i made beet soup and baking powder bisuits. and then elicia and i ate them. beet soup and baking powder biscuits is a pretty simple meal but it's suprising how a simple accomplishment like making a meal for myself, (especially one that involves vegetables), makes me feel proud of myself and satisfied. i've done a great deed! i've fed myself!

you know what else? i forget this but losing myself in the work of making a meal is a kind of meditation. it soothes me and makes me feel better. like today at church i felt lonely. elicia was at choice theory, heather wasn't feeling well and randy wasn't even there either. and i was lonely. the worst part is in between classes. since i have no where to go, i just sit there and wait and i feel like i should be doing something but i have nothing to do! so i sit there, a little uncomfortable, wondering where to look and what to do with my hands. UNcomfy. i feel like this is a pathetic tale. like admitting that i was lonely and uncomfy in public is pathetic and that people would look at me like i was to be pitied. i hate that. but why should i hide that i was lonely? i really was and that's the honest truth. sometimes i like being alone in a crowd. but today wasn't one of those days. anyways, the point is that by the time i left i was feeling like i used to when i was a teenager and i was wondeirng what was wrong with me. i thought of all my friends and realized that i didn't make one of them on my own, that each person in my life was brought to me by or through other people. and then i wondered why i have a friend disability and it was getting pretty silly. actually i guess i met steve on my own, but that doesn't really count.

so i came home and made beet soup and biscuits and did the dishes and gave my cat some loving and i feel better. i know that most of the time i'm confident and happy to be me.

speaking of friends, my friend fatima and i went to see spiderman 3 on friday night. we got there around six thirty and all the showings were sold out until ten. "we're screwed." i said to fatima after a harried girl yelled the news to the mob of movie goers. "we can see another movie..." said fatima her voice trailing off as we examined the board for other movies. "like what?" i said "there IS nothing else." so we decided to go at ten. we bought our tickets and went back down to the mall. 'we have to be back here by nine." i told fatima firmly.

we looked at shoes. we were supposed to look for shoes for our saris, but i knew there was no point to this, because of my current impoverished circumstances. still we like to look at shoes and so we did. we looked in winners. fatima pointed out jelly shoes at aldo. i could not believe it. "oh well, let the new generation get blisters and cuts on their feet." i shrugged. "and those little rocks stuck in the bottom!" added fats dominos pizza. then we we went to superstore to buy contraband candy. it was hard to make a decision. i pressed a marzipan ritter sport on fatima because she's never had marzipan. fatima introduced me to the best licorice ever. it's soft and black and yummy. she couldn't believe that i'd never had it before. i couldn't believe it either. then i decided to get some lindor balls from the bulk section. i showed fatima how you dig through the pile to find the rarities. but there were no rarities. not like at christmas when sarah and i were digging and i found lots of kinds and she found basically nada, nothing, zero, zip. not that i'm bragging, but comm'on give me a pat on the back folks! i bought a water too. fatima had big time doubts as how everything would fit into our purses for smuggling purposes, so she did not buy a drink.

by this time we were hungry. so i suggested t&t market and so we went there and eventually found ourselves at the dimsum counter. there was a lady at the dimsum counter who manically arranged and rearranged all the packages. like she did not stop. she was shuffling the dimsum packages so quickly some of them were a blur. i asked her about this long stick thing and she said it was full of shrimp, so i got one and so did fatima and then i went to reach for some bbq pork buns and she almost slapped my hand. she said it was too hot and that she would get it for me. she was funny. she was so into the shuffling of the dimsum that she was totally in the way of all the customers who were lined up around her trying to get to the dimsum. i think she was too invested in her job. too overprotective. she needs to cut the dimsum apron strings and go work in the sushi section for a while or something. fatima didn't want anything else there, so we went to pay. there was only one divider on the belt at the check out, and the guy behind fatima had a lot of stuff so i put it between her and him and mentioned to the check out guy that mine and fatima's were seperate. "i already know that." he told me. "oh yah, you knew that." i said at the same time. "he didn't like that you told him that." said fatima to me as we walked out. "i was just trying to be helpful." i said.

we went to the food fair and fatima got the veggie works at new york fries and i ate my dimsum. the sticky rice roll was especially good. mia and i used to get those all the time. i miss mia, i wish she were still around.

at quarter to nine we walked back to the movies just in time to get to the end of a loooooooooooooooooong line up for our movie. i thought good seats were just a distant dream by that time. there was a pretty pregnant lady in front of us and i told fatima as we went in to knock her over so we could get good seats, but amazingly we didn't need to. our seats weren't too shabby, not like that time we had to sit in the front and tom cruise's head was so huge reminded fatima. oh yeah!!! says i. the fanny pack guy sat near us. earlier in the mall he prompted a fanny pack conversation between us. there's a new 'in' kind of fanny pack that you wear at the back apparently. "hey that's the fanny pack guy!" i said to her between clenched teeth. what? she asked. "hey that's the fanny pack guy!" i said to her between clenched teeth. fanny pack is hard to say that way. go ahead. try it for yourself.

we ate our smuggled goods subtly.

i liked the movie. i like the spiderman movies because he's such an imperfect hero, and all the movies are full of humanity and are about the psychology of things. this one has a theme of forgiveness. i shed a tear or two. fatima had one glittering in her eye. as we were walking down the scary stairs we heard some doofus type guys discussing the movie. they didn't like it. one guy kept saying there wasn't enough action. (eh?) the other guy just expressed his dislike. those guys are stoopid i mutter to fatima. not enough action?? she says back to me. we hugged at the cross roads of our cars and said good bye.

saturday i didnt' do much but write a super long blog entry and upload my california pictures to facebook. and so i felt dead inside. but then i had a baked potato and knit while watching master and commander before going to bed so i felt a little less dead. and my soft silky cat curled against my chest like he used to do when he was a baby and that made me happy.