expose

well on the way home from work tonight i was thinking all about what i would write in this expose blog. my head was full of thoughts. so full that i was worried i wouldn't be able to get it all down because we all know how easily i am distracted by my own thoughts and often leave off one thought to start another which starts another. we all know this and if 'we' don't, i'm telling 'us' now that this is the way it often is. but now that it comes down to actually typing out the expose i'm feeling a little shy. reticent. (you know i just looked up the spelling for reticent because i was sure it was reticient, but it's not. it's reticent. besides misspelling the word i was also thinking it in the wrong pronunciation all these years. i was thinking reh-TIS-ee-ent and that's wrong. it's so wrong. it's reh-TIH-sent. plain ol' reh-TIH-sent.)

see that was more than being reticent. that was a stall. all i've been doing so far is writing about nothing, and frankly it's a gift and a curse. it's just that this expose seems too overwhelming a thing to broach. too big to explain. i'll just have to do my best.

you see i've been wanting to do an expose for a while. just tell the truth! put it out there! but now i'm just being too ridiculous in the build up and making a big deal about nothing. it's what i do. it's what i live for! to help poor mer-folk like yourself... jeeze. this is ridiculous fo sho. i'm getting deeper and deeper into talking about what i'm going to talk about! no wonder people drop off into outer space while talking to me.

so as i was saying i've wanted to do an expose--on myself, for quite a while now but i kept putting it off and squashing the urge. but enough. i'll begin. i may not finish but it doesnt' matter. i'll begin.

today i did the late shift at work. i got to do movie night. i love getting movie night. it's such a thrill and the best thing about doing movie night was that there was actually a movie on that i wanted to see. julie and julia. i watched it and i loved it. i love-loved it. it inspired me. for one, meryl streep is amazing, but everyone knows that. i loved julia and paul's story how devoted they were to each other and how they loved each other so much. i mean she was tall and not super slender and had this crazy voice and to him she was splendid and he wasn't a bit bashful about showing it. i loved that. and i loved that the people in the movie were engaged in doing hard things--things that meant something to them. things that they put their whole selves into. things that made them interesting vibrant people.

and it inspired me. so i feel dissatisfied with this blog right now. not just the blog--my life in general. i feel like i'm not telling the truth about me and not just in the blog but to myself as well. one of the truths and it's not pretty, is i don't like to face things sometimes. i know. shocking. ok, ok, i know i may not be unique in this, but i can't help that.

so to help myself face things i'm doing a self-expose. it's going to be long and it may be rambling (you can bet on it) and it may bore you, but i imagine you reading along being beside me on my expose journey, so if you were less than supportive during this bit of egocentrical writing, just don't let on and we'll both be happy.

1. i've been sleeping on the couch since july 28th and i can't blame it on marital angst. someone didn't kick me out of bed, but something did. i think. you see my dermatologist said my biopsy was consistant with bug bites which was his diagnosis all the time. i hated him for it. i don't know what i wanted--did i want some sort of terrible disease? no, but not bugs! it was easy not to like my derm because he didn't seem to like me much, didn't listen to me, ignored me, made we wear a tiny paper gown that i bulged out of awkwardly trying to cover up with my limbs where the paper lacked, and he didn't let me get dressed before talking to me and i had to sit there and try to act normal talking to a cold stranger bulging out of a tiny paper dress!, and other like atrocities. but after thinking about it for a while i began to think he was right. how could i keep denying bugs were to blame for my weekly flare-ups that were beginning to get even more frequent? well derm-the-cruel kept insisting that i was going somewhere on weekends where i was being bitten but the truth was, that i slept at home every weekend. then we had the family reunion. and although i got the pus-bites i didn't get THE bites until i got home and slept in my bed and the next morning to make me doubly uncomfortable i had fresh flare ups.

well that was it for me. i couldn't stand the thought of bugs crawling on me and biting me and not knowing it and maybe my whole house was infested. and my biggest fear was bed bugs. i slept on the couch from then on. i examined my bed, flipped it over, found a huge winged beetle dead but attached, and screamed, found a tiny bug in the edging of my mattress that i couldn't tell if it was a dead bed bug or not. i covered my bed in plastic, bagged up all my pillows and blankets. i rarely went into my room. then one sunday i did something dumb. i was looking for something in a tote and i brought it from my room to the living room and then back. that night i had a fitful sleep on the couch and woke up at 4 and could not go back to sleep. all i could think about was bugs. i got up and sure enough i had a bite on my foot. i took apart the couch and found some sort of bug. i'm not sure what it was because i kind of freaked out and called the cats and izzy killed it and ate it whatever it was.

that's when the real phobia set in. i was just so uneasy and unsettled and had no peace. none at all. i was preparing to go visit karey and i feared taking some bug infestation to her house in calgary. it was a bad couple of days. i took all my clothes that i was wearing and some blankets to the laundry mat and washed them all on hot and dried them for the specified amount of time on high and bagged them in huge ziplock bags. randy, my friend and home teacher met me there and i told him what i was going through and he came home with me and gave me a blessing. which made me feel a lot better and gave me some peace but when that night came i could not turn the light off and though i tried to sleep with it on, and though i was exhausted my eyes wouldn't stay shut. i ended up taking my blanket and sleeping in the car.

so the weird thing is that edith has not had any bites. and she said she's spent a lot of time on the couch. when i came back from karey's i made a wary peace with the couch. i only sleep with a sheet but i try to keep my toes and arms tucked in because of reading the phrase "bare flesh" in connection where bed bugs like to bite. sometimes i wake up so hot and sweaty though. i long for the freedom and abandon of throwing my limbs out of the covers.

i'm uber sensitive to every itch located anywhere on my body. edith doesn't think we're infested. but there's no good explanation. someone suggested to me that i'm having an allergic reaction to mosquito bites. said that that's happened to them before. i'd really like to believe that but somehow can't fully. if so, i could just douse myself in bug spray and never worry again. sleep in my bed again! oh. dave's gone. the suspicion of bugs did him in. there would be no way that i could ever sleep with him again.

since this all began i've slept in the car twice and on the couch most nights. i do wake up more in the night sleeping on the couch. and the material on the couch is wearing out. i want to get rid of all our furniture. i keep all my clothes in bags. whenever i do make trips into my room, they are short and i have to wear shoes. there's something not right about all of this. and i've kept it largely to myself. well i'm tired of the burden. i need to get over it but i don't know how. sometimes i think i can and other times i don't want to face it. i do something else instead. well that's that. now you know the truth about that.

2. i've gained weight. i doubt this is a surprise to anyone who's seen me, but it's a truth i don't want to face and i need to. it bothers me. and i want to change but do i want to change enough? i don't know because i am so uninspired on the exercise front and my eating habits are not exemplary. if i met someone fabulous right now i'd probably shun him because i don't feel super hubba hubba right now and i know full well you need to feel good about yourself to look really beautiful. so i need to change. and then i get all these doubtful thoughts about change. do people really change? are they ever successful at changing? i have to hope so. and then i think it's kind of selfish and ego centric to be thinking so much about one's self. and then i think the chances of meeting someone fabulous are next to nil at this point in my life when just the fact that some poor shmuck is single makes him set-up material. and then i remember that a promise is a promise. and i may not be a lot of things, least of which is thin and smokin hot :) but that doesn't mean that someday i won't find someone splendid who really thinks i'm splendid and until that fateful day whenever that is, life goes on. and as lisa said, "it's not a dress rehearsal." i need to be engaged in my life's work. i need to figure out what that is.

well that's enough exhibitionism for one night. it's time for bed and i'm going to brush my teeth. i want everyone to think that i, like every normal person brush my teeth every night but some nights i barely undress. i don't brush, OR wash my face. i want you all to think i'm normal and super awesome at dental hygiene but the truth is i rarely floss. i want to be a flosser. i want to be a person who is uber good about their teeth and gums but i'm a person who just barely gets by. mouth wash--forget it! well this last confession may have gone too far. i hope you all still love me in the morning. :)

ps. last confession--i can't stop doing this! today i made a very good sandwich for dinner. maple turkey from the deli on croissants with havarti cheese. and on the way to work i thought about what makes a sandwich good--condiments. the little extras. so i made a pesto mayo and i put out cranberries for people to spread on their sandwich. it was soo good! and the truth is i was proud about it. the truth is i was glad to be better than other people at making a croissant sandwich. i actually thought about how much better i am than others at the wednesday dinners because i put more effort into it. what is my problem?!