i taught today in sunday school. my lesson was on the final hours of jesus' life. i felt overwhelmed as i prepared it. i studied the scriptures involved more than a week ahead of time. i read each gospel account what seems to be innumerable times. i read the chapter in the institute book and the appendix d in the back about peter. i read the chapters in jesus the christ that were pertaining. i felt unprepared. i didn't know what to say or how to say it. i prayed a lot. i spent an hour yesterday morning studying again, and watching the video i wanted to play. i spent three hours last night and i decided to fast. i got up at quarter to six to work on it some more this morning. i still didn't feel prepared. i went to church almost an hour early and i felt panicky. i was trying not to. i told myself that i could do it. during sacrament i quoted scriptures such as "and with God all things are possible." and "by small and simple things are great things brought to pass." to myself. it wasn't until the very minute i stood up and began teaching the lesson that the panicky feeling left me and i felt the warm support of the spirit and the hand of the Lord to steady me and give me confidence. i don't know why i get all worked up and intense. in rs maria-elena said something about having faith for your prayers to be answered and how sometimes we struggle to have enough faith. i think i have lost some confidence over the last years. i pray and yet i fear. it reminds me of the first time i knocked on somebody's door on my mission. i was so afraid. the adrenaline coursed through my body and i thought my knees would give in and i was going to fall over just as the man was opening the door. but i opened my mouth and said the sentence that i knew in swedish and the fear was gone and it never really returned. i think that on some level i think that i have to be fabulous and be everything that's needed and i just know too well how lacking i am, how little i know, how inadequately the words come to me. and all along the simple truth is that i'm not needed to be fabulous. the huge responsibility is not on my shoulders. it's born by the spirit that touches people's hearts and i do know that but i'm still learning it in my heart i guess. i used to know it better. anyways the point is that the Lord is teaching me that he will be there for me when i need him. it wasn't like the best lesson ever preached on earth but i felt the spirit there and i think some people did too.

i know why i got this calling. i want to change. i want to be better and have a more spiritual life. i prayed for help. this super challenging calling is one of the answers. change is so hard. i want to change. i have a great desire to change. but i have huge resistance to it too. if i could be left to hibernate my life away i would do it. on some days more than others. on some days my only desire is to do sudokus or crosswords or watch tv. i don't want to ponder or meditate. i don't want to study or work on my goals. i want to achieve my goals but i don't want to roll up my sleeves and work on them. i've really been fighting with the slug lately. i can't seem to root him out. sometimes i yard on his head but it just pops off like a tick's head and the rest of him is burried inside and digging deeper and deeper in retreat. i think that i might need a totally new life to be successful in any change.

rs lesson today was taught by shelley murley. it was my treat/reward. it was on faith to obedience. i've been thinking about obedience lately. it stuck out to me in my last lesson on the Holy Ghost. that obedience was a way to invite the spirit into your life and here i am searching for a more spirit filled life. feeling a dearth if you will. it remindeds me of that scripture in 2Nephi 7:10 that i love "Who is among you that feareth the Lord, that obeyeth the voice of his servant, that walketh in darkness and hath no light?" shelley got people to think about those commandments that are easy for us individually and those that we personally needed to use faith to obey. and the importance on working on those hard commandments now--being ready now for whatever we're called on to do. she told a powerful story of an experience her friend had when his son and neice were run over by a drunk driver. her friend and his brother-in-law were ready right then because of personal obedience to save their children. and that in turn made me think of the talk by wendy watson neslon at women's conference when sheri dew's powerful prayer saved her at the right moment. and i really want to be ready if ever i'm needed for something. i don't want to be dead inside from my hibernation when i'm supposed to stand up and do the special things that i was sent here to do. i think we're all given a personal weakness or two in direct opposition to our gifts, that sometimes we need to fight our demons just to share our gifts with the world. anyways i received a lot of gospel food today and i'm thankful because i've been starving for it and Jesus did say that those who come unto him will not hunger or thirst. another scripture i like: 2Nephi 9: 51 "....Hearken diligently unto me, and remember the words which i have spoken; and come unto the Holy One of Israel, and feast upon that which perisheth not, neighther can be corrupted, and let your soul delight in fatness." he really does know how to fill me up.