seeing these shall suffer
i just woke up about fifteen minutes ago and i have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. not physically sick, but a sick feeling. sometimes i have it if i've done something wrong. so i wracked my brain to see if i've done anything wrong lately. can't think of anything. i don't know what it's from. it could be left over from the movie i saw last night. the fact is, last night i was supposed to go to Vivaldi's christmassy Gloria at Douglas College. but i never made it there. it all started when we (stephenandrew and i) decided to go down town for some specific christmas shopping. in the middle of our search looking for a specific item or two, we also looked at many other things. it took four different stores of the same variety to find both my items of interest. in the middle of this, stephen walks me into the most wonderful used and rare book store. for a quick look? i don't think so. i mean it took me quite a while to get out of the section by the door way alone. books were everywhere. piled high and hapazardly on top of each other, and in bookshelfs to the ceiling, which incedently, i found to be not very useful since you can't even see the titles of books on the very top shelf. some books were sooooooooo old and beautiful! i really wanted this old beat up two volume set of the oxford english dictionary (oed), but it cost something like 150 for them both. but they weren't that old. there were old books alright. there was something like a four or five volume set of samuel pepy's diary (~$425) and a whole gorgeous gold maybe eight volume set of the works of charles dickens. sigh. i eventually had to pull myself away from the old books. as stephen said, it was an expensive store. but he kept telling me that there were practically new books that were much cheaper. i suppose that was true, but the ancient books were the most facinating and exciting. when we were leaving steve pointed out to me that i hadn't seen the children's literature section. nono i hadn't. it was full of special old coppies of children's classics. i even saw some old anne of green gables, and alice in wonderland and the complete works of charles christian andersen, and lots of stuff i couldn't investigate, since we were leaving. the book store took a big chunk out of our allotted time, and i have to say that it was obviously the man's fault for bringing me there. this said, i'm not sorry we went there at all. quite glad actually. eventually we were done, but we had to eat at mcdonald's where my order was wrong, but i quickly fixed that. i had the seasoned chicken strips. they weren't bad. weren't bad at'all. so the point is, that we got home later than we had planned, and then...THEN. i had difficulties getting ready. nothing was right. when i was finally done we didn't have much time and we still had to go to the man's house so he could prepare and when there, knowing we would be pushing it to get there on time, and knowing the man was developing a cough (you absolutely CANNOT cough at a symphony or opera or concert etc), and realizing that we didn't really know the way there, we gave up on the vivaldi plan. so there we were all dressed up and no where to go. thus began my second experience of musician show and tell. namely we watched a dvd, just to show me yehuidi m.(don't know the spelling), but of course i knew that i would see glimpses of everybody else on the dvd, and i did. then i was shown the art of piano, JUST to see this one intense guy whose name starts with an r, but of course we saw every other pianist on the dvd leading up to mr. r. and after him. :) it's a pattern. don't get me wrong, it was very interesting, it's just that it was kind of a blur of pianists, who now have mostly melted away in the brain overload, except mr.r. and the meaty hands of the chilean guy, and the story about the little guy who had retired but came out of retirement for a show at the carnigie, who almost didn't make it because of the traffic jam his concert created and who got a little push on stage and it was electric when he came out and then there was the oddball hunched up, no neck glen gould, and the velvet rubbenstien and everybody was old and still played amazingly and there was the little white poof haird conductor and the meek looking double chinned big glasses russian conductor who was scared of the intense mr. r., whose playing could crush you. i liked mr. r. a lot. oh, and rachmaninov was in there too. after show and tell was over we watched dead man walking. that's where the sick feeling came in. it was the kind of movie that was hard to watch at times and realities were harsh and sean penn's eyes were very blue but dead. he seemed all dead inside until the end. and susan suranden's a nun who does hard but amazing things with love. one thing the movie tells you is that chosing love (and it is a choice ) is hard work, but that love can accomplish great things. and love is where peace comes from. and there was this part when she tells him that he is a son of god. and it's true and you know it's true. and it seemed such an honourable, glorious title and it's juxtaposed on this man who's done horrible things, and who's scared and confused and full of fear and hate. and it made me think of the part i love in moses, when God weeps.
Moses 724 And there came generation upon generation; and Enoch was high and lifted up, even in the bosom of the Father, and of the Son of Man; and behold, the power of Satan was upon all the face of the earth.
26. And he behld Satan; and he had a great chain in his hand, and it veiled the whole face of the earth with darkness; and he looked up and laughed, and his angels rejoiced.
28. And it came to pass that the God of heaven looked upon the residue of the people, and he wept; and Enoch bore record of it, saying: How is it that the heavens weep, and shed forth their tears as the rain upon the mountains?
29. And Enoch said unto the Lord: How is it that thou canst weep, seeing thou art holy, and from all eternity to all eternity?
32. And the Lord said unto Enoch: Behold these thy brethren; they are the workmanship of mine own hands, and I gave them their knowledge, in the day I created them; and in the Garden of Eden, gave I unto man his agency;
33. And unto thy brethren have I said, and also given commandment, that they should love one another, and that they should choose me, their Father; but behold they are without affection, and they hate their own blood;
34. And the fire of mine indignation is kindled against them; and in my hot displeasure will I send in the floods upon them, for my fierce anger is kindled against them.
35. Behold I am God; Man of Holiness is my name; Man of Counsel is my name; and Endless and Eternal is my name, also.
36. Wherefore, I can stretch forth mine hands and hold all the creations which I have made; and mine eye can pierce them also, and among all the workmanship of mine hands there has not been so great wickedness as among thy brethren.
37. But behold, their sins shall be upon the heads of their fathers; Satan shall be their father, and misery shall be their doom; and the wole heavens shall weep over them, even all the workmanship of mine hands; wherefore should not the heavens weep, seeing these shall suffer?
here was God's son, the workmanship of his hands, who chose wickedness and misery and who suffered. and his family suffered. and the families of the victims suffered and you see him and you weep too. that was one part. the other part was the nun and him and her teaching him how to be honest and have dignity and how to love and she realized just how horrible the things he'd done and said had been and she gave him love anyways. and it was hard for her. and i really have to go prepare my lesson!
Comments