heather came over and we walked up to roger's to return a movie and then up to starbucks. heather got a starbucks card for christmas so she treated me to steamed milk. i chose the ginger bread spiced one and she chose the vanila hazelnut. there were a lot of tempting flavours. i also wanted to try pumpkin. we sat at the chairs along the window so we could see all the 'action' on the street. it was nice. we just sat and talked and then we walked and talked. then we went to her house which she has rearranged (once again) and talked some more. i finally left because i could see she was tired. heather is a good friend. she can be a good listener too.

i got home and gave the cats some much needed play time. they are so cute, i missed them. i think izzy is missing her mom. earlier she came and curled up against me as i sat at the computer and had some cuddle time like she has with elicia.

i'm adjusting to being back at this home. my thoughts are still with that home and my family. i left on a heavy day. some things are so heavy. some things don't seem to have an answer and the only thing i can think of is love and endurance and faith and hope too. but all these things are hard with heavy things. i guess that's where faith comes in.

despite the heavy i had a really nice christmas. like every christmas, there was so much goodness and fun and togetherness packed into so little time. i wish i could recount every bit of it, but i don't know if that will be possible. i'll try to do some highlights.

the all consuming calendar

from the end of november until christmas eve i was working on amy's calendar of love. it was a lot of work, but i think my favourite part about it was getting all the submissions from each family member. it made me feel good to witness each person's way of loving. everyone had a different way of expressing themselves. each person had their own memories and way of loving amy and i would read what they said and get a lump in my throat and think, wow, this person is a really good brother/sister etc. and i think almost every person said something like "it's not very good, or i hope you can use it, or expressed some doubt of some sort. and everything they wrote was exactly what i wanted and was more perfect than if i had done it all on my own. it's hard to explain but it just reminded me how much we all love each other and the strength and power for good that lies within families. there's a quote i put in the calendar that says "Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted." ~Paul Pearshall and because i was thinking this way i totally cried the time on survivor when all the family members came on. you could see the people change in the instant they saw the face of their family member. they were stronger some how, i don't know how to explain it, but i really saw it this time and i was totally in tears and for once hoping no one would see it because they always make fun of the survivors for crying when they haven't even been gone from home for that long. anyways i think it's true. our instinct is for family.

another way making this calendar made my christmas good was the way everyone helped me so readily. i got so much unconditional help and support. and no one was annoyed with me (except amy when i banned her from certain regions) or impatient. they just chipped in so cheerfully and that was good for me. mom helped me when all i had was piles of pictures and card stock and a 162 sayings. first of all she thought it was wonderful and shared in the vision i had in my head and didn't try to tell me it was too much or impractical or anything. then she took away some of the overwhelmingness that threatened to delay me, she just sat down with me at my table and was all, let's start now, and began mounting pictures on card stock with me and i thought, this isn't bad. i can do this. then thoughout the rest of the time she would help me when she had any time. she was always asking me, laura what can i do? how can i help you? and she didn't begrudge me all the time i spent on it even though i know she was so busy with all the guessts and christmas and could have used my help. just her supporting attitude was so much help.

and i had bought all this ribbon to use, but then had to give it up because of time but sarah cheerfully took over the ribboning. just volunteered to do it! and because of her it has those special touches and details that i wanted but didn't have the capacity to do.

and bethany asked in a small voice "can i help too?" and became my partner in the biggest job, matching pictures to sayings, and was such a genius at it and an expert consultant and just the way we enjoyed each other's ideas gave me the oomph i needed at times. "you're tired aren't you?" bethany would ask after a searching look. "i can tell because you're all no-nonsence."

and jawn and slavica, two more supporters of the cause. jawn took a huge burden off my shoulders by figuring out the mathematics of the dates and making a chart for me that just made it so easy. i was so worn out by that time and it was something i was worried about figuring out. thanks to jawn it was easy.

martha stayed up with me until three while i was dating them and sarah and jawn were with me searching for the binding solution at home depot and some vender guy who didn't even work there, saved the day and came up with the perfect thing. and that was a miracle because i didn't know how to do it, but i had faith i would meet someone who would and i did. and dad pounded the metal crimper things for me on christmas eve and katie and evan and tracy and doug all looked at it and appreciated it and i know this whole thing isn't even about me, but i'm just trying to explain that the overwhelming support i got from everyone was a big gift for me this christmas and i think it's neat that there was no way i could have completed this project properly without the help of every person in our family and i love it that every person in our family was so open and giving of themselves so that amy could have this gift that i wanted to give her. and each time i felt so exhausted and overwhelmed and burnt out, heavenly father found some way to rejuvinate me, strengthen me or renew my faith, or he sent me a person who could help me. and i believe he was the biggest supporter of my project because he wanted amy to have it and i think that any time we are trying to love one another that he is our biggest supporter because he sends us love any way he can and somehow he managed to send me love too. and to me the way it all works out and fits together is miraculous.