change

i want it. the frustration of stagnation is bubbling up from where i've kept it repressed. it's knocking at the dam and the timbers are splintering. a flood is coming. i hope the flood is coming. i hope i manage to break down the walls before the repair crew gets there. i think i'm nearing that point where i'm ready to start living a more authentic version of my life. does anyone understand the shackles of who you have become as opposed to who you want to be? it's so irritating! i'm not even completely sure of who it is presisely i'm supposed to be or how i'm going to become her, but i'm sick and tired of not trying. if i fail, oh well. if it's scary, too bad. if i don't know the way, i'm going to look for it. if i look dumb, it couldn't be dumber than a wasted life. a wasted life is one of my biggest fears. and i may have to have this epiphany over and over and over.

i think faith is hard to use sometimes. combatting fear with faith and trusting that steps over cliffs and in dark corridors will be caught and illuminated. there is no way to get to the destination withought fighting the hard fight to get there. watching the fight on tv doesn't count and doesn't get you anywhere.

these are the thoughts i've been thinking lately. stewing over, writing about, praying about, dreaming of. big words, i know. somewhere inside of me i think i see a slug or two squirming. i hope to kill the big toad that's sucking the life out of the fig tree.

i know things don't change all at once. i know change may be hard to see sometimes too, but all i'm saying is that i want it. i'm ready for it. i want to be me, more truly me. i'm going to try it.

this may make sense to no one but myself but that's ok.