stagnant pools of slime
i've been stagnating. i've had a restless weekend. no motivation to do all the things i wanted to do, like my room for example, which continues to be a minefield of piles. i've lost all the oomph that i had. gone gone gone woah woh woh...
i'm sorry to say that friday's choir was frustrating and disillusioning. it was just too high and my voice wasn't up to speed. somedays i have a more promising voice and i think, maybe with practice i can sing higher and better. other days my airways are asthma phlegmy and my voice tires out after 20 minutes. then i'm just straining and pushing and getting more and more hoarse. you'er not supposed to get tense or push but i don't know how not to. i try and try, but still i feel my jaw tensing up and my neck strainng no matter how hard i concentrate on staying relaxed and open and giving more air support and adding an ahhh behind every vowel, and lengthening the vowel instead of singing the ugly sounds of the constanents. sister roeder was helping us do our parts on friday and the guys went off with brother roeder. at one point she said "is anyone getting hoarse?" i was the only to put up my hand. and i was totally out of my league. depressing. i missed elicia too. she went home this weekend, so she didn't come to institute choir. i like singing beside her, because our voices are similar and they blend and it's almost like singing with a sister, which is the best of all singing--sister singing. the next morning i had a sore throat. at first i felt alarmed, am i getting another cold?, but no, it's just the damage done from trying to sing out of my range. it's still a little raw today too. wo wo wo is me. nobody suffers like i do.
yesterday i spent more money than i should have. i went with karey and sarita to wallmart and bought a few groceries along the way as karey was buying hers. i was hungry and shouldn't have been shopping, because i ended up buying things like the spring line of lindors, lime flavoured nacho scoops, and soft raspberry turnover cookies. at least i got bread, tuna, cheese and yoghurt as well. i also bought some dvds. there was a sale on all these old classic disney movies, 2 for 25, and i wanted to buy them all. there was the absent minded proffessor, the 3 different herbie movies, that darn cat, a haley mills movie that i haven't seen yet, the strongest man with kurt russell, the son of flubber. sigh. that was the golden age of disney movies. they had return from witch mountain too. tony and tia... anyways i couldn't decide and i wasn't allowing myself more than two, so i decided painfully not to get any. then i turned around and karey was waving man on the moom at me saying "it's that steve movie." it was only 8 dollars so i bought it as well as a movie i had never seen before with sally fields, danny glover, john malkovich, and ed harris (and the wife in field of dreams), called places in the heart. it won an academy award for best actress (sally fields) in 1984. it was based on the real life stories of the screen writer/director, robert benton's family during the depression in this small town in texas where it was mostly all filmed. we watched it yesterday. it's pretty good. interesting and thought provoking. anyways it was only 10 dollars. we ate at mcdonald's after buying all our stuff. we all got two cheeseburgers and fries. sarita was so funny because she was starting this cleansing fast thing where you only drink the concoction of maple syrup, lemon juice and cayenne pepper. she made up the first batch that mornign and took it with her in her nalgene bottle. as soon as we said mcdonald's she was like "forget it, that stuff tastes horrible." and gave us money to buy her some cheese burgers. later she borrowed money for a mcflurry too. we talked about shawn and sharon and how they told us on friday that during their 'build an eternal marriage' class on communication that they realized that they do all the wrong things. they talked about their struggle with where to eat. shawn always wanted fast food, and sharon always wanted to eat at a real place. sounded so familiar. are all guys that way? sometimes they had to comprimise and each buy their stuff at a different place (for sharon that would be the bread garden) and then just eat it together. also a familiar strategy. i told karey and sarita that steve loooooved mcdonald's. sarita found that hard to believe, just like i did at first. she thought he seemed too higher class for fast food. then i told her of his enthusiasm while taking a bite out of whatever the mcdeal was and saying "this is sooo good! i don't know how anyone can say this isn't good food!" after that we went to home outfitters where i bought a vaacuum pack bag to put my old twin duvet in, so that there's more room in the hall closet for some of our bathroom stuff. i also found the perfect dish rack and it only cost 70 dollars. a steal, really. then we packed sarita, who loves to sleep her saturdays away, off to home depot. i was looking for curtain rods. they were basically the same everywhere i went, so i finally bought one. karey wasn't very helpful. she was low on patience on the whole curtain rod thing. probably because she would make a quick decision about it, while i was trying to weight out all the options and look for the one i liked best. i also had trouble picturing the double rod thing which annoyed her to no end. anyways i finally picked out a pewterish silver one. last night i was reading in bed, and started up with a horrible thought. i never looked at the measurements of the curtains i bought! what if they were the wrong size after all this? well i looked at the package, but i still don't know. i don't know if the measurement is for the two panels together or just for one side. if it's for one side then i got the right size, if not... i'm in trouble.
we finally came home and i was bored and restless the rest of the day/night. i made myself clean the bathroom in degrees and the basement tv room, my two jobs. karey and i watched my new movie. i tried to read and slept. we had cheddar smokies in tiny buns, we watched felicity, and then america's funniest home videos. there was this hilarious one of this little kid in only underwear, carrying a big frog. the person filming who i assumed was the kid's mother, asked how many frogs she had. she put that one down and pulled another one out of the back of her underwear, put that one down and turned slightly, and you could see that the whole back of her underwear was drooping full of frogs. she pulled out five, and then looked done, but realized there was one more in there somewhere, dug down deep and found it. i was killing myself laughing, and there was noone around to share it with.
after 11:30 or so i went back to my room and tried to read again. i kept nodding off. i never have this problem. it's the book. i realized that i wasn't enjoying it at all. i was continually tempted to skip large parts and it gave me a creepy feeling. the writing style wasn't even enjoyable and the story was doing nothing for me, so i quit the book. by now it was 2am. i got up and turned on the tv very quietly. i happened on a indian movie with subtitles and watched the emotional ending. the thing that facinated me was that the girls were so beautiful but the men weren't handsome or very appealing at all. they weren't the typical kind of male hero. they were chubby faced, and in fact chubby bodied, with double chins and moustaches. they reminded me of neil jit.
at three i went to bed.
i'm sorry to say that friday's choir was frustrating and disillusioning. it was just too high and my voice wasn't up to speed. somedays i have a more promising voice and i think, maybe with practice i can sing higher and better. other days my airways are asthma phlegmy and my voice tires out after 20 minutes. then i'm just straining and pushing and getting more and more hoarse. you'er not supposed to get tense or push but i don't know how not to. i try and try, but still i feel my jaw tensing up and my neck strainng no matter how hard i concentrate on staying relaxed and open and giving more air support and adding an ahhh behind every vowel, and lengthening the vowel instead of singing the ugly sounds of the constanents. sister roeder was helping us do our parts on friday and the guys went off with brother roeder. at one point she said "is anyone getting hoarse?" i was the only to put up my hand. and i was totally out of my league. depressing. i missed elicia too. she went home this weekend, so she didn't come to institute choir. i like singing beside her, because our voices are similar and they blend and it's almost like singing with a sister, which is the best of all singing--sister singing. the next morning i had a sore throat. at first i felt alarmed, am i getting another cold?, but no, it's just the damage done from trying to sing out of my range. it's still a little raw today too. wo wo wo is me. nobody suffers like i do.
yesterday i spent more money than i should have. i went with karey and sarita to wallmart and bought a few groceries along the way as karey was buying hers. i was hungry and shouldn't have been shopping, because i ended up buying things like the spring line of lindors, lime flavoured nacho scoops, and soft raspberry turnover cookies. at least i got bread, tuna, cheese and yoghurt as well. i also bought some dvds. there was a sale on all these old classic disney movies, 2 for 25, and i wanted to buy them all. there was the absent minded proffessor, the 3 different herbie movies, that darn cat, a haley mills movie that i haven't seen yet, the strongest man with kurt russell, the son of flubber. sigh. that was the golden age of disney movies. they had return from witch mountain too. tony and tia... anyways i couldn't decide and i wasn't allowing myself more than two, so i decided painfully not to get any. then i turned around and karey was waving man on the moom at me saying "it's that steve movie." it was only 8 dollars so i bought it as well as a movie i had never seen before with sally fields, danny glover, john malkovich, and ed harris (and the wife in field of dreams), called places in the heart. it won an academy award for best actress (sally fields) in 1984. it was based on the real life stories of the screen writer/director, robert benton's family during the depression in this small town in texas where it was mostly all filmed. we watched it yesterday. it's pretty good. interesting and thought provoking. anyways it was only 10 dollars. we ate at mcdonald's after buying all our stuff. we all got two cheeseburgers and fries. sarita was so funny because she was starting this cleansing fast thing where you only drink the concoction of maple syrup, lemon juice and cayenne pepper. she made up the first batch that mornign and took it with her in her nalgene bottle. as soon as we said mcdonald's she was like "forget it, that stuff tastes horrible." and gave us money to buy her some cheese burgers. later she borrowed money for a mcflurry too. we talked about shawn and sharon and how they told us on friday that during their 'build an eternal marriage' class on communication that they realized that they do all the wrong things. they talked about their struggle with where to eat. shawn always wanted fast food, and sharon always wanted to eat at a real place. sounded so familiar. are all guys that way? sometimes they had to comprimise and each buy their stuff at a different place (for sharon that would be the bread garden) and then just eat it together. also a familiar strategy. i told karey and sarita that steve loooooved mcdonald's. sarita found that hard to believe, just like i did at first. she thought he seemed too higher class for fast food. then i told her of his enthusiasm while taking a bite out of whatever the mcdeal was and saying "this is sooo good! i don't know how anyone can say this isn't good food!" after that we went to home outfitters where i bought a vaacuum pack bag to put my old twin duvet in, so that there's more room in the hall closet for some of our bathroom stuff. i also found the perfect dish rack and it only cost 70 dollars. a steal, really. then we packed sarita, who loves to sleep her saturdays away, off to home depot. i was looking for curtain rods. they were basically the same everywhere i went, so i finally bought one. karey wasn't very helpful. she was low on patience on the whole curtain rod thing. probably because she would make a quick decision about it, while i was trying to weight out all the options and look for the one i liked best. i also had trouble picturing the double rod thing which annoyed her to no end. anyways i finally picked out a pewterish silver one. last night i was reading in bed, and started up with a horrible thought. i never looked at the measurements of the curtains i bought! what if they were the wrong size after all this? well i looked at the package, but i still don't know. i don't know if the measurement is for the two panels together or just for one side. if it's for one side then i got the right size, if not... i'm in trouble.
we finally came home and i was bored and restless the rest of the day/night. i made myself clean the bathroom in degrees and the basement tv room, my two jobs. karey and i watched my new movie. i tried to read and slept. we had cheddar smokies in tiny buns, we watched felicity, and then america's funniest home videos. there was this hilarious one of this little kid in only underwear, carrying a big frog. the person filming who i assumed was the kid's mother, asked how many frogs she had. she put that one down and pulled another one out of the back of her underwear, put that one down and turned slightly, and you could see that the whole back of her underwear was drooping full of frogs. she pulled out five, and then looked done, but realized there was one more in there somewhere, dug down deep and found it. i was killing myself laughing, and there was noone around to share it with.
after 11:30 or so i went back to my room and tried to read again. i kept nodding off. i never have this problem. it's the book. i realized that i wasn't enjoying it at all. i was continually tempted to skip large parts and it gave me a creepy feeling. the writing style wasn't even enjoyable and the story was doing nothing for me, so i quit the book. by now it was 2am. i got up and turned on the tv very quietly. i happened on a indian movie with subtitles and watched the emotional ending. the thing that facinated me was that the girls were so beautiful but the men weren't handsome or very appealing at all. they weren't the typical kind of male hero. they were chubby faced, and in fact chubby bodied, with double chins and moustaches. they reminded me of neil jit.
at three i went to bed.
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