i'm eating a date. on a whim i bought a package of fresh 100% natural algerian dates today. those algerians...heh heh. i've liked dates ever since i was little, and yet i've not had too many dates in my lifetime. you could say that i've never feasted on dates, although i enjoy the date portion of a bandara salad. the thing is, after a couple of dates, you're done. a couple of dates satisfy you, but here i am with a long package of dates to eat. i hope dates last a while.

can you believe i left a bag of groceries at steve's house just now? i did, because i accidentally brought one of my bags in and then i absent mindedly put it in an obscure spot that someone as easily distracted as me would not notice before going home. arg to that.

i have things on my mind.
1.) yook called three times early this morning. he left two messages. he said he just wants to talk to me. his voice sounded normalish. it's tempting. maybe that sounds crazy, but it's the truth. it's tempting because it seems like such a simple non demanding request and it seems so harsh to refuse. but i won't call him back because i feel like any contact at all will get me and the people around me sucked right back in to the whole thing, and it feels so good to be free. and then i think how selfish that sounds when someone is sick and needy and without any love, support and safety in the world. and then i remember that i failed to help him at all, and that the whole thing was poisonous and horrible and how low i was and how i met ugliness in myself then and i know that i have to stay away, but i still wish him well and i still feel helpless about the whole big mess and i don't think anyone will ever understand what i'm even saying, except maybe fatima will have a small idea of it. i forgot about the calls until i was getting out of the car and gathering my groceries and i felt vaguely unsafe, but then i've felt that way for a long time.
2.) karey said sarita told her that her and heather were "keeping their options open" in their house hunt, that they were also looking for 2 bedroom places. i was like whaaaaaaaaaat? ok not feeling that great about giving my notice here then!
3.) me. i'm on my mind. i think about myself a lot. i'm not happy with myself. i want to change. i always want to change. always the inner struggle. i want to be more in control of my life. i want to live. i feel like i haven't really been living for a couple of years at least. my life is piles of papers and books and projects, all pushed to the side. outside my home i can be productive. inside i'm paralyzed. i waste time. i waste waste waste. i've got heaps on pictures to organize or display (perhaps in one of the frames that have been sitting empty for years.) i have piles and piles of books. i have years of taxes to do. these are all symptoms of a life not lived. i don't live in my space. i exsist. i want to go back to simple healthy happy eating cooking that i used to do. i don't cook anymore. i don't run. i seem to have lost the joy somewhere. so i'm on my mind. what to do, how to fix, what's right, what's wrong, fighting feelings, how to cope, try again... i want to be loved and accepted, good enough, truly good enough. i want to feel this way about myself and i want it from others. it's hard to be honest sometimes...