deep wide ruts
i've been feeling kind of down lately. stuck in a rut--no motivation to do anything. i don't know what's wrong with me. getting myself to do something like the dishes or put away laundry is like running underwater. i want to do it. i want it to be done. i know i'll feel better once it's done. i just don't want to move. inside i'm impatient. outside i'm a slug. inside i'm suffocating and stagnating. i'm scared. scared of not living and scared of living. meanwhile time flies by. weeks flash by. i don't know if i accomplish anything.
since i'm confessing, i may as well admit that i stayed in my pjs until 7ishpm today. not that this will surprise anyone, but i thought i may as well get it out on the table. i got up at 8 and fed the pigletts. then i studied 'Jesus Christ--Light of the World'. elicia's on the island this weekend but her sister elena is here and we sat around and talked. she made the mistake of asking me something about where i grew up or something, and ended up getting a large chunk of my life story. when she went to have a shower, i went back to bed and watched empire of the sun on elicia's lap top. it was good and sure enough i did cry in the end.
i fed the cats again and played on the computer a bit, then i did the huge mountain of dishes that we had left over from last saturday's party. then i thought i'd put my laundry away but instead i did crossword puzzles and fell asleep.
when i finally did get dressed it was because i left the house to go through the mcdonald's drive thru. when i got home i fed the cats again and ate my food in bed watching on golden pond with henry and jane fonda and katherine hepburn. i've been wanting to watch it for a long time. and i was right to want to too. i folded my laundry while i watched. and that is the sum total of my miserable existance today.
i was thinking when i was coming up the stairs with my fast food fare how easier it is to be depressed when you live alone.
:) that's a good note to end on.
since i'm confessing, i may as well admit that i stayed in my pjs until 7ishpm today. not that this will surprise anyone, but i thought i may as well get it out on the table. i got up at 8 and fed the pigletts. then i studied 'Jesus Christ--Light of the World'. elicia's on the island this weekend but her sister elena is here and we sat around and talked. she made the mistake of asking me something about where i grew up or something, and ended up getting a large chunk of my life story. when she went to have a shower, i went back to bed and watched empire of the sun on elicia's lap top. it was good and sure enough i did cry in the end.
i fed the cats again and played on the computer a bit, then i did the huge mountain of dishes that we had left over from last saturday's party. then i thought i'd put my laundry away but instead i did crossword puzzles and fell asleep.
when i finally did get dressed it was because i left the house to go through the mcdonald's drive thru. when i got home i fed the cats again and ate my food in bed watching on golden pond with henry and jane fonda and katherine hepburn. i've been wanting to watch it for a long time. and i was right to want to too. i folded my laundry while i watched. and that is the sum total of my miserable existance today.
i was thinking when i was coming up the stairs with my fast food fare how easier it is to be depressed when you live alone.
:) that's a good note to end on.
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