unintelligable rants after watching freedom writers

i had two donairs for supper. what can i say, i got greedy. i thought one donair is so perfect, why not have two? well it was too much. one and a half would have been better. i'm a little ashamed of my greed. i just wanted the donair to last a little longer.

i walked to the donair place after picking out two movies at rogers. i walked with them hooked under my arm. i had my courdaroy purse on my left shoulder. it kept pulling my shirt up and i kept pulling it down. one must be dilligent about these things. steamy eyes was working but standing there waiting for him to serve me i couldn't feel the same way i used to. i answered his every question about my donair with a 'please, yes please.' i caught myself actually thinking "i wonder if he likes me because i say please." what does that even mean? on so many levels that's weird. like why am i wondering if a donair guy likes me? and why do i think the word please will do it? and do i think i'm the only polite customer in town? anyways i feel like outing myself and talking about my weirdness makes it more normal somehow. plus i'm obviously a bit of an exhibitionist. i don't want to be ashamed of who i am. even if who i am right now isn't who i want to be in the future. some people don't like the mirrors that show too much. some people would never dream of examining themselves. i like to open my eyes to everything and handle it even if it's bad and know that i'm still alright and that being that way does not ruin me, does not define me. i don't know if i'm making sense. to myself maybe. anyways i know that i probably still have unexplored shadows. i know i'm still hiding in some ways. in a lot of ways, but i'm tired of it. i'm so tired of losing the battles, of not believing in myself of letting myself down. i'm tired of hiding. how can i ever become something if i keep on this way? and still part of me so wants to do nothing, think nothing, feel nothing, be nothing. safe in some dark hole of nothingness. i know this sounds dumb but the dark hole of nothingness is a lie. it's not safe and nice, even though it's so enticing. even though i want to crawl in there and curl up and be nothing. it doesn't feel good. there's a slow persistant burn pushing me to stop being nothing to start doing something, pushing me to live, to wash the stupid dishes, to look for a job, to get on with it to try and then the nothing side fights back "no i don't want to!" i say that to myself all the time when urging myself to do something, anything, any kind of progress. and then i recoil. baby steps. it starts with putting some clothes away, it starts with turning off the tv, it starts with making my bed, or any small action. action builds on more action. i feel like this is a battle i've been waging for a long time. does anybody know what i mean? i just needed to say it. to face it. i have a problem. i want to change. i want to be better than i was. i want to be accountable to myself.