in the heat of the feet

some people don't like the messy cry at the end of sense and sensibility but it's one of my favourite parts. it's surprising because it's so unflattering and if you can blurt out a cry then elener does. i like it because it IS an ugly cry and so real of a release of all her pent up hope and despair... anyways i like it.

i woke up in a bad mood today. izzy escaped when i was leaving the apartment for work and i was flooded with irritation and anger. i gave her a good hissing and instantly felt bad. at work shelley said to me "laura you've changed and i don't like it." i asked her in what way i'd changed. "i'm more grumpy?" i guessed. she nodded yes and i felt regretful. i was horrible to everyone. wendel was nice to me after i yelled at him for interrupting me. i was just so tired of hearing a persistant, "laura! laura!" when trying to answer someone else's annoying question. so i turned on him. i saw a picture of me taken when i first started almost two and a half years ago. that girl looked young and care-free and full of optimism and idealism. she had merry eyes. she was also quite a bit thinner. i'm worried that i'm turning bitter, disillusioned, old, crude and cranky. but maybe that was just today.

heather cancelled our run this morning because of the rain and i turned on her when she called earlier this evening. i told her it would rain all winter and that rain doesn't make you sick. i basically jumped down her throat. she said "it seems like you're frustrated or angry." and i felt sorry for the miserable me that was leaking out all over everyone else. why was i so miserable today? i have no idea. i felt so angry at some points that i could have cried. but i had no reasons. i was just foul.

jordan stayed over last night. we has pork chops and the extra long beans i got at richmond country market last saturday. the beans did not disappoint. he watched survivor with us companionably. i kept accusing him of snoozing during er. he denied like i accused him of a sunburn. he left before i got up this morning.

mom and dad are sleeping over right now. we went to the white spot by my place. we had some good talks. dad was going to sleep in his car which i thought was pretty weird and finally convinced him to sleep inside with us. he liked my book (from bethany) that lists people's famous last words and he borrowed a mark twain book to read.

i bought a new conditioner today that i hope i might like. it's been a while since i've been truly happy with a conditioner. maybe this is the break i need. maybe life isn't as drear as it appears some days.