black wednesday
yesterday was one of my black wednesdays. it surprises me how easy it is to go from such a high on mondays to such a low on wedensdays. yesterday i felt hopeless, discouraged and low. i felt like a failure in everything i was trying to do. i felt like life had no light or joy in it. i felt utterly tired. i felt like giving up on all my optimistic goals and throwing them all away. i felt alone. i made no supper and only ate a bag of chips that elicia picked up for me. i spent most of the time in my bed reading and napping. but i got up to watch top model with elicia and ended up watching tv until 11. as i got up and headed for my room i knew that everything was about to spill over. and it did. i knelt down to say my prayers and i laid it all out for heavenly father. i vocalized all the horrid fears and doubts that had been eating at me. all the grey drab thoughts that were eating away at my joy and peace. and i sobbed, and blew my nose, and sobbed and blew my nose and sobbed some more. and i laid my burden down. after letting all that horrible stuff out i could ask for what i needed, like faith and understanding and healing and comfort and strength to carry on. just as i was finishing up i heard the soft mew of my cat at the door. i let him in and he curled up against me in the coziest manner (as only cats can do), all soft and orange and furry and purring and contentment seeking, and i read my scriptures and i fell asleep and woke up able to face a new day. a dark day done with.
when my alarm went off at ten to six i lay in bed and thought about calling heather to cancel our run. i'd say "let's do it friday!" and go back to sleep. but i saw her standing on the street between our streets alone in the cold morning darkness and i pushed the coziness of my duvet off of my sleep heavy limbs and switched on the lamp. once the lamp is on there is no more thinking or deciding. i go about the motions of getting ready. i find my worn black work-out pants, my sports bra, my running top and my socks and stumble into them. i open the door to two cats who are waiting eagerly to be fed, weaving in and out of my legs. i pee first. then i dump some food into their bowls and brush my teeth and put on my watch and put on my shoes and take a drink and grab the keys and look i should be there already and out the door, lock the door and down the hall and down the stairs and out the door, glance at my reflection in the mirrors of the lobby, remind myself that it's dark and no one can see the rolls that my running shirt likes to cradle, and out on the leaf lined street and down the alley and i see heather in the distance walking towards me and we meet in the middle and i start my watch and every event leads to the next and before i know it, we are done and i'm glad i went and i'm enjoying the endorphins and giving myself positive feed back and deciding what to wear today.
in the shower i decided to take the time to treat myself to the sugar scrub fatima made for me--gave me. it's one of my favourite smells and i smile like i do each time because it's nice that she knows me. it's nice that she knows how to make something i will love. knows enough to make it strong and to put rose mixed with the spice and exotic. knows i love spice. knows i love heady euphoric smells. a small reminder that someone loves me and love is real. sometimes on my dark days i wonder if love is real. if love is actually the wonderful thing i've always thought it was. i think, what if i was wrong? what if love is an unreachable ideal? and what is real is a compromise, an empty love, unfulfilling. sometimes that lie seems so powerful to me, even though i know it is a lie. and the world coloured with this lie is so dark and lonely and meaningless. confusing.
so i looked nice today and i wore my red lipgloss, although considerably muted. i have these days where i just want to look nice, just for myself. and these are the comments i always get "oooooh, laura! do you have a date?" "you have a date don't you?" "who's your date with?" haha, ya right i get ready for my dates before i go to work! and i like to go on dates smelling like sausage, or ground beef, or onions or garlic! sillies.
i haven't gone to the gym all week. oh well. at least i've done three days of running. i'm still at work. i need to go home.
when my alarm went off at ten to six i lay in bed and thought about calling heather to cancel our run. i'd say "let's do it friday!" and go back to sleep. but i saw her standing on the street between our streets alone in the cold morning darkness and i pushed the coziness of my duvet off of my sleep heavy limbs and switched on the lamp. once the lamp is on there is no more thinking or deciding. i go about the motions of getting ready. i find my worn black work-out pants, my sports bra, my running top and my socks and stumble into them. i open the door to two cats who are waiting eagerly to be fed, weaving in and out of my legs. i pee first. then i dump some food into their bowls and brush my teeth and put on my watch and put on my shoes and take a drink and grab the keys and look i should be there already and out the door, lock the door and down the hall and down the stairs and out the door, glance at my reflection in the mirrors of the lobby, remind myself that it's dark and no one can see the rolls that my running shirt likes to cradle, and out on the leaf lined street and down the alley and i see heather in the distance walking towards me and we meet in the middle and i start my watch and every event leads to the next and before i know it, we are done and i'm glad i went and i'm enjoying the endorphins and giving myself positive feed back and deciding what to wear today.
in the shower i decided to take the time to treat myself to the sugar scrub fatima made for me--gave me. it's one of my favourite smells and i smile like i do each time because it's nice that she knows me. it's nice that she knows how to make something i will love. knows enough to make it strong and to put rose mixed with the spice and exotic. knows i love spice. knows i love heady euphoric smells. a small reminder that someone loves me and love is real. sometimes on my dark days i wonder if love is real. if love is actually the wonderful thing i've always thought it was. i think, what if i was wrong? what if love is an unreachable ideal? and what is real is a compromise, an empty love, unfulfilling. sometimes that lie seems so powerful to me, even though i know it is a lie. and the world coloured with this lie is so dark and lonely and meaningless. confusing.
so i looked nice today and i wore my red lipgloss, although considerably muted. i have these days where i just want to look nice, just for myself. and these are the comments i always get "oooooh, laura! do you have a date?" "you have a date don't you?" "who's your date with?" haha, ya right i get ready for my dates before i go to work! and i like to go on dates smelling like sausage, or ground beef, or onions or garlic! sillies.
i haven't gone to the gym all week. oh well. at least i've done three days of running. i'm still at work. i need to go home.
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