i've been lying in bed for a couple hours reading memoirs of a geisha. i finished it and got up, surprised to see that the world had changed from a gloomy grey and rainy day to a lovely day of sunshine and blue sky. nobody was around but the front door was open so i went through the screen and sat on the front step blinking in the sunshine. i was thinking about life and how it isn't ever what you think it will be like. everything seemed surreal. after a while a family came walking down the side walk and a little boy ran to our swing and then his sister wanted a turn. i hoped that when they saw me on the front steps that it wouldn't make them feel uncomfortable. i hoped they wouldn't see me. but one of the men turned around and saw me so i had to smile with as much good will as i could muster. he looked back a couple of times for the good will smile but eventually they moved on. i came in to write in my blog but i can't seem to focus properly. everything is blury.

the moodiness of reading is still with me. i don't feel like myself. when i was sitting on the steps thinking about my life i thought of the things that i personally struggle with and i wondered if maybe i'd be struggling with them for the rest of my life. don't people struggle with the same types of issues all through their lives? it seems to me that they might. i guess in the back of my mind i've always assumed there will be a point in my life that i'll have overcome them. but now i think maybe not. maybe i've been fighting for so long with who i really am and who i'll always be. i'm not saying that i don't think that i can change things about me, i'm just saying maybe it's time i accepted myself more fully. to just say "ya that's the way i am and it's ok." i thought that i did that already, but i guess there's still some plot in my heart that i still avoid and fight against. just being yourself is so hard sometimes.