mom just told me that when i was born she was sharing a hospital room with three other women who were all chain smokers. she said the ceiling was blue with smoke. she said they'd light up and just leave them burning. she said when she came home she had bronchitis and i had a bad cold. later in grade one or two i had bronchitis. i remember i had to miss school and i hated missing it. when i was finally allowed to come back, it was around halloween and i remember mom telling the teacher that i shouldn't have anything like peanuts that i could choke on. then in japan just before i left, i developed a cough that followed me back to nanaimo and lasted for months and months and months. finally we figured out that it was asthma. now i'm mostly symptom free most of the time, but i still cough like a smoker. the other day lisa said that i already cough like an old lady, so she wondered what i would sound like when i actually was old. i think it's all connected. and poor dad, he's downstairs with pneumonia. he had it when he was a little kid. yesterday i made him a mustard pack. i looked it up on the internet. dad said he sure wished his mom was alive. we always want our moms.

i slept on the deck again. it's my favourite spot. i woke up once this morning with a cold face and ducked it only under the afghan. i wouldn't be able to breath under a heavy blanket. some people came to look at the house today. i keep hoping that it won't sell and we won't need it to.

yesterday i took bethany driving. we drove around the church parking lot. i told her to pretend the ends of the white lines were the side of the road and that each turn was a stop sight and an intersection. we went around a couple of times. bethany was feeling timid and wanted to master the parking lot before leaving it. we traded shoes because her shoe of choice was flip flops and interfered with proper pedaling. "inappropriate" i said pointedly at shoes. she has a chronic footware impaired judgement issue. "soft blue shoe" she murmmured as she put on my crocs. eventually she was ready for the road. we drove down glen eagle and then home. there were no alarming happenings. upon reaching ma n' pop beet's she turned off the car and refused to drive more. she said it exhausted her.

katie phoned when we were almost at woodgrove. that was providential because i meant to call her but was distracted by the driving lessons. she said she had a small window with which to shop with us. so we picked her up. she is not one to volunteer directions. she likes to be asked. i like volunteers. i like tomAEto you like tomAHto.

bethany wanted a new and flattering top. we went to urban planning ie. urban planet. katie and i had fun picking out tops and flooding bethany with them. basically everything she tried on looked great on her. some gave her more of a boob shelf than others if you know what i mean. "like andrea." i said. "like mrs. curtis." said katie. mrs. curtis was my grade one and two teacher. she wore form fitting turtlenecks and sweaters. i used to fold my shirt over to have a shelf like hers. i loved her. katie's window was rapidly closing so we rushed off without the keys, came back to get them from bethknee and she was ready to come with us.

we saw brent at the door. his hair is getting long. he is being retro boy.

we went home and mom made us yummy chicken, green beans and sweet potatoes.

we went to beth-a-knocked-kneed's place to feed p.roud k.ing and pick up a movie for sister's movie night. i picked bride and prejudice because i hadn't seen it in a while. p.ickled k.abbage ate like gang busters darting his head up once in a while to see whadup. he was a lot larger than i remember. filled out but not chubby.

katie was blowdrying michealah's hair while she stood on a stool and read a story out loud. natalie asked me to brush her teeth for her. there was pizza on the table and we helped ourselves to a piece and shared. bethany confessed to making cookies with cristco and not liking them. she thought no one did. boy was she wrongsie about that.

dough and del came half way through the movie with flowers for katie and they sat down for a minute. del was really tired. i asked doug to pick up amy at the ferry and said "preshate cha!"

after the movie we talked a bit about different things like creeps and personal boundries and the freedom to be rude and loud and angry with someone who is disrespecting you.

lately i've been thinking a lot about how my mothering years are passing me by and about how my womb may be barren. one time leif told me about this girl he had kind of dated once and that she had told him that she might not be able to have kids and that he didn't think there was much of a point of persuing the relationship after that. i didn't say anything. i didn't want to make him feel bad, or myself. i've been promised children of my own, but it's hard not knowing when or how. it requires faith i tell myself. i tell myself every good thing will come to me and most importantly when it does come it will still be good to me. it won't be too late. i tell myself to do the things i can do and keep a belief tucked in close by my heart.

maybe i'll be 100 like sarah and abraham.