i'm no threat as long as i do nothing.
i like rainy fall days like today. i like the dark gray of the world, the slanting rain and the wet bright leaves on the slick roads. i'm kind of bored. i'm still recovering from my cold. i don't feel 100% as they say. when i do feel 100% again it will be one of those times when i notice the difference and feel thankful for health. it's the time of year when i start to get the knitting bug. i start dreaming of possibilities. i start thinking, wouldn't it be great if i could make ______. or what can i do with this particular yarn.... i was doing that. i was all caught up in knitting thoughts, i was about to get some more books out, look at the yarn in my current possession, make plans, possibly start something this afternoon, but i thought, i'll just stop and check out some things on the computer. and i ended up preictably playing five or six games of spider soletaire before the thought i put as my title could draw me away, plus the truth is, i finally won a game. the thought came to me because i was wondering idly to myself why i so often do nothing. what really is it that keeps me back. why do i have a million things in reserve for me to do. what am i waiting for? why don't i just do things? why don't i get involved with myself? what's the deal with my self aloofness? i don't really know. it's a combination of a number of challenging personality traits i guess. i just really don't want to live the days of my life, however long that will be, waiting to live some time in the future, wasting wasting wasting and never becoming. i don't want my life to be ineffectual because i just don't do. i may as well be a nothing and a nobody if i let all my potential for greatness wither inside me. why is it so hard come out from behind the walls of nothingness? what's the great danger of doing??
...i think i'll go have a nap. just kidding.
friday night was the stake talent show. to be honest, i didn't really want to go. i was tired and i didn't know if i'd feel safe. but elicia had a flute number and i wanted to go and see her. so heather and i went. as soon as heather gets to a place she rushes here and there saying hi to this person and that in her loud warm way. i don't want to say hi to anyone and i stay sitting in the spot we chose. (it surprises me how shy i still really am, especially without karey around) but sitting there by myself i feel uncomfy, like i don't know what to do with myself and i have absolutely nothing to say to anyone. at moments like that i'm completely dry. chandra was sitting by me and joanna came up to say hi. she's coming to our ward for good now. i made awkward small talk for few minutes with joanna. at times like these when i feel uncomfy i just have to patiently wait it out--be calm, read a program, tell myself it's ok to just sit and not talk to anyone. but it wasn't long before heather came back and not long after that that the program began.
i actually really enjoyed myself. my favourite things were:
1. john elton's photography slide show--he had so many cool, and beautiful, and just wow shots. i wish i could be like that. he made me want to try long exposures. the effects were so cool! i should get my cameras fixed.
2. the sword dance--it was done by this young beautiful chinese girl and it was just really good. even the shadow she made on the curtain looked perfect and so graceful and swift and, well, chinese.
3. the hur girl's violin piece--she did a bach 'number' (haha) and wow, it was really good. those hurs are so musically talented!
4. the haka dance--bobby taught it to the ysa boys and it was really powerful and loud and fierce. they were all totally into it and knew all the words (the chief in whale rider was teaching this to the young men in his tribe, if you've seen that movie). it was a bit weird to see all those boys in just loin cloths and all painted up, especially the pudgy ones or the little tiny skinny ones.
afterwards we talked to a few people. heather told jonathon (who was in the haka dance) that she was surprised that he was so 'cut'. on my part i thought the look on his face was too funny and that's what i noticed, but i didn't say so. kurt hugged us of course and was telling us of all his business ventures. starting this new company and doing this thing and the other... heather asked about ryan and aparently he's a dating a nice girl.
elicia wanted to go out to eat so we decided to go to the white spot by our house. but by the time we got there it was closed. we went into the nearby pub, but after sitting down, decided to leave because it was too loud for heather (who already says "what??" too much for my liking) :) and elicia. so to make long story short we ended up driving all the way to the naam. heather had never been there, and i hadn't been there in a long time and the sesame fries with miso gravy were calling out to me. i also got their delicious fresh apple raspberry juice and a quesadilla, but i wasn't that into the quesadilla. i got to sit in this weird throne like not quite a double wooden high backed chair. heather and elicia had to sit in these little rickity wooden chairs. heather was so tired that zoning out as she likes to call it, was the name of the game. she kept blurting out "what??" at the slightest sound you made, or her face would just sag with sleepiness. that is except when she was eating or when she got her fresh blueberry shake, or when she was singing along with duran duran. she loves duran duran, i've discovered. elicia was healthy and got a salad with her sesame fries. out of the three of us i used the most of the miso gravy because i just love it so much. on the way out i grabbed a booklet about the writer's and reader's festival that's happening here this week. when we got home i went straight to bed but read the booklet first and bethany i think you should enter your story into the contest! ya do it!!
saturday morning came quickly. i got ready quickly but i didn't look too bad if you know what i mean. barb and gabby showed up just as i was looking frantically for my passport. i remembered putting it somewhere where i knew i wouldn't remember it, and boy was that true. i waved at gab out the window and grabbed my fully sheet birth certifricate instead. elicia told me later that she could hear barb calling me. that barb. shhhh barb! we got gas, filled up the slow leak tire and we were on our way. it was a really nice trip with good conversations and i even ate a moon pie when heather forced me to stop so she could pee. i ate a payday too because i like paydays and they're an 'merican "candy bar".
we got there way ahead of schedule so we went to the bookstore. i said "let's walk because this is a number one spot!" and so we did but it was chilly vanilly out. gab taught us to walk with our hips tilted forward and so working your whole body. heather had trouble with this while going up the stairs. at the book store there were few books i wanted but didn't get.
back at the temple we went to do initiatories but there was only enough staff for two people so we left heather and gab there and barb and i got dressed and went to the room where our stake was meeting. barb had to sit by the burgesses and we passed randy and scott and greg on the back row. randy was all "hey sit by us in the back row!" and i was all " no way!" the session was really full but it was nice to be with so many people you know. not that i know them, but i know them if you know what i mean and i think you do. in the celestial room scott bent down to tell me that i look lovely in white. that was nice of him. like mom, i seem to get kind compliments in the temple. it was nice to feel the peace and strength of the temple flow into me. i needed it.
after the temple we went to azteca. the last time i was there was the fateful steve temple trip of 2004 with joanna and jenn w. this time i got a seafood chimichanga and some black bean soup. the black bean soup was supposed to be a cup, but it was a huge bowl! i hate to think how big the bowl would have been. i wouldn't let heather get aroz con pollo because that's what she always gets. barb got the fundidos but didn't like the american cheese (=processed cheese). conversation turned to karey at the table. gab wondered how she was. i said she was good and seemed to be liking it in alberta and heather said she emails her once a week. i don't think that gab realizes that karey and i are best friends. it's just the way she doesn't seem to ask me about her, or something. i don't know. it's just a feeling i get. like at the park when i said see ya karey and she asked if this was the last time i'd be seeing her. ya right! like i'd be saying casually "see ya." haha, anyways whatever. gab went on to say how awesome she thought karey was. she was like seriously she is just such a great person! and i thought that was pretty cool. i hope when i'm gone peoplle say i'm awesome. :)
in bellingham we stopped for nutbars but we barely made it in because costco was closing. this time there was no "hi barb" from the costco consession stand. everyone was appropriately appreciative of the weight and girth of the nutbars.
i went peace arch on the way back as per tradition. unfortunately peace arch was very backed up. barb was like "i just need to know. why do you like to wait in line here?" haha. barb was listening to her newly purchased cd. a cd that she had bought twice previously in the tape form (speaking of tapes, at the gas station we stopped at you could buy cassettes for only 8.99!!) . it was about joseph smith and once we got past the first cheesie song, it wasn't too bad, another exception being the oliver cowdry song which was just annoying. the border guard asked how much we spent and i said "140" "between you all?" he asked "yep" i said. "that's all you managed?" he teased straight faced and let us go without taking our id. on the way down when i told the boreder guard we were going to the temple he went on and on about which temple and how is he supposed to know what temple, there is even a restaurant called temple. "sorry." i said meekly.
when i finally got home i lay on the couch and untangled yarn. got to the heart of the tangle as amy would and has said. i didn't want to do anything. all day i'd been having that feeling like i just wanted to be cozy and rest and so i finally did. and went to bed after that.
the end.
...i think i'll go have a nap. just kidding.
friday night was the stake talent show. to be honest, i didn't really want to go. i was tired and i didn't know if i'd feel safe. but elicia had a flute number and i wanted to go and see her. so heather and i went. as soon as heather gets to a place she rushes here and there saying hi to this person and that in her loud warm way. i don't want to say hi to anyone and i stay sitting in the spot we chose. (it surprises me how shy i still really am, especially without karey around) but sitting there by myself i feel uncomfy, like i don't know what to do with myself and i have absolutely nothing to say to anyone. at moments like that i'm completely dry. chandra was sitting by me and joanna came up to say hi. she's coming to our ward for good now. i made awkward small talk for few minutes with joanna. at times like these when i feel uncomfy i just have to patiently wait it out--be calm, read a program, tell myself it's ok to just sit and not talk to anyone. but it wasn't long before heather came back and not long after that that the program began.
i actually really enjoyed myself. my favourite things were:
1. john elton's photography slide show--he had so many cool, and beautiful, and just wow shots. i wish i could be like that. he made me want to try long exposures. the effects were so cool! i should get my cameras fixed.
2. the sword dance--it was done by this young beautiful chinese girl and it was just really good. even the shadow she made on the curtain looked perfect and so graceful and swift and, well, chinese.
3. the hur girl's violin piece--she did a bach 'number' (haha) and wow, it was really good. those hurs are so musically talented!
4. the haka dance--bobby taught it to the ysa boys and it was really powerful and loud and fierce. they were all totally into it and knew all the words (the chief in whale rider was teaching this to the young men in his tribe, if you've seen that movie). it was a bit weird to see all those boys in just loin cloths and all painted up, especially the pudgy ones or the little tiny skinny ones.
afterwards we talked to a few people. heather told jonathon (who was in the haka dance) that she was surprised that he was so 'cut'. on my part i thought the look on his face was too funny and that's what i noticed, but i didn't say so. kurt hugged us of course and was telling us of all his business ventures. starting this new company and doing this thing and the other... heather asked about ryan and aparently he's a dating a nice girl.
elicia wanted to go out to eat so we decided to go to the white spot by our house. but by the time we got there it was closed. we went into the nearby pub, but after sitting down, decided to leave because it was too loud for heather (who already says "what??" too much for my liking) :) and elicia. so to make long story short we ended up driving all the way to the naam. heather had never been there, and i hadn't been there in a long time and the sesame fries with miso gravy were calling out to me. i also got their delicious fresh apple raspberry juice and a quesadilla, but i wasn't that into the quesadilla. i got to sit in this weird throne like not quite a double wooden high backed chair. heather and elicia had to sit in these little rickity wooden chairs. heather was so tired that zoning out as she likes to call it, was the name of the game. she kept blurting out "what??" at the slightest sound you made, or her face would just sag with sleepiness. that is except when she was eating or when she got her fresh blueberry shake, or when she was singing along with duran duran. she loves duran duran, i've discovered. elicia was healthy and got a salad with her sesame fries. out of the three of us i used the most of the miso gravy because i just love it so much. on the way out i grabbed a booklet about the writer's and reader's festival that's happening here this week. when we got home i went straight to bed but read the booklet first and bethany i think you should enter your story into the contest! ya do it!!
saturday morning came quickly. i got ready quickly but i didn't look too bad if you know what i mean. barb and gabby showed up just as i was looking frantically for my passport. i remembered putting it somewhere where i knew i wouldn't remember it, and boy was that true. i waved at gab out the window and grabbed my fully sheet birth certifricate instead. elicia told me later that she could hear barb calling me. that barb. shhhh barb! we got gas, filled up the slow leak tire and we were on our way. it was a really nice trip with good conversations and i even ate a moon pie when heather forced me to stop so she could pee. i ate a payday too because i like paydays and they're an 'merican "candy bar".
we got there way ahead of schedule so we went to the bookstore. i said "let's walk because this is a number one spot!" and so we did but it was chilly vanilly out. gab taught us to walk with our hips tilted forward and so working your whole body. heather had trouble with this while going up the stairs. at the book store there were few books i wanted but didn't get.
back at the temple we went to do initiatories but there was only enough staff for two people so we left heather and gab there and barb and i got dressed and went to the room where our stake was meeting. barb had to sit by the burgesses and we passed randy and scott and greg on the back row. randy was all "hey sit by us in the back row!" and i was all " no way!" the session was really full but it was nice to be with so many people you know. not that i know them, but i know them if you know what i mean and i think you do. in the celestial room scott bent down to tell me that i look lovely in white. that was nice of him. like mom, i seem to get kind compliments in the temple. it was nice to feel the peace and strength of the temple flow into me. i needed it.
after the temple we went to azteca. the last time i was there was the fateful steve temple trip of 2004 with joanna and jenn w. this time i got a seafood chimichanga and some black bean soup. the black bean soup was supposed to be a cup, but it was a huge bowl! i hate to think how big the bowl would have been. i wouldn't let heather get aroz con pollo because that's what she always gets. barb got the fundidos but didn't like the american cheese (=processed cheese). conversation turned to karey at the table. gab wondered how she was. i said she was good and seemed to be liking it in alberta and heather said she emails her once a week. i don't think that gab realizes that karey and i are best friends. it's just the way she doesn't seem to ask me about her, or something. i don't know. it's just a feeling i get. like at the park when i said see ya karey and she asked if this was the last time i'd be seeing her. ya right! like i'd be saying casually "see ya." haha, anyways whatever. gab went on to say how awesome she thought karey was. she was like seriously she is just such a great person! and i thought that was pretty cool. i hope when i'm gone peoplle say i'm awesome. :)
in bellingham we stopped for nutbars but we barely made it in because costco was closing. this time there was no "hi barb" from the costco consession stand. everyone was appropriately appreciative of the weight and girth of the nutbars.
i went peace arch on the way back as per tradition. unfortunately peace arch was very backed up. barb was like "i just need to know. why do you like to wait in line here?" haha. barb was listening to her newly purchased cd. a cd that she had bought twice previously in the tape form (speaking of tapes, at the gas station we stopped at you could buy cassettes for only 8.99!!) . it was about joseph smith and once we got past the first cheesie song, it wasn't too bad, another exception being the oliver cowdry song which was just annoying. the border guard asked how much we spent and i said "140" "between you all?" he asked "yep" i said. "that's all you managed?" he teased straight faced and let us go without taking our id. on the way down when i told the boreder guard we were going to the temple he went on and on about which temple and how is he supposed to know what temple, there is even a restaurant called temple. "sorry." i said meekly.
when i finally got home i lay on the couch and untangled yarn. got to the heart of the tangle as amy would and has said. i didn't want to do anything. all day i'd been having that feeling like i just wanted to be cozy and rest and so i finally did. and went to bed after that.
the end.
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