team anyways. i really appreciate the team work ethic in my unit. it's nice to work with people who just fill in the empty spots, if you know what i mean.

this morning i got to work and did our two grocery shopping lists. we do a big two car shop at superstore, as i may have mentioned before, and another shop at save-on and we rotate who goes. today was my turn to go to save-on and it was a doozy. i can honestly say i've never seen carts piled as high as i get mine piled on some save-on shops. and i pile efficiently too. 40 kaisers take up a lot of room and we had some other items that took up a lot of space. i swear the absent minded, reluctant bagging girl dislikes me greatly. she never returns my smile but looks miserably at my huge pile of groceries.

it was a beautiful crisp cold day today. i felt the sharp wind cut through my clothes and make me shiver as i carried in the groceries.

we had sloppy joes for lunch. sean and i discussed the origin of the name sloppy joes as we ate at table #9. sean thought maybe it was a sandwich just called a joe but someone was eating and said "hey this sure is sloppy" and that's how it got its name. and i offered an alternative. "or what if it was just a sandwich called a sloppy meat sandwich but this guy named joe made it popular so it took on his name?" in the end sean wikipedia-ed it and it turns out it was a sandwich served at the bar "sloppy joe's" mystery solved.

at 1 i took a small jaunt out to pick up a housing client and take him to get his dry cleaning. it's our monthly activity together. i don't mind because it's quick and not too far. lisa hates that he so consistently gets dry cleaning done and gets me to take him. she thinks it's pretentious. really, i think he doesn't like washing his own clothes.

there was some loud wailing going on at the clubhouse this afternoon. all in a day's work. then tajana walked in on a member going poo. it's a great way to end your day. it's bad enough to know you're walking in on someone, worse to know they're going poo. worse that they don't flush when they come out.

after work i came home, fed the kitties, changed, read a few emails, grabbed my camera and went for a walk on the dike. it's been a while since i've visited the dike. it makes me miss heather and elicia. every time i walk by the big tree i think of that magical day we saw the american bittern. every time i see the reeds glowing in the low sun and hear the red winged black bird's chirping and trilling i think of heather and i sitting on that bench watching the sun go down on sunday afternoons. today the dike was beautiful as usual. at first i got worried and mad that they had cut down the big old tree but i was jumping the gun a little. it was still there. i walked and took a few clicks and then detoured into the terra nova slough project, climbed a big rough wild hill and scared a huge bird down below as i came over the crest of the hill. it up and flew away low over the field. i didn't get to see it exactly so i don't know if it was an immature eagle or an owl or whatnot. my birding sense tells me owl. so that was cool. it's been quite a while since i've done any birding. i climbed down the hill on the rough sod clump ground almost turning my delicate ankles a number of times but succeeding in making it down safely. i also succeeding in dousing my runner in swampy water. all in a day's work. then i walked around the slough and lay down on my stomach on the board walk and took a few clicks. a man and his dog walked by as i lay there. i paid them no mind and they reciprocated. i'm sure the man was thinking "mid thirties today! in my day a mid-thirties spinster acted like a lady!" but he said naught.

i wandered into another field and as i was clicking the yellow green newbie leaves of a weeping willow i looked up to see a man coming up behind me. suddenly i got a feeling like "i'm all alone in the wilderness" and continued on my way briskly. he was a harmless man though.

i stopped at save-on and bought some groceries. on saturday at claudine's birthday dinner, we were talking about her famous sandwich. the long and the short of it is--i'm going to make it.

i'm enjoying my hair right now. it looks the best that it has all day and only edith and the cats and myself to enjoy it. it's finally starting to show it's length a little but.

let's end here shall we?