i've been spending a lot of time slurping my old diaryland blog into book format. or trying to. i enjoyed reading some of the entries and remembering back 4 and five years ago. but then i always start doing this. i start envying that girl. i start living in the past. too bad i don't seem to know in the present the things i see in the past.

here i am. it's 2008 and i'm 34. just reading that statement gives me a few stomach butterflies. being in the present can be scary and unsure. living in the past can be golden because you don't have to remember the hard stuff. living in the future is hopes and dreams. now is a reality of hard work, flaws, mistakes, sweat... hey i just wrote a kind of palindrome. anyways the present is not knowing, but doing in faith that can be hard. i need more doing in faith in my life.

do you ever have moments with people, co-workers for example, who you see almost every day and who you've come to think of as a certain way and then all of a sudden your focus shifts and you think "i never knew you at all" and you suddenly feel uncomfortable and lonely? i have. it's strange and disconcerting. disconcerting is a choice word of andreas'. of course i commented on it. "you feel that way a lot." i said. he sheepishly admitted that maybe he did.

i want to go on a trip to sweden or scotland.